British Election 2017: who’s who?

Conservative: lead by current Prime Minister, Theresa May, who on being appointed openly and pretty directly just said "Yes!" I would launch a nuclear weapon at hundreds of thousands of innocent women and children... sooooo. Other than that, she wants us to get the fuck out the EU whilst we still can, despite having been a remainer. 

Labour: 'lead' by Jeremy Corbyn, a straight up Socialist whose campaign adviser was a 40 year vet of the British Communist party. To vote Labour is now the hip thing to do if you wanna be down with the kids... because... Socialism, yuno. However, he does want to leave NATO, and despite telling Chatham House (the group that actually runs Britain) that he would press the big red button if it came to it, he wants to end the nuclear deal with Trident. Hay, ho... So long the final remnants of free market enterprise, welcome welfare state and a good old (shitty) service economy!

Liberal Democrats: currently lead by Tim Farron, that guy who thinks gay people can be cured... they're previously known for having made one big promise (abolishing tuition fees) and completely doing the opposite when they got in, but then again, that sums up pretty much every party. 

UKIP: considered the most 'right wing' party in the race, though we've gone so far left now that eating fish and chips may become an act of right wing propaganda... Most known for campaigning Brexit and their previous eccentric leader Nigel Farage (now under Paul Nuttal), and despite getting nearly 4 million votes last election, only procured a single seat due to the first past the post system. Widely considered a dead party now though...

Green Party: literally think they can control the temperature of the Earth itself, the Green Party have the kind of voters you would see who couldn't be more hipster even if they tried, likely hugging a tree somewhere as I write this. They are very faithful to the religion of climate change and pray everyday Treesus Christ. 

Scottish Nationalist Party: lead by a thing *cough* woman called Nicola Sturgeon. I have to give it to her, she's very persistent, and even though a bunch of Scots don't want it, she want to dump Britain and hand them over to the EU instead.