Recovery

I just wanted to be happy. Everyone said they just wanted me to be happy. And I tried. I swear I really fucking tried. I learned guitar, I did movie marathons, I binged tv shows, I went to the park, I went shopping, I did everything I could think of to lighten my spirits. But I wasn't getting anywhere.

This has been going on for far longer than people realized. Friends and family only started to notice when I went from 190lbs to 120lbs. And still for awhile after that. They just thought I was dieting.

Not that I wasn't eating.

I just couldn't eat. It hurt. It actually hurt to eat. My throat would tighten and my eyes would water and my heart would fucking pound like a goddamn drum. I would sit there fucking internally berating myself for being such a fuckup. For being such a goddamn mistake. Failure.

It wasn't normal behavior I know. It wasn't normal to be so fucking miserable and destroyed. My parents got me therapy, the therapist got me drugs, the drugs got me suicidal.

I thought maybe if I could slit my wrists that all the bad would flood out of my system. Because even as bad as the eating, as bad as the depression, nothing could beat the bad of the thoughts. The infidelity of my own mind was what truly destroyed me. That those thoughts had me betray myself.

I was scared to tell my therapist about it. But I did tell her about wanting to hurt myself, she told me something I won't ever let go of.

When we want to kill ourselves it means we need something to die, that something is not ourselves.

She was right. She was totally and irrefutably correct. I didn't need to die, just something else did. The issue now became what that something was.

It was easy I admit. Searching for what brought me down. It was the thoughts, they've been with me too long and they needed to go.

And so I killed the thoughts.

I killed them by making them a reality.

And once that happened I realized that they weren't infidel thoughts. They weren't if betrayal. They were just my nature and I had to accept myself.

Afterwards I gained weight again. I would laugh and go out and smile. Everyone was so happy for me.

And I was too.

I have all of this to thank my therapist for. Not only did she teach me what I needed, but she help me put on the weight.

I didn't expect her to be that fatty.