A Letter I Cannot Send

Dear Dad,

I am so angry with you. How could you do this? How could you turn our family into a shadow of what we once were? How could you hurt us so much? Don’t you care? Can’t you see?

Just because you had a difficult childhood doesn’t mean you had to make ours that way too. The only pain worse than grief is abandonment. I can already hear your retort that you never left, but the truth is that you abandoned us so long ago I can’t remember the last time you were really there. We pretend that everything is okay, but we’ve been without your heart for such a long time.

I should never have felt the need to step up and be Mom’s co-parent, especially at 12 years old. I should not be the person Chris obeys the most; I should not have to stand between you and Ashley; I should not be asked for parenting advice by you, my father. You are the parent, not me. I am 23 years old, but I have essentially been a parent for the past 11 years. I am tired. You’re right, I felt so burdened at home that I needed to run away to California to feel free. I waited until Chris got to high school and for the first time in so long I was able to put my needs, my dreams first and it felt good. Scary, but good. Even so, I felt guilty for leaving home. I felt bad leaving them: Mom alone to parent, Ashley without a buffer between the two of you, and Chris without the only person he actually talks to at home.

And now? After all that has happened I feel like it is my fault. It’s not fair. I should be angry at you, only you. But I’m even angrier at myself because I saw this coming. I saw it coming and I ran anyway. I let them down. I wasn’t there. I didn’t stop you from hurting them - literally this time.

And I blame you for the guilt and the responsibility I feel for what happened. I've known for years that you couldn’t be relied upon to be an adult and take care of yourself. I knew you would do something stupid and harmful; I knew that you would snap under the pressure that you, and only you, put on yourself.

Why didn’t you step up? Why didn’t you do something, anything, to fix things? Isn’t that what a parent does? A grown man? You had a crappy childhood, so what? That was over 30 years ago. You have had so many people surrounding you who love you and would have welcomed the chance to help if you had only been honest. Do you really not understand the love of your family? Your brother and sister who grew up in the same house? Your wife who chose you, even knowing the darkness? Your children who were brought into the world already loving you unconditionally? We all love you so much, but it is becoming harder and harder to make excuses and forgive. Your unwillingness to seek help is just further proof of your rejection of us. And it hurts. 

That should never have happened, Dad, never. I should never fear for my baby sister’s safety from our father. My pit bull of a sister should never imagine the word “terrified” and lock herself in her car in the middle of the night because of you. You are supposed to protect her, not be the reason she needs protecting. 

I’m done cowering in the corner. I feel like finally attacking you back. The most painful thing you could ever do to me is to hurt Chris or Ashley. You’ve crossed that last line and I can’t just absorb the blows anymore. I don’t know what to do with this concentration of anger. It is strong and potent, and I honestly don’t know what I’ll say when I see you next.

I hate the way I feel right now, and the way I am behaving. I feel like I’m becoming more like you and it frightens me. I am angry, and sad, and scared. 

The only possible balm I can imagine is that you admit your weakness and get the assistance you need. I can't even send you this letter because without pyschological help this could push you over the edge, and I still love you too much to risk that. I'm so far out of my depth and I don't know how to fix this. I need you to help me by finally helping yourself. Please, Dad, if you don't do something now you're going to lose us all for real this time. We can't keep falling into this cycle that gets worse with each spin of the wheel and with this last episode we've decided to get off. Find a way to change things or this time we'll have to leave you behind to save ourselves. Please don't make us.

Love,

Your Daughter