Carousel (excerpt)

“Twitch Andrews?”

No response. She looks up at me, eyebrows raised.

“Present.” I scowl.

She drones on with the daily attendance list. Doesn’t think twice about it.

Tristram. My name is TRISTRAM.

I want to scream at her. But it isn’t just her. It’s all of them.

“Breathe,” I tell myself.

I doubt that anyone even remembers what my real name is. People have short memories.

Heat is blasting through the vents. Nothing ever works the way it is supposed to in this place.

I can feel the sweat trickling down my back. The classroom is unbearably hot. I find it difficult to concentrate when it is this hot. I continually feel myself drifting off. I can’t let that happen.

I touch the wall; it is reassuringly cool. I slowly edge my chair closer until I am half hidden in the corner. Much better, I can get down to business.

A spasm goes through my leg as the needle pierces the skin. I anticipated the pain, but I can’t help an involuntary twitch.

Two girls sitting behind me start sniggering and whispering to each other. In spite of their hushed tones, I know they are talking about me. I overhear the words “freak” and “psycho”. I pretend not to notice but I can feel the blood throbbing in my head and the rage building inside me. It isn’t enough that I suffer. They have to humiliate me as well.

I concentrate on my breathing and try to calm down. I overshoot; my mind starts wandering again. I brace myself and move the needle in further.

Pain. There is always so much pain.

Scratches, cuts, burns; layers upon layers of scar tissue. I took down the mirror in my bathroom. It’s only getting worse, what’s the point of looking at it.

A year ago, there wasn’t a blemish on me. I feel the rage building again and I try to calm down. It doesn’t matter what they think. It doesn’t matter what they say. I’m not a masochist. I’m not crazy. I hate pain. They don’t understand; this is the only way to stay sane. I have to stay strong until I can find a way to fix this.

I will find a way. To heal myself. To make them pay.

It wasn’t just Julian who did this to me. All of them helped him to cover it up- the Sheriff, the cops, even my psychiatrist. I know she is in on it too. She doesn’t know that I’m on to her. None of them do. I’m just biding my time, playing dumb, playing crazy. They don’t know I didn’t lose my memory, I remember everything from that night. And everything that happened after. Everything.

* * *

It all began on the Fourth of July last year. I was planning to spend the afternoon playing video games with Rich. My mother had other plans.

“Why are you still on the couch, Tris? Let’s go”, she said, gesturing towards the door.

She was wearing a strappy floral dress and make-up. She had even curled her hair. It was a dramatic change from her usual look- nurse’s scrubs with her hair in a ponytail. I gaped at her in surprise, I barely recognized her.

“Whoa, mom, you went all out. Like one of those make over shows.”

Embarrassed, she looked at herself in the hallway mirror. She rubbed her cheeks self-consciously and dabbed her mouth with a tissue. She put her hands through her long, blonde hair, pulling some of the curls looser.

“Better?” she asked uncertainly.

I continued to play my game.

She made a frustrated sound.

“Are you planning to change?” she asked irritably.

“Why?” I asked without looking up.

She stared at me, annoyed at my rumpled appearance as I lounged on the living room couch. She walked over, blocking the screen and gestured at the door.

“I thought I didn’t have to go”, I mumbled from the couch.

“What do you mean?” she demanded. Before I could answer, she added, “We went last year and it was absolutely wonderful.”

I began to protest that last year’s party had definitely not been “wonderful”. I offered up “insanely boring” or “worst party ever” but she ignored me.

“We are going. Sitting on the couch all day is not an option. Now, grab the salad off the dining table. I’ll get the dessert from the fridge. Now, Tris.”

She started bustling around, grabbing keys and putting random objects in her handbag.

“Why can’t you just go, mom? I don’t even like the Asperger’s” I said petulantly. I had paused the game but still hadn’t moved off the couch. I yawned lazily.

She smacked the back of my head, startling me.

“Don’t talk like that. They are good people.”

“Whatever”, I responded, annoyed. Then I remembered.

“And what am I supposed to say to Rich? He’s gonna be here any minute. I told him that he could spend the fourth with us.”

She glared at me. Clearly, she had forgotten that Rich was coming.

“You were the one who said I should invite him.” I said defensively.

She stopped what she was doing and sighed impatiently. I held my breath, hoping that she would cave. She was looking at me uncertainly and I knew she was tempted to leave us behind.

“Let me call Roland and see if we can include Rich.”

I cursed softly and got off the couch; I could see that there was no way out.

