That’s Going To Kill Me

Someone’s always telling me about the things that will kill me.

Eating too much will kill me

     So can not eating enough

Eating eggs will kill me

     So will whole milk, heavy cream, and cheese

Eating the little blackened bits from the grill will kill me

     But they’re oh, so tasty!

Too much salt will kill me

     So, too, will too little

Sugar and caramel coloring will kill me

     And Oreos are crack!

Too much fat and red meat will kill me

     Don’t eat this, but that

Driving a car will kill me

     Even from the back seat

Flying in an airplane will kill me

     And only the black box will know why

Driving a motorcycle will kill me

     Look twice! Save a Life!

Riding a bike without a helmet will kill me

     No one survives childhood without one!

Skydiving, rock climbing, and bungie jumping will kill me

     Geronimo?

Swimming will kill me.

     Rip tides, killer waves, and Jaws!

The flu will kill me

     Despite the nagging: get yer shot!

Disease will kill me

     Is it genetic or contagious?

Taking drugs to better my life will kill me

     Side effects: unexplained muscle pain, tenderness, or weakness; confusion, memory          problems; fever, unusual tiredness, and dark colored urine; swelling, weight

     gain, urinating less than usual or not at all; increased thirst, increased urination,

     hunger, dry mouth, fruity breath odor, drowsiness, dry skin, blurred vision, weight

     loss; or nausea, upper stomach pain, itching, loss of appetite, dark urine,

     clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes); abnormal ejaculation,            impotence, decreased sex drive, difficulty having an orgasm; suicidal tendencies,

     death

Going to the hospital will kill me

     Medical professionals are not perfect!

Vaccines will not!

Alcohol will kill me

     Oh, the trouble I could get into, if I only drank more than two

Smoking will kill me

     Oh, the trouble I could get into, if i only inhale

Breathing second hand smoke will kill me

     Well, if you believe that, I’ve got a climate change story to sell you

Bugs, bees, and spiders will kill me

     As well as snakes and colorful frogs

Bad chicken will kill me

     So will bad vegetarian

Coyotes and moose will kill me

     And lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my

Carbon monoxide will kill me

     So can the mold under the stairs

Earthquakes, lightning, and tornadoes will kill me

     Proving Mother Nature’s a bitch

Thugs, convicts, and parolees will kill me

     As well as home-grown or foreign terrorists

Working at a gas station or party store will kill me

     Or simply walking the downtown street

My family and friends will kill me

     And so will my neighbor

And if all else fails, one of these days, old age will kill me.