5
A Time upon once man befriended frog, kind of. This was at a time where man was still vulnerable to the forces of nature and if it were not for man’s poor agility and their self control towards bananas they would be completely indistinguishable to the monkeys.
One day after centuries of watching man’s monotonous insanity Papa Frog decide to be nice. He hopped of his pond and jumped over to an ordinary homo sapien who stood sucking on his fingers.
“Ei. Ei ei ei stupid. Look just rub these sticks together” said Papa Frog.
“Uuuuuug baaabaabaapo!” said man muffled, still with his hand in his mouth
Papa Frog sighed and hopped over to build a fire. When he did man went completely out of the mind he clearly didn’t have and when Papa Frog witnessed this, he realized the problem was worse than he thought.
The frogs took pity on man and assigned their worst and dullest to attend the trivial moral nuisance that was helping the hairless simians adapt. But even their least developed frogs aided humanity in a way that could best be described as too well.
After giving man the gifts of a tiny bit of consciousness they wanted to get rid of the frogs.
“We don't like Frogs,” said man, happy now that he had finally figured himself out. “We like green things, green stuff.”
Then the light bulb.
“Ooooooooh ooooh oooh. How could I have missed this. Oh this is good. This is really good,” said man. “I’ll make green paper.”
Even the frogs didn’t count on man’s inconceivable and boundless stupidity. Of course the noble frogs still wanted to help. They sent the smaller frogs to make their homes and living spaces in the inner ears of humans. These mammals later called these frogs cognition, demons, ingenuity, god, never actually being polite.
In the history of this little blue and green spot only one dude has ever acknowledged and worked beside the jumping amphibians.
His name is Christ, Jesus Christ.
Only frogs could manifest a soul with such divine love and perfection. And so by default the son of frogs implemented a variable. Because if there’s anything you know from being omniscient it’s that variables make you happy. For example:
“Wo, Jesus how did you walk through that wall?” one of the disciples asked as they all looked in astonishment.
“Nigga what can i say? My dad gave me rad photons.” Jesus said and winked at the frog in his ear.
Though this is a rare output when fucking around with your frog. Most humans that lose or just never had a frog usually end up riding in small school buses or taking a lot of medication.
Please do treat your green angels with care.
6
“Jared you fat poop. You didn’t have to put him to sleep.”
“Well how was I supposed to know that? You drugged me when it was my first time.”
“It goes to show how a real big obese brown- wait I think he’s waking up.”
Numb and drowsy Fin slowly exposed his eyeballs to a mysterious old smiling face. The woman bent over him looked like at least an eternity old. Her long stringy gray hair hung over her wrinkly and funny-looking complexions. About forty percent of the matter that made up grandma belonged to gravity. She looked beautiful in that granny kind of way, gentle and understanding.
This is where I come in.
“WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN OREOS.”
Fin sprung upward. Reality rushed into him and he saw himself between four small walls with Jared and the granny standing by and pushing air trying to calm him down.
“Easy, easy there.” the Granny said.
Fin sat back down on the mattress in the middle of the room and held his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry but I don’t have any.” said Fin
“Don’t have any what?”said Jared.
“BULLSHIT” I say. You need to understand I usually don't get this mad.
“Can you guys like stop screaming. I am literally like three feet away,” said Fin.
“We’re not talking,” said Jared.
“Here take this.” Granny came over and handed Fin some oreos. “Put them in your ear.”
“No, no. This is- Awwwwww” Fin moaned in pleasure as the granny quickly interrupted his words with inner ear masturbation. She held his head pressed against the mattress with one ear facing up and begun her second procedure. With one hand she held a slightly opened, plastic ziploc bag containing some black sand while the other pushed firmly on Fins skull. As she poured some of the ziplocs contents into one of Fin’s head holes, Fin didn't let out a single doubt or complain but instead the sound of complete self abandonment.
Finally the bastards realized I was hungry. I chugged down that oreo sand like it was nothing and after three or four bags Granny Melba taught Fin how to feed me.
“As weird as this may sound this actually feels really good,” said Fin now starting to shove crushed up oreo chunks into his ears and simultaneously my dinner plate.
“No just the left one silly.” Granny giggled. “I forgot Pekuku must have been really hungry.”
“So I’m not so sure what’s happening exactly,” said Fin twirling his blind finger around the inner canals of his left ear. “but I would really appreciate it if one of you would please care to inform and share the details and what’s the word. . . sense of our current situation with me, the apparent victim.”
