“NO ONE SINGS LIKE YOU ANYMORE.”

I’d like to begin my story with a short background. In April of 2013 I hit an all-time low. I tried to commit suicide myself. The doctors say it is a miracle I survived. In my 51/50 hold I wrote the chorus lyrics to Zero Chance on the wall. (chalk board walls for us crazies to write on.) Don’t worry, I cited our beloved Chris.

In August of 2013, I got tickets to Chris’s Song Book tour. My friends were all busy so I got a ticket alone to the show in San Francisco. The evening I got my ticket a “sister wife” had scored 4 3rd row seats in Eugene, OR the following night. I took one of the 4. I was in heaven, in 2 months I would see Chris in concert for the first time. My plan for the trip was to drive off the edge of a cliff on the way home from Eugene.

I had 3 song requests for Chris. The first I made a sign for, ZERO CHANCE, my favorite Soundgarden song. The other 2 requests were for covers, which I had as requests in my head, songs that said everything I was feeling. Looking back now, I should have seen this tragedy of losing our beloved Chris.

On Friday night, I was stuck in the 18th row, but he sang, without me asking, my first cover song request. I felt like he had read my mind and sang the most beautiful rendition of Otis Redding’s “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay”. I was stunned and so blessed.

On Saturday night in Eugene, OR the show was even more amazing. Being in the 3rd row made such a difference. At one point in the show he said he was surprised no one had asked for requests. I grabbed my sign and held it up. He said to me he couldn’t read it. I tried yelling but he couldn’t hear me. He asked everyone to be quiet so he could hear me since I made the sign. My heart stopped!! I screamed out Zero Chance and he played it. It was funny, just before he played it, he said it was a weird song. (he wrote it??) 8 months later he dedicated it to his TOTD friends at the Bridge School Benefit.

Then he read my mind again and played my second request. Cat Stevens “Trouble”. I cried. Bigtime. He said he was going to play a Cat Stevens song and some douche bag kept screaming Cat’s new name. As I was about to stand up and say STFU, Chris said it for me!!! The crowd went crazy, we all wanted the guy to shut up. (no offense to Cat, us old timers know him as Cat.) Anyway, it was like I was in sync with Chris. In my darkest hour, he was there for me. It hurts so much knowing he was alone in his darkest.

Like all of us, his music is healing, comforting, inspiring, and I could go on forever. I never went through my 3rd attempt until 3 years later. I’ve tried 4 times and all the pain free methods just won’t work for me. Losing Chris doesn’t help. Life is full of pain. And no one who knows me knows how badly I just want to die. I will forever be tormented with WTF would cause Chris to want to. He adored his wife and children. He seemed to have it all. I wish I could say there are obvious warning signs, but there aren’t. We suicidal people keep it bottled up.

I will love you until the day I get to die Christopher John Cornell. You were a beautiful soul whose words ring truer than ever.

“NO ONE SINGS LIKE YOU ANYMORE.”

As a footnote, suicide prevention lines are a cruel joke that make you feel worse.