My hands tremble just enough to agitate me

This feeling creeping endlessly

For what seems like eternity  

Crippling anxiety 

One pill to ease the strain

Society's way to dull the pain

In this viscous cycle, I remain

Until I can breathe on my own again

The dark clouds come and go

The way the flicker in your eyes show

Sometimes high, sometimes low

Sometimes loving, sometimes nothing at all

So I hold a grasp on the times you love me

I try to ignore the times you don't 

And even though I know you don't deserve me

I still fall back at your feet as if I don't 

Ignorant bliss builds whirlwinds around my head

Tear stained pillow cases lay neatly on my bed

And though my heart bleeds heavy as lead

I keep crawling back to you instead 

I am not the mask of makeup I wear

I am not the style of my hair 

I am not that voice whispering to end it here.

I am the choices that I make 

The hearts that I break 

The things that cause my hands to shake.

I am the words that I speak

The whispers of the trees

The sound of falling leaves.

I am the music I sing when I'm alone

The words I share with only my phone

The pain I felt with every broken bone.

I am each freckle and scar upon my skin 

The love I carry deep within 

The joy I feel when I'm with him.

I am the places I've been to

The people I thought I knew

The feeling I get when I'm laying next to you.

I am the weight on my shoulders

My faded band shirts getting older

That feeling when your heart grows colder.

You see, I am not what they believe me to be

I am not my own worse enemy 

I am not the pain that eats at me.

Because every day, I get out of bed

When I could just give up instead

And though I may get wrapped up in my head

I am still here

;

I am a person 

I am not what I do for a living

I am not what other people think I am

I am not someone else's approval

I am who I love

I am my passions 

I am what I do when no one else is looking

I am also my mistakes 

My bad days and my off moods

But all of these make me authentic 

And authenticity is one of the most beautiful things a person can be

Thanks to you 

I picked up a blade

And cut into my flesh for the first time in a decade 

Thanks to you 

I look in the mirror at my reflection 

And I see nothing but imperfection 

Thanks to you

I belittle myself every single day

As you belittled me in the very same way

Thanks to you 

I lost everything I fought so hard to be

Everything is dark and I can no longer see

Thanks to you

I'm becoming what you wanted to see me become 

All darks skies with no sign of a rising sun 

You say you like me now

I will just drag you down 

I'm good at making people feel wanted

I'm good at loving, I'm good at being desirable

But once you see the demons I carry

You'll run

Because that's what people do

When they don't know the pain you suffered that made you, you

And I seem like fun, and I can be

But other days I fall apart 

And I can't show that side of me

Because they all use it against you at one point or another 

So they can never know

What you hold deep

And human connection is something I need

But I can only let someone know me so far

Before I pull away and keep them at arms length 

What a mess I am 

I know how it happened 

But how do I fix it?

Fight 

My walls are caving in

Fight

My vision blurs again

Fight 

Heart pounding, heavy breathing 

Fight 

I lose myself within

Fight

Try to catch my breath, struggling

Fight 

I can't let my mind win

Fight

Oh fuck, not this again

Fight

Please just keep going

Concrete exterior

Cracks still show through my skin

I feel inferior 

Walls caving in

Heart of holes

A broken soul 

My eyes shine dull

Through my withdrawn skull

Words worn around my neck 

Things I can never forget 

Fear and rage trap me within 

These very walls I've built around my skin

What is abuse?

It is mistreating something or someone

It is letting hurtful words roll off your tongue

It is conniving and viscous 

Damaging and malicious

It leaves wounds the size of planets

In a world that will swallow you whole if you let it

It deteriorates your sense of self

It robs you of your mental health

It wears you down and beats you up

It makes you feel like giving up

Forgiving your abuser is the only way

Do it for yourself, do it today

You are strong and valiant, and despite it all

You still have kindness in your eyes and a warrior's soul