Misguided

"I've given this a lot of though Mike. I am not ready for this yet."

My name is Grace. I'm 23, I'm short, well I'm no midget but at 5 foot 3 I'm not exactly towering over anyone either. I'm nothing special to look at, long dirty brown hair that if left to its own devices looks like a birds nest on a good day, hazel eyes nothing great there and my body is average at best. I've never been thin, I've always had a stomach. If I eat too much it makes me look pregnant, I always hated my body. I tried to stay active and keep fit but nothing seems to be enough. It's always been something I've been self conscious about, wondering every time I left the house whether people were looking at me. Whether people were judging my appearance. I can't stand people watching me, it makes it all worse in my head. Because of my body I'm not sure I ever want to have kids. I don't think I can handle people looking at me, everyone always judging me, trying to figure out if they can say something without sounding rude. The answer is NO. And will always be NO. It is never OK to comment on anyone's body especially not to ask if they are pregnant or not. I live in a run down apartment just outside the city. My boyfriend of 5 years, Mike, thought we had been together long enough that it was time we got engaged. ENGAGED! That leads to marriage. I'm so not ready for marriage. I'm only just out of school. I took one too many gap years trying to figure out my shit and ended up with a degree that is useless. Who majors in philosophy? Apparently when my first choice wasn't an option anymore that's what I went for. Big mistake. It's not the type of thing that leads to any respectable job once you leave the confines of university. So what the hell is Mike thinking? I can't get engaged! I can't get married! I don't have a job, my apartment is barely big enough, my car will probably breakdown any day, and I don't need to depend on anyone to look after me. I need to be stable before I can get married. Does he not get that? Does he want me to be a housewife for my entire life? Oh god, is that what he wants? He just wants someone on his arm at parties, someone to look after his house and raise his children. Oh god no! I'm not ready to have children yet! This can't happen. I can't be like my mother, trapped in a marriage gone south with no way out. I need a safety net before I even think about getting married. 

"Grace, I think your just scared. We've been together for 5 years now. I want to take this next step. And I want to take it with you. Do you want me to give you time? I can do that, if that's what you want? I will walk away and let you figure out what it is that's stopping you from saying yes. But I don't want to loose you! I can't loose you Grace. You mean the world to me."

"It's too soon. I'm not ready." Surely he gets that after everything he's seen me go through these past years he must know that I'm not in a place for this step yet. I need to get my life on track first.

"Grace, please talk to me what's holding you back? I want us to be together. I want to spend my life with you. But I need it to be what you want too." He's pleading with me now. Does he really want this that badly? I didn't even realize this was on his mind. This whole day took me by surprise actually, maybe it's all a dream? Maybe I'm imagining all these crazy things? That must be it I'm having a nightmare. But if this was a nightmare shouldn't I be freaking out more? I'm not even sure what I'm feeling right now. Is it shock? Or maybe something else entirely? "Can you talk to me Grace? Please, I want us to at least talk about this. I don't want to push you away."

"Why now? Mike, why all of a sudden are you talking marriage? We've never even had this conversation, not once in 5 years have either of us brought up this subject. Yet here we are. And I'm, I think I'm confused. I don't know what I think." I really am confused, why are we coming to this now? It's not even been on my mind before now. But I'm actually considering it, the more I sit here looking at this ring the more appealing all this becomes to me. I'm stupid, what am I thinking. I'm not stable I can't do this. Stop it Grace. Get a grip on your self.

"Grace, is that really what you think?" He sounds hurt. Oh god I didn't mean to offend him. I just don't know what I'm doing. "I want this. Hun, I want us. I want the whole thing with you ... no one else. Marriage, a house maybe even kids one day. I can't see a future without you. I thought you wanted it too. I would do anything to make you happy Hun, you know that. I thought this was going to make you happy."

Oh shit. Now I've done it. He really does want this. And I've gone and pissed all over the idea. I need to fix this. As mush as I'm not ready for this yet, I can't loose him over this. That would be stupid. "I'm sorry Mike. I just didn't realize you wanted this so badly. Not yet anyway. I don't want to be a trophy wife. I want to have a job. I want to work and be able to support myself." I can see the doubt spreading in his eyes. Fuck, I'm just making things worse. "Mike I want this. I want to say yes. I do. But I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm not going to get to do the things I want to. I'm scared that I'm not good enough for you. I'm scared that I'm going to stuff it up." There I said it. I'm pushing him away, I know I am, but if he wants me to say yes I need to know that he knows what I'm feeling when I say it.

"Your not some trophy Grace. God, you have to know that. Your so much more than that. I've never made you feel that way have I? Please say I haven't? I'd die if I ever made you feel like you don't matter."

"You haven't. I promise it's just the idea of being a wife without a proper job and without a way to support myself. It feels like I wouldn't be as important as you."

He looks sad now. His eyes are so deep, so fixating, I can't bring myself to look away from his gaze. "Grace, Honey, I swear to you. You are never going to be less important than me. We are in this together. We are in this to be partners. I want you to be a part of my life forever. Right here by my side. What else?"

He knows me too well. He really does. "I'm not ready for children. And I'm not sure when I'll ever be ready. I don't want to promise you kids when I'm not sure I will ever be ready to have them. I don't want to give you false hope of a future that might not happen. You should marry someone who wants to give you all the children your heart desires." And with that his arms are around me. He knows when my emotions are getting the better of me. It's just one of the things I love about him. One of many little things that make up our overly complicated web of love.

"Honey that is more than fine with me." That's all he had to say. I start bawling. I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, but for him to say that. I can't keep them in any more. Is he serious? He seriously just told me that me not wanting kids, maybe not ever having kids of his own, is not a big deal. I can't even begin to describe the way I feel towards him. I don't know what to even say to him. But I don't have to say anything he's not done yet. "Babe I know your scared about ending up like your mum. We've talked about how bad that was. I would never put you in that position. I don't care if you want to work, if you want to travel, if you want to open a coffee shop and bake biscuits the rest of our lives. I will be by your side the whole time. I will be right next to you supporting you. Marriage is a partnership, that's what we are we're partners. If you'll have me?"

The look in his eyes I can't place it, there's so much emotion. Maybe it's uncertainty, I know I see the love he feels for me. But there's something else there. Like he really doesn't know what I'm going to say and it's scaring him or something. He's actually scared of loosing me isn't he? "Mike, you don't mean that. You've always wanted kids. You can't mean that." I can't even come up with a proper sentence. Surely I have more to say than this. Get it together Grace! "I just need a little time, Mike. I promise you I will think about it, but right now I'm not ready. And your not really willing to give up having children just to stay with me. I need to sort my shit out and figure out what I really want."

"That's all I want babe. I just want to know it's a possibility. That we are a possibility. I would love that to be right now. But, I'm wiling to wait. If it doesn't happen for another 10 years, as long as it happens with you that's all I ever wanted." He looks almost relieved, like he was expecting me to walk away. I would never do that. I love him. I love this man so much. I just can't be my mother, stuck in a marriage to an abusive, controlling, asshole just because she didn't have a way of getting out. I need to know that I'm not going to turn out like her. I can't get married if I don't have a plan for if things go bad later on. "You take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere. When you decide what is best for you I'm going to be right here waiting, ready to spend any time I can with you. I would love if that time was the rest of our lives. I love you, Grace Whitfield."

I love you too, Mike Emerson." I don't think I ever realized just how much I do want to marry this man until right now. I might just end up saying yes. I know I shouldn't but at the same time I know that's the outcome that I'm going to end up at no mater how misguided it may be.