I made my way to the dining table and grabbed a large bowl covered in cling wrap. I could hear her talking on the phone as I checked my hair in the mirror. I smoothed down my t-shirt. Not bad, I thought and gave my reflection a thumbs-up.

“Thank you Roland, that’s very gracious of you. We’ll see you soon. Bye.” Smiling, she walked back into the kitchen and put the phone back on the wall.

Her smile faded as soon as she turned around and saw me smirking.

“Stop it, Tristram”.

She was embarrassed.

“You know mom, if you like him so much, why don’t you just ask Mr. Asperger out?”

Her face turned red. If she wasn’t mad before, she was now.

“That’s enough, Tristram. I didn’t raise you to talk like that. You should know better, Rita can’t help her condition. And she could really use a friend.”

I rolled my eyes. “Everyone calls them that, mom.”

“I don’t and you won’t either,” she said firmly. “Now, out. We’ll pick up Rich on the way.”

“Fine” I sighed. “I’ll tell you what mom- I’ll stop saying that, if you stop trying to get me to hang out with Rita Hasberger.” I emphasized the last name.

Before she could respond, I noticed a dark haired teenager in ill-fitting clothes walking up our driveway. It was unmistakably Rich. His grandfather shopped for him in the clearance box at the Salvation Army and rarely paid attention to the size of the garments he purchased. I rushed to the door.

“Hey Rich!!” I yelled as I threw it open. He walked up to the house slowly.

“You’re early! We would have picked you up”, I said.

Even though he looked hot and was sweating profusely, he smiled at me good-naturedly as he came up to the door.

“Hey dude! I wasn’t really doing anything, so I figured I would just walk and save you guys the drive. Hi, Mrs. Andrews.” he said cheerfully. Rich’s parents had died when he was very young and he lived with his grandfather who was too old to drive.

“Well, good sir, I am afraid that I am the bearer of bad news. Plans have changed. We are not gonna hang out here and have fun. Instead, we are going to a barbeque at the Hasbergers’”, I said to Rich, stressing the word. My mother rolled her eyes and hustled me out of the house.

* * *

Outside, the heat was unbelievable. I turned and tried to rush back inside but my mother was too quick for me. She pulled the door shut behind us and stared me down.

Rich smiled and gave me a friendly shove. “Oh, come on princess, it isn’t that bad.”

We stepped out into the blinding glare. Squinting, I walked slowly to the car.

Balancing the salad bowl in one hand, I grabbed the car door handle with the other and was immediately scalded by the hot metal. Yelping, I let out a loud curse and dropped the salad bowl. Rich grabbed it before it hit the ground. The cling wrap had saved the ingredients from roasting on our driveway.

“My spider sense was tingling”, he said with a grin. I snorted.

My mother glared at me and gave Rich an appreciative smile.

“Thank you Richard.”

Once inside the car, we weren’t any better off. It was like a furnace, and we tried not to touch any of the searing surfaces as we sat down.

“You boys okay back there?”

We writhed in a parody of death convulsions and silent screams in response.

“Okay, okay, okay”, she laughed. “I’ve turned the AC on full. It’s going to cool down in here. Jeez, you two, cut it out already.”

Somehow, in spite of the heat, everyone’s mood had lifted. Rich always had that effect on people. Judging from my mother’s attitude, I didn’t.

As we pulled out of the driveway, the 70s radio station started blaring. My mother always said that it was her favorite radio station but I knew that wasn’t true. The truth was that the radio was broken and she didn’t want to fix it. It had been that way for almost a decade, ever since my father had died, sitting where she sat now.

It was all Antonio’s fault. He had known that there was something wrong with the car and had still sold it to us. After the investigation, we weren’t able to hold the dealership liable, the police had ruled my father’s death an accident. But Antonio knew that he was responsible for his death, and when the car was released from the police impound lot, he had taken it back to the dealership and repaired for free. My mother hadn’t objected. Or thanked him. Almost everything had been replaced and worked perfectly. Everything except the radio; no one had noticed that the radio was still broken.

I wasn’t sure if my mother felt that getting the radio fixed meant finally admitting that my father was gone. Or if she felt that Antonio was responsible and would someday return to fix it. Whatever the reason, the radio had not been fixed in over a decade.

ABBA faded out and the radio show host told us that it was the hottest Independence Day in over 60 years. I couldn’t tell. I always felt hot in July.

I stared out of my window. In spite of the heat, almost every backyard grill was on. Sweaty men huddled in groups around their grills, staring down with intensity as the burning coals glared back. They looked grotesque.

