Fall backwards

I will catch you

If you cannot stand

I will be your crutch

If you are in danger

I will be your shield

If you are lost

I will guide you

If you are hurt

I will heal you

No matter the ailment

I will be here for you

No matter the cost

It will be free to you

No matter what they say

I will believe in you

No matter the time

I will answer the call

Because I love you

The belief that what you anticipate will be on the other side meets you when you get there.

An anxious mother waiting for her child's safe return home.

A house that keeps those you love safe.

The car that takes you across town each day and along busy highways to visit family and friends.

Trust is the cloak of faith that we apply to overcome the shroud of fears and doubts we so easily wear.

Few people have it anymore

Many cannot afford its weight

I know how frightening and

Difficult it can often be

Trusting is scary, I know

I don't trust many people

I've had three previous fathers

And am now hoping #4

Lasts for all our days

Trusting can be scary, yes

But some people are worth

The fear

The worry

The pain

And they can make all of it

Go away

Trust, something we were all prized with at birth, some awarded tougher or larger trusts, like an imaginary person. Over time our trust grows just like ourselves. Although, some people take a blow to it with their choice of weapon. Your ex, knocked it over. That damn snitch, kicked it to death. Your best friend broke it's arm when he lied. Just like us, our trust can fix it's wounds, aside from the scars. Just like us, it can also die. It only takes a moment a moment someone could decapitate your trust, depending on how vulnerable it is.

So what do we do with trust?

Either hide it, and never use it so we can keep it, or let it free; and let it die.

She said that we were

The ultimate thing,

Happy and loving

With all that life brings.

I thought that she

Would be okay with me,

But it turns out that I

Wasn't enough, so three

Is what we became

Without my knowing,

While my love was

Overflowing.

I never thought that

She'd skip out on me,

But goes to show

How trusting I can be.

The most important bond two humans can share is trust. It's like water, easy to attain but hard to hold.

You can simply break it in a matter of five seconds and never have it with that one person again.

I watched my father's last divorce fail all because they lost their trust. I've see me and his relationship crumble because of trust. I've broken trust with a dear friend of mine once... but it doesn't make me a bad person.

I've learnt from my mistakes and I learnt the important lesson of trust which is, it only heals with time. And, in that time you can't break again, you can only be honest and let it mend on its own.

Trust is everywhere. It's in a teacher telling a student to get their homework done, and the student saying they will. It's in a parent telling their child not to do anything they regret as they leave the house on their own with some friends they've never met. It's in a young girl finding a friend in a boy she took interest in, with his promise not to leave her when she's at her worst. It's her heart yelling at her that she can't fall in love, it's too soon, and it's her heart believing her when she says it'll be fine, she can handle it. It's the girl handing the boy her heart and trusting him not to break it. Trust is everywhere, and it's the cause of our demise.

Trust is an interesting, perplexing concept for me. I trust everyone. I am naive and gullible. In regards to trust, I am an innocent novice who thinks everyone's intentions towards me are good. This is problematic. And interesting, given that I am a religious person who has the worst time attempting to trust God, who, let's be real - if He IS real, and I believe He is, why would I have trouble trusting Him? It's crazy, really. If you think about it. And yet, it's not. Because the bottom line is faith is unreasonable and belief is not 100% belief. In other words, I don't actually believe in God like I wish I did. It's why I distrust Him, all the while singing praises to God in church about specifically that concept - trust. If you take the worldview of Christianity as trusting God, take it in an unfiltered, pure, unadulterated fashion, it is ludicrous NOT to trust in an omniscient being. However, the humanity of it, the taintedness of trust given by flawed humanity towards God almost annuls the whole idea of trust. In a perfect world, sure. But this is no perfect world.

I would love to trust that my life is in Good Hands. And don't misunderstand, I do have peace and satisfaction in my faith, but no one can believe perfectly, which I am reminded of Christ's words when He said He is the "author and PERFECTOR" of our faith. I love that. It means that, as long as I am steadfast and diligent, my faith will grow stronger, even as it weakens on my "off" days, which there are many. The burden does not lie squarely on my shoulders.

Trust comes easily with my fellow human beings. Ones that have ulterior motives and bad intentions. Trust comes hard with One that has never proven Himself to be unfaithful or worthy of distrust, who has always had my best interests at heart. I can't think of one time He proved unfaithful. Sure, I've had disappointments galore, but He has proven Himself to be trustworthy through every difficult circumstance. You'd think I'd learn by now.

But again, faith. Faith is trusting in something Unseen. It's irrational, really. We aren't really wired to do that. It's a dichotomy of sorts, our natural self with our spiritual self. Even Paul talks about this in the New Testament writings about opposing forces within himself and how agonizing this is at times. I think this is supposed to be this way, though, in order to have us rely on God for our growth and maturity throughout our spiritual journey.

Trust is THE biggest stumbling block in my faith. It will always be, as someone deeply intellectual, inquisitive, curious, analytical and somewhat scientifically-minded, who often partly rejects such notions as "believing in things unseen."

And so it goes. The journey continues. Where I will be next year, next month, even next week remains to be seen. Someone whose personality goes haywire sometimes and easily jumps back and forth from extreme to extreme because she is so tied up in her brain and thoughts (read: neurotic) has a difficult time understanding her self, her wants/needs, and what she truly believes about life, love, her faith, and even something as basic yet complex as her entire worldview. My easily changing mind (back and forth, back and forth, back and forth), my easily swayed opinions by those smarter than me, really shows that I am imprisoned in my own personal Hell.

It's exhausting, really. But it is my lot. It is what I deal with. The key is to use it to my advantage and discover it as a strength rather than a weakness and a curse.

I am still learning how to do that.