Like a king I raised myself up above the people that worshipped my name

As a king I watched my enemies fall

As a monarch I half my fist out and told my people to kiss the iron ring

As a dictator I condemned all the ones who swore against me

As the devil I watched the in I've got burn

Like a Queen she brought me to my knees

As my Queen I kissed her feet and begged for mercy

As a majesty I was defenseless against her attack

As a Saint she healed those done at my hand

As God she did not forgive me, and she watched me burn

I'm not good with words as poets are

And I'm not sure if it's something to learn

I can't speak of past lost loves because I was never brave enough to try

I can't say I know what it's like to stay up all night questioning my existence because I already know unquestionable I exist but don't want to

I don't lay awake wondering what's the point of it all because I already know there isn't one

I don't think this is living.

I don't feel how others do or how I think they do

I want to be able to cry just because there's something in my eye

I want to know what it's like to feel besides regret, besides misery, besides blank

Because I don't know why I regret when I've never done anything that could hurt

I don't feel sadness anymore

Everything's just mute in grays at this point

I want to know how to feel

Mind over matter

Matter over mind

I don't matter

So Never mind

What have I gained

With all this lost time

But a sense of failure

And it's all mine

I'm all right

I'm fine

Can't you tell

With my rhyme

I miss the stars

I miss them behind my eyes as I went to bed

As they would form and create and fall into my head lighting the dark expanse

I miss the yellows and reds and blues that would swirl like comets on my skull

I miss the galaxy in my palm that would melt into my skin, into my fingertips

I miss drawing with colors of possibilities with my nails

I can still feel meteor showers on my tongue that would stick and slide down my throat

How they would keep me warm and keep me full

A solar system flowed through my chest creating my heart

Forming around my lungs and stomach

How it would hold me in velvet and silk

The universe was once my spine was once my skeleton

It built me

It held me

It conquered me

I existed within it and because of it

I breathe in the last of the suns

I feel them burn in between my lungs

And I feel them settle there, I feel them breathe

I feel my existence burn

And I feel it start to bleed

I feel the loss of the stars that leave me blind in the night

The galaxy drips slow from my hand landing in a ocean I will never be able to swim

I think I can drown in it

I cough and I choke as the meteors leave my throat

I feel my body scream

My lungs and stomach are being strangled and I feel the planets inside my chest start to die

The universe implodes

My bones give out

They shatter into glass

I feel the shards under my skin as I can't stand

They move and catch as they try to come back together

They never will

The suns burn from the inside out

Engulfing me in a fire that will die within me

I think they will all die with me

I just wanted to be happy. Everyone said they just wanted me to be happy. And I tried. I swear I really fucking tried. I learned guitar, I did movie marathons, I binged tv shows, I went to the park, I went shopping, I did everything I could think of to lighten my spirits. But I wasn't getting anywhere.

This has been going on for far longer than people realized. Friends and family only started to notice when I went from 190lbs to 120lbs. And still for awhile after that. They just thought I was dieting.

Not that I wasn't eating.

I just couldn't eat. It hurt. It actually hurt to eat. My throat would tighten and my eyes would water and my heart would fucking pound like a goddamn drum. I would sit there fucking internally berating myself for being such a fuckup. For being such a goddamn mistake. Failure.

It wasn't normal behavior I know. It wasn't normal to be so fucking miserable and destroyed. My parents got me therapy, the therapist got me drugs, the drugs got me suicidal.

I thought maybe if I could slit my wrists that all the bad would flood out of my system. Because even as bad as the eating, as bad as the depression, nothing could beat the bad of the thoughts. The infidelity of my own mind was what truly destroyed me. That those thoughts had me betray myself.

The thoughts were making me hungry. Making me starve for something that I couldn't have. Something I will never have. I don't need it. That I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it.

I was scared to tell my therapist about it. But I did tell her about wanting to hurt myself, she told me something I won't ever let go of.

When we want to kill ourselves it means we need something to die, that something is not ourselves.

She was right. She was totally and irrefutably correct. I didn't need to die, just something else did. The issue now became what that something was.