“If I ever end up like that, please kill me.” I declared to Rich.

“I don’t know, I think they look kind of cool.”

I laughed but he didn’t join in. I turned to him for an explanation.

He was looking out, over my shoulder, smiling.

“No, really. I think they look like warriors,” he said.

I looked again at our burly neighbors, sweating and cooking. I didn’t see it. I saw my mother glancing out of her window and then looking back at the road with a perplexed expression.

”Look at them, Tris- men and beasts, fighting for supremacy.”

He lowered his voice to a whisper.

“The shining beasts slumber peacefully. Men surround them; armed with long, silver tongs. The beasts awaken and open their mouths, snarling. Heat pours out of their burning red orifices. The men stand their ground, watching, waiting for the right moment. The beasts build up their strength. Now they are ready- their mouths open again and the heat is almost unbearable. But the men are ready- they knew this was coming. They throw in enormous hunks of raw meat and clamp down. Smoke billows, you can smell the carcasses burning, the fight is over. The men have tamed these ravenous creatures.”

He paused. “I think they look incredible. Like knights taming dragons.”

Rich had a way with words. Even my mother looked impressed. But it wasn’t just what he said, it was what he saw. I envied him; I didn’t see the world the same way.

“I guess so”, I mumbled and stared out of my window.

The Bee Gees shrilled all the way to the Hasbergers.

* * *

A girl with bright blue eyes and a mop of black hair greeted us at the door. She opened the door but didn’t step aside to let us in.

“Hi!” said my mother warmly, smiling at Rita.

“Hi” said Rita in flat voice. She didn’t move.

“That’s a nice dress Rita, it really brings out your eyes” said my mother affectionately. Rita didn’t respond.

“This is just lovely. Now, can we please come in?” I asked impatiently from behind. I was roasting in the sun.

“Yes” said Rita and stepped aside.

It was wonderfully cool inside. I saw Rita’s father, Roland, in the corner. He was enormous and made no effort to disguise the fact that he disliked me. I found him terrifying. I avoided looking in that direction but I could tell he was looking at me.

I turned back around to Rita.

“Hi Rita, it’s nice to see you”, I said politely. Then I turned and walked away quickly to avoid any further interaction with her.

I scanned the room to see if anyone else I knew was there. It was unlikely as Rita was something of a social pariah. Still, a boy can hope. I looked around. There were only two other kids our age there -one was a fashionably dressed girl wearing dark glasses indoors and the other a large boy who seemed to be absorbed in conversation with her. I figured she could do better than him, so I puffed out my chest and gave her a casual hello wave but she ignored me.

Whatever. Her loss.

I made my way to the buffet table.

Behind me, I heard Rich giving Rita the same cursory greeting before joining me.

“Dark glasses indoors, really?” I said to Rich

He looked startled.

“You are kidding, right? That’s Tasha.”

“Who?” I asked irritably. “You know what, I don’t care. Let’s eat.”

He shrugged amiably, “Okay.”

As I was helping myself, I surreptitiously watched Roland and my mother. He had visibly relaxed once we had walked past Rita and was sneaking glances at my mother. She greeted a few people and then slowly made her way over to him. He lost interest in anyone else in the room. So did she.

“It’s like one of those all you can eat buffets” said Rich excitedly, looking at the table.

Following his gaze, I saw that it was a eclectic potluck of food that Roland’s friends had brought- salad, rice and beans, noodles, Polish sausage, there was even lasagna. It was a welcome change from the two bowls of chips that had been on the table last year.

Rich and I piled our plates high and sat in a corner, eating. A few helpings later, I was full.

As we sat in the corner watching the other guests, I saw my mother follow Roland out to their back yard.

Scowling, I walked to the back door and peeped out. They were standing next to a grill. I walked back in and threw myself down next to Rich.

“Save some space. They’re making burgers and dogs”, I said to him.

He was still eating but he paused to nod at me.

A little while later, they walked back in, carrying plates of hot dogs and burgers.

We waited for a few people to help themselves before we made our move.

“Ready?” I asked.

Rich nodded enthusiastically.

“Oh yeah.”

“I can’t move”, I said to him, when I was done, leaning back against the wall. “That was good. Surprisingly.”

I needed the restroom. I went around the corner, passing Roland’s study. The door was ajar and I peeped in. There was a bottle of bourbon on his table. It was almost full. I looked around. There was no one. Too risky, I kept going.