“These are the basics,” said the granny. “You now have a frog in your ear and you have to feed it. It will purge away all of your zany daydreams and in turn you will feed him oreos. You can direct the rest of your inquiries with Dr. Melendez, our frog nurturer.”
-
The room was soaked in green light. A tall ceiling made of glass looked down upon a fully developed ecosystem of the anura order. The floor was topped in a sea of green critters that all moved around like a single organism. Amidst the vast kinetic organization stood a man and his inamorato. Like a king, he stood over his land and his castle.
The Great Fernando and his lover.
The frog nurturer met eyes with Fin and welcomed him into his kingdom. He walked over with his toad on his shoulder like a pirate and his parrot, his skin slightly tinted green.
“Paaaapiiii quuuueee paaaaaaaasaaa,” said Dr. Melendez.
“Hey, my name is Fin. Are you um the frog nurturer?”
The man turned to look at the toad on his shoulder. Then the toad spoke.
“PEKUKU”
With that one word I, the creature previously inhabiting Fin’s inner ear sprouted from the side of his head.
“I imagine you’ve come because of your newly found companion, no?” the amphibian king asked.
“Yes, yes precisely,” he said looking at me now squatting comfortably on his shoulder. “I’m having quite a bit of trouble understanding the whole frog and oreos idea.”
“Well don’t you worry because there’s no fixed feeding time like a gremlin or anything. Pekuku will just start humming and you’ll know what to do. Listen buddy this is a really good thing.” he said reassuringly “These guys,” he extended an arm over his frog farm “they’re only here to help.”
“Well I feel that your charm has obligated me to say that I love both you and your pets” said Fin, a hand over his chest.
“If there’s anyone whom shall be labeled as a PET it’s us.”
Fin was intrigued by this Frog King Fernando (yes I believe this is a formal title and deserves to be capitalized not that it makes any sense to call out this one particular grammatical fuck up but fuck ups help fellow fuck ups.) and so he ignorantly jutted out in open arms and gave him a big hug.
“Fine, I’ll call them guardian angels,” said Fin.
At that moment the great and powerful Fernando knew that this night would be spared for a lavish and wild feast. They would throw the doors out of the windows so to speak.
“Hear ye hear ye,” Fernando turned around and called over the multitude of green spots. “Today we feast Anuku Kiki style,” and the crowd went wild.
It was only a matter of minutes before all the frogs and toads had gathered together like a colony of ants and set up a long white mantled table embellished with candles and fancy glassware, the whole shabang. This happens while Fernando takes Fin outside for a quick tour of the facility but mostly gets caught up talking about video games.
A cornucopia of croutons and oreos ran along the middle of the table and over this white rectangle centered in the room every amphibian nervously looked at each other as their slobber dripped down their bellies. They waited for Fin to take the first bite of the evening meal. In this way they showed respect to their guest.
“Hey what are all of you looking at me so funny for?” said the only idiot in this story.
“Oh they’re just waiting for you to take the first bite that’s all,” said the nurturer.
“Well,” Fin turned his head to look down the two rows of the poop green angels sitting across from one another. “Lets let them feast first.”
“In that case. . .” Fernando called “MIKIKI,” then like I had not long ago seeped out of Fin’s ear a massive specimen like no other frog in the room ballooned out of Fernando’s ear, a divine creature.
He plopped himself upon Fernando’s shoulder and spoke to the table “Obey the desires of this human. After all he is now an extension of our kind,” he spoke with a slow and deeply heavy voice. “Oh and Patrick no more genji on defense,” he looked directly at one of the frogs and Patrick gulped down a golf ball.
After giving Fin a smile that penetrated directly into his soul and his being in warm reassurement, MIKIKI, the god frog, returned to his humble ear hole and the amphibians immediately started digging in.
It’s amazing the number of oreos the average frog can fit in its mouth.
“These past twenty-four hours have been really weird mr. frog nurturer. You don’t know how good it feels to finally meet someone sane,” said the idiot.
“Well I’ll drink to that,” Fernando didn’t say. What he actually said was “Have you met Granny Melba?”
“Yes”
“Well then did you know that she is the one that founded this place? She is the one that funds all of my research. She herself is a genetic scientists studying everything from flying pigs to ants with super strength. We’ll show you most of the facility’s departments and functions in action tomorrow. And maybe, if you get bored, you can go check out the fair. But in the meantime finish your croutons because we have the best twelve computers set up to play overwatch and we’re gonna play until one of us loses all perception.”
“Uuuuuu I love that game.”