Trust.

Trust is an interesting, perplexing concept for me. I trust everyone. I am naive and gullible. In regards to trust, I am an innocent novice who thinks everyone's intentions towards me are good. This is problematic. And interesting, given that I am a religious person who has the worst time attempting to trust God, who, let's be real - if He IS real, and I believe He is, why would I have trouble trusting Him? It's crazy, really. If you think about it. And yet, it's not. Because the bottom line is faith is unreasonable and belief is not 100% belief. In other words, I don't actually believe in God like I wish I did. It's why I distrust Him, all the while singing praises to God in church about specifically that concept - trust. If you take the worldview of Christianity as trusting God, take it in an unfiltered, pure, unadulterated fashion, it is ludicrous NOT to trust in an omniscient being. However, the humanity of it, the taintedness of trust given by flawed humanity towards God almost annuls the whole idea of trust. In a perfect world, sure. But this is no perfect world.

I would love to trust that my life is in Good Hands. And don't misunderstand, I do have peace and satisfaction in my faith, but no one can believe perfectly, which I am reminded of Christ's words when He said He is the "author and PERFECTOR" of our faith. I love that. It means that, as long as I am steadfast and diligent, my faith will grow stronger, even as it weakens on my "off" days, which there are many. The burden does not lie squarely on my shoulders.

Trust comes easily with my fellow human beings. Ones that have ulterior motives and bad intentions. Trust comes hard with One that has never proven Himself to be unfaithful or worthy of distrust, who has always had my best interests at heart. I can't think of one time He proved unfaithful. Sure, I've had disappointments galore, but He has proven Himself to be trustworthy through every difficult circumstance. You'd think I'd learn by now.

But again, faith. Faith is trusting in something Unseen. It's irrational, really. We aren't really wired to do that. It's a dichotomy of sorts, our natural self with our spiritual self. Even Paul talks about this in the New Testament writings about opposing forces within himself and how agonizing this is at times. I think this is supposed to be this way, though, in order to have us rely on God for our growth and maturity throughout our spiritual journey.

Trust is THE biggest stumbling block in my faith. It will always be, as someone deeply intellectual, inquisitive, curious, analytical and somewhat scientifically-minded, who often partly rejects such notions as "believing in things unseen."

And so it goes. The journey continues. Where I will be next year, next month, even next week remains to be seen. Someone whose personality goes haywire sometimes and easily jumps back and forth from extreme to extreme because she is so tied up in her brain and thoughts (read: neurotic) has a difficult time understanding her self, her wants/needs, and what she truly believes about life, love, her faith, and even something as basic yet complex as her entire worldview. My easily changing mind (back and forth, back and forth, back and forth), my easily swayed opinions by those smarter than me, really shows that I am imprisoned in my own personal Hell.

It's exhausting, really. But it is my lot. It is what I deal with. The key is to use it to my advantage and discover it as a strength rather than a weakness and a curse.

I am still learning how to do that.