On the way back I looked in to the study again. The bottle was still there. And everyone was still in the lounge. I walked in to the room and shut the door quietly behind me.

There was a window behind his desk, overlooking the side of the house. I opened it and stuck my head out. There was nothing to see- just the fence and some bushes.

Perfect.

I grabbed the bottle and gently lowered it into the bushes right below the window and then made my way back to the lounge.

Rich looked up at me, as he stuffed his last bite of hot dog into his mouth. “What do we do now?” he asked, through a mouthful of food.

I smiled. “Follow me.”

We snuck around to the side of the house. I pulled the bottle out from the bushes.

He looked impressed.

I unscrewed the cap and gave it a sniff. It smelled awful.

“Smells good!” I declared confidently.

“Yeah, totally” agreed Rich, looking around nervously.

“Relax“, I said confidently, “No one’s coming.”

I took a small sip. It tasted even worse than it smelled. I forced myself to swallow. My eyes teared up a little.

I handed the bottle over. “It is really good” I lied.

He took a sip and spat it out immediately.

I felt better.

“You’ve got to swallow it quickly”, I said, pushing the bottle back towards him. My voice still sounded a little raspy.

He picked it up and took a large swig. With some effort, he swallowed it. He didn’t speak. He just shook his head and shuddered all over.

I took the bottle back and took a big sip. It tasted worse than the first one. I forced it down, trying not to gag.

Rich picked up the bottle slowly and took another sip. Then he pushed it back to me. He looked a little green.

I couldn’t believe it was my turn to drink again. I sighed and picked up the bottle.

This is not how I had imagined it would be.

“You know, Roland is going to get mad when he finds out that we drank his bourbon” said Rich despondently. “What do you think he will do to us?”

He didn’t wait for me to answer.

”Whatever it is, it is going to be really, really bad.” He sat back dejectedly.

Angry Roland was not a pleasant prospect.

“Yeah, you’re right.” I said, putting the bottle back down on the ground. “We’ll need to write a program to get us new identities so he can never find us.”

He smiled. “I’ll add it to our list. Right after, write a program to get you a date.”

I chuckled.

“We hacked into the municipal office, that’s gotta count for something.”

“Yeah, that locked file with the super secret sewage map was a big win.”

We both laughed.

“We need to figure out how Fred gets into the traffic cams. That’s where the big bucks are”, said Rich.

“I don’t know if I want to blackmail people for a living”, I said uncertainly.

“Or own a comic store?”

“No, I do want to own a comic store.”

He smiled wistfully. “Me too.”

“I can’t believe he is only twenty four and he owns a freaking comic book store.”

“He still lives in his mother’s basement though- he’s a total loser.”

“Yeah, he is. And he’s completely insane.”

“And a total douchebag.”

“Yeah, forget him.”

He picked up the bottle and examined it. There was a little more than half still in it.

“You know, we haven’t actually drunk that much. He may not remember how much was in it.”

I perked up. “You’re right. If we just put it back, he might not even notice.”

Rich nodded. He looked at me sideways.

“That’s too bad, I had really wanted to finish it,” he said, cheerfully.

“Me too” I said, wholeheartedly relieved. “Last one?”

He nodded.

I drank a large swig to prove my disappointment and he did the same.

I was glad that was over.

I went back into the house. As I went in, I noticed that there was a cooler on the floor with bottles of water in it. It gave me an idea. I grabbed one and took it with me to the study. Once inside the room, I locked the door and opened the window. Rich passed me the bourbon. I put it back on Roland’s desk and topped it up with some water. Some water spilt on the table and on his papers.

Cursing, I tried to clean up. I didn’t have time for this.

One of the papers was titled “Department of Defense- Veteran Affairs”. Intrigued, I picked it up. There it was, halfway down the page.

“Marine Corps.”

I looked at it with horror- Roland was an ex-marine? And here I was, stealing his liquor and trashing his study. I looked around in panic, quickly re-arranged the papers, reminded myself to be nicer to Rita and ran out of the room.

I headed back out. My mother frowned at me as I walked by again but Roland said something and she got distracted. I rushed out quickly.

I threw myself down next to Rich. I was starting to feel quite dizzy.

“I’ve been thinking”, I said slowly.

“You? Never, I don’t believe it!” he laughed.

I chuckled.

“About Anna” I said shoving him with my elbow. “I think I should ask her out.”

He paused. “You know, she looked at you during Chemistry.”

I couldn’t believe it.