I couldn't live while my problem did. It was taking the life out of me, only one of us could survive.

It was easy I admit. Searching for what brought me down. It was the thoughts, they've been with me too long and they needed to go.

And so I killed the thoughts.

I killed them by making them a reality.

And once that happened I realized that they weren't infidel thoughts. They weren't if betrayal. They were just my nature and I had to accept myself.

I deserved to be happy.

Afterwards I gained weight again. I would laugh and go out and smile. Everyone was so happy for me.

And I was too.

I have all of this to thank my therapist for. Not only did she teach me what I needed, but she help me put on the weight.

I didn't expect her to be that fatty

Beat me bloody

Beat me blue

Beat me again

So you know is till love you

Beat me red

Beat me white

Beat me with all of your life

Hit me now

Hit me again

Hit me so I know we're friends

Hit me big bad man

Hit me hard

Hit me to save yourself

But know you won't get far

Kick me down

Kick me through

Just know I'm not yet down with you

Kick me here

Kick me there

Kick me everywhere

Just know this bad man

I don't take a hit sitting down

You better run

Get out of town

Before I find you

Before I make you wanna turn you life around

Because I won't beat you

I won't make you bleed

I'll ruin you the hard way

With words and disease

I'll make you regret

I'll make you whine

I'll take your life

Because you tried to take mine

She was first

I was second

Know that's not okay

You hurt a girl

Hurt her bad

Now it's my turn

To show you what she had

I just wanted to be happy. Everyone said they just wanted me to be happy. And I tried. I swear I really fucking tried. I learned guitar, I did movie marathons, I binged tv shows, I went to the park, I went shopping, I did everything I could think of to lighten my spirits. But I wasn't getting anywhere.

This has been going on for far longer than people realized. Friends and family only started to notice when I went from 190lbs to 120lbs. And still for awhile after that. They just thought I was dieting.

Not that I wasn't eating.

I just couldn't eat. It hurt. It actually hurt to eat. My throat would tighten and my eyes would water and my heart would fucking pound like a goddamn drum. I would sit there fucking internally berating myself for being such a fuckup. For being such a goddamn mistake. Failure.

It wasn't normal behavior I know. It wasn't normal to be so fucking miserable and destroyed. My parents got me therapy, the therapist got me drugs, the drugs got me suicidal.

I thought maybe if I could slit my wrists that all the bad would flood out of my system. Because even as bad as the eating, as bad as the depression, nothing could beat the bad of the thoughts. The infidelity of my own mind was what truly destroyed me. That those thoughts had me betray myself.

I was scared to tell my therapist about it. But I did tell her about wanting to hurt myself, she told me something I won't ever let go of.

When we want to kill ourselves it means we need something to die, that something is not ourselves.

She was right. She was totally and irrefutably correct. I didn't need to die, just something else did. The issue now became what that something was.

It was easy I admit. Searching for what brought me down. It was the thoughts, they've been with me too long and they needed to go.

And so I killed the thoughts.

I killed them by making them a reality.

And once that happened I realized that they weren't infidel thoughts. They weren't if betrayal. They were just my nature and I had to accept myself.

Afterwards I gained weight again. I would laugh and go out and smile. Everyone was so happy for me.

And I was too.

I have all of this to thank my therapist for. Not only did she teach me what I needed, but she help me put on the weight.

I didn't expect her to be that fatty.

Please beg

Beg for me

Beg on you knees

Let me know you want me

Let me be a queen

Let me be better than me

I need some devotion

I need some adoration

And I need the enjoyment of someone loving me

I know I'm not needed

I know I shouldn't stay

But I hope you can't stand what I say

That you dont need me

That you don't want me

Prove me wrong oh please

Won't you have me?

I've been alone so long

But you make me feel crowded

I know this isn't a love song

But you don't even make me doubt it

That I'm not a deity

Not Aphrodite

To you I'm invisible

Please just let me know this

Make me revoke this

Can't you want me?

Just a little

Just enough to make me visible

Won't you help me

Be better than I

Can you please make me feel good enough

Not to die