SHIT HAPPENS

     All of this happened because I woke up late. If I hadn’t woken up late that particular day none of this horrifying nightmare would ever have happened. The minute I woke up I had to go to the bathroom, and I mean I had to take a shit. I frankly just didn’t have time, so on this fateful day I left the house and headed off to work uncomfortable.

     At the time I was working at an elementary school on the Costa del Sol in Southern Spain. All day long I was dealing with children speaking to me in a foreign language that I hardly understood. Adorable little Spanish children that melted my heart and annoyed me to death all at the same time.

     It was almost Christmas and directly after school that day was the Christmas dinner with the entire staff. I was getting a ride from my friend Roberto, and certainly didn’t want to inconvenience him by having him wait ten minutes while I ran to the bathroom. Not only is that rude, it’s entirely un lady-like, and I really wasn’t sure how to say “take a shit” in Spanish. So off we went to the Christmas dinner together.

     This holiday dinner turned out to be extremely fancy, but to my joy and surprise included something that I truly love: FREE WINE. Being around only Spaniards and myself, the only way to avoid the awkwardness was to pound as much free vino tinto as humanly possible. The dinner basically involved a lot of nodding my head, laughing even though I didn’t know what the hell was actually going on, and hoping to god no one asked me a question directly. About seven glasses later, I was invited to join my coworkers at a local bar afterwards for dancing.

     Three cervezas more at the new bar, the time had finally come. I was so inebriated at this point that I didn’t give a shit where I took a shit. My drunk ass headed to the tiny toilet in the bar, and finally allowed myself to do what I had been waiting for all day long. By no surprise at all, as usual in Spanish bars, I quickly realized that there was no toilet paper. In my blurry mind I figured I would just, you know, shake it off and deal with it later. I shortly thereafter immediately forgot about the major problem that was happening in my nether-regions. Back to the dance floor I went to dance my booty away.

     At the time there was this American guy living in the exact town where the bar was, and in my current state I figured calling him would be the best plan of action. His name was James, and I had hooked up with him once before. I basically just gave him head in the hallway of this hotel and he came in 44 seconds. This guy wasn’t exactly my type, but there was something about him. He was cocky, and cocky I like. I sent him a text suggesting we meet up for some drinks.

     Thirty minutes later I was sitting on the steps of a old Spanish church waiting for James. I could not have been more excited when I saw him coming from around the corner. James was preppy, with reddish blonde hair, and quite stocky. He was going to be a lawyer, and wore cardigan sweaters far too often. We walked together to another local bar near the beach and he bought us some beers and a couple shots of whiskey. And then more shots of whiskey. Too many shots later we were off to his apartment.

     The minute we walked in the door it was hot. He slammed me up against the wall, sliding his hand around the back of my neck and pressing his lips against mine, sliding his tongue into my mouth. He reached his hands roughly up the front of my shirt, grabbing and massaging my tits. James took my shirt off, throwing it recklessly on the floor. He ripped my bra over my head, not even bothering to unhook it. My boobs were suddenly in his face, and his tongue all over my nipples. At this point we were still at the bottom of the stairs in his apartment. We stumbled up the stairs, so fucking drunk that we were literally bouncing off the walls stumbling up to the living room. I sat on the couch and James ripped my pants off my body, ripped my underwear off and started eating me out. I was moaning in pleasure whens suddenly James stopped.

     He stood up.

     “I’m sorry Liz… but … but I just can’t do this anymore”.

     I immediately thought he had some kind of problem with my vagina. Of course every woman is sensitive about their vagina and live in constant fear that there might be some kind of odor that may be less than appealing. I was so hurt and upset that I just screamed at him.

     “What? You don’t like my vagina? You think it smells or something? Well fuck you!”

     To which James kindly and oh-so-nicely replied:  “No… no, it’s… not that. The smell is coming from… well the… other part of your body down there. You’re a cool girl, and so I want to be straight with you, but I’ve literally got shit on my hands right now, and the smell is… it’s just awful”.

     Oh. My. God.

     At that point I immediately remembered the horrible fiasco that happened earlier in the night. My drunk idiot ass, instead of apologizing and immediately leaving like a normal person would do, just jumped right up.

     “I’ll just take a shower then. No biggie! I’ll just take a shower and everything will be fine and I will be right back.”

     I ran to the shower as fast as possible. Afterwards I just went traipsing back into the living room, dripping wet, and all I could find was a hand towel so that’s all I had covering me. I must have looked like the hottest god-damned mess he had ever seen in his life. And guess what? James just came right over and we continued right where we left off. The man kept going! And we fucked right there on the couch where the great shit incident of 2010 had occurred. And we fucked again in the morning.

     After finally getting home the next day, it really started to dawn on me how disgusting and mortifying the night really was. At the time I really just wanted a fuck buddy who lived nearby, and James was quite good in bed, but I was too embarrassed to tell even my closest friends. The poor man had had my shit in his mouth. After much contemplation and finally having the nerves to tell my roommate about the literal fucking nightmare that had happened the night before I somehow decided that it was a good idea to send James a Facebook message. I really needed to clarify that I was in fact a clean person, that this was just an isolated fucked up incident and so not the norm.

     The following day I sent him this message, verbatim:

     “I just want to throw this out there while I still have my dignity. Although I think I pretty much lost that last night haha. Well for my own sanity I just wanted to clarify that I normally do have really good hygiene, I swear! It's just that there wasn't any toilet paper when I went to the bathroom and I was planning on going home afterward and I was so drunk that I wasn't thinking clearly to solve the problem and then I forgot all about it. Anyway just wanted to clarify what happened during the worst situation that has ever happened to me! And thank you for acting so... normal and mature. In a couple of years this story might be really funny but right now I just want to kill myself. Well if you ever want to bone again let me know, I could use a fuck buddy in Spain. I promise to shower beforehand...ha.”

     I contemplated my sanity sending the message. After clearing it through my roommate  and assuring myself it was the right thing to do, I was then faced with the arduous task of titling this most awkward message. It came to me almost immediately.   

     Shit Happens.