“Chemistry” he said again, meaningfully. “Clear sign.”

We decided to strike while the iron was hot.

He tried to get up but stumbled. I wasn’t feeling great either, but I was doing better than him.

“I’ll tell them we are walking back.” I staggered back inside.

“Mom, Rich and I are going to walk back home. “ I said loudly, while attempting to hide my face behind the partially open door.

She half turned, “Okay. Call me when you get home” she said and continued talking to Roland.

Rita was sitting next to her and looked up at me.

“Bye” she said in a monotone.

“Bye Rita.” I said as I swerved out the door.

Now that it was the evening, the weather was much more pleasant than when we had arrived. It was much cooler and a gentle breeze had started blowing. On the other hand, the entire town now reeked of beer and burnt meat, which made me feel incredibly nauseous.

We walked towards Main Street. Anna’s house was right around the corner. There was a group of girls standing on the corner, giggling.

As we got closer, I realized that Anna was one of them.

I stood up straighter and cleared my throat. I glanced at Rich and he gave me a wobbly thumbs-up as he struggled to walk straight. As we passed by her, I turned and said “hi!” in, what I hoped, was a deep and meaningful voice.

She ignored my greeting and made a little sound that sounded like it could have been “ugh!”

Crushed, we walked on in silence. I braced myself for humiliation.

“That was amazing!” said Rich, unexpectedly.

“Err…what was?” I said, looking around confused.

“The tension, dude. Between the two of you. That was intense. She is definitely into you.”

I looked at Rich suspiciously, looking for signs of sarcasm, but didn’t find any.

“Really?” I asked uncertainly.

“Definitely”, he said and gave a little burp.

“Yeah” I said, feeling significantly more cheerful. “Totally”.

We attempted to high five each other and missed.

“You know, I kinda miss hanging out with you.”

“What are you talking about? We hang out all the time. In fact, we are hanging out, right now.” I leaned in, smiling.

Rich smiled back. “I know, I just meant at school. I think the last time we hung out in school together, was probably freshman year. I mean, ever since you made the team, I hardly ever see you. You even quit the Mathletes and the Geek Squad.”

Even the names made me wince. I looked away, embarrassed.

“It doesn’t have to be all the time, maybe just at lunch, or recess?“

He saw my face.

“Or…not” he trailed off.

How could I explain to him what being accepted by the football team meant to me?

“I’m sorry, man,” I said, still looking at the sidewalk. “It’s just…I can’t. Those guys, Jason and the others- they won’t understand. They would take it as some sort of betrayal. They label everything, everyone- they…we, are jocks, and jocks don’t mix with nerds. It’s just how it is. “

“Oh, and here I was worried that you were going to say something clichéd.”

“I don’t make the rules, man.”

He rolled his eyes.

“You barely even know these guys, you don’t owe them anything. We’ve been best friends since we were four, so what if they don’t like it?”

“It’s not about them. I’m not the same person I used to be. I quit the Mathletes because I’m not a math guy, I just like to code. And I think it’s important that the football team is cohesive. What does it matter anyway? I hang out with them at school and you at home. Don’t worry, there’s enough Tristram for everybody.”

I grinned at him but he didn’t smile back.

“You know Tris, sometimes you can be a real….” he didn’t finish his sentence.

My smile faded. We stood in uncomfortable silence.

“Forget it” he said and started walking again. “It’s going to get dark soon, we should get home.”

I followed him and we carried on slowly along Main Street.

“I need to sit down.” I said. My head was spinning; I leaned back against a lamppost.

“Come on, princess” said Rich, staggering by slowly.

We continued on our seemingly endless journey. I swore to myself that I would never drink again.

The light turned red and the walk signal came on. I could hear the sound of cars in the distance. I stepped onto the road and started crossing the street. I wondered if Anna was thinking about me. Suddenly, two cars came around the corner, incredibly fast. I heard someone scream, “Look out!” but I couldn’t see anything, I was blinded by the headlights. The car tires screeched as it turned away from me and went up onto the sidewalk, missing Rich by inches.

A second car came around the corner, and swerved to avoid hitting the first car. The driver saw me, too late. I knew him. Who was it? The alcohol clouded my mind. I couldn’t think, I just stood there, frozen. It was going to crush me, I was going to die. I screamed.

Rich leapt forward, shoving me out of the way just as it came.

The side of the car hit me and I felt the cold steel collide with my hip. I felt pain all through my leg as I flew back towards the wall, and then, nothing.