part 1- a woman

PROLOGUE:Life is a series of cuts that eventually make this movie like film that is your life. I prefer to call my cuts, parts, and part 1 of the formation of me and my life starts off with a woman. It is with the assembly of these parts that we determine what makes a blessing and what makes a lesson. You're endeavors aren't necessarily pre-meditated, but manifested.

It is with love that we find pain, it is with pain that we find desire, and it with desire that we entail passion. I'd love to tell you a story of a beautiful woman I know; She was an advocate of expressing passion, loving others, and following her desires despite all the pain she suffered in the process.She was strong as hell and left my father a widow. Graceful as a rose, but she had some thorns. I knew her for a short time, but she made a lasting mark on my heart. A teacher, a mother, an Emeril enthusiast, and Law and Order obsessor. An educator, a true advocate for the 8th graders in her English class, in fact she was teacher of the year.She made carrot cake, beautiful memories and never put me at stake. Red lipstick and the Virgin Mary, symbols of you, like how you couldn't eat dairy. Red gel nails and your black wig, you'd put eyelashes on and after a while your clothes got big. A breast cancer warrior and my biggest idol, as a child, I didn't understand why you'd lost your hair and your smile. Turns out you had the cancer when you were 3 months pregnant with the child you were gonna conceive. You gave me that ear to ear grin, fed me green grapes, and taught me how to swim. I wish I could talk to you, and tell you my dreams and goals, now that I think of it you probably already know! You made the sacrifice of your life for me, I'm grateful eternally and sometimes I can't believe it. Dad still has trouble looking in my eyes and not thinking of you, he never changed his email by the way (it's both their first names together @aol. com).This woman was a power house but a softie too, you gave me endless peace and the same size foot and shoe. People say I have your eyes, that's why it so hard to look into dads eyes, I can see the tear that almost makes him cry. He never met anyone after you and I sat here with only a memory of you, as I was four and you were forty two. I smell the gardenia flowers and I know you're there, I'm sitting in the dark and cold and your presence makes it warm and fair. This way I feel you keep me safe, when your essence is around me my heart lay agape. My biological mother dying at the age of 4 from breast cancer, custody issues, retractions of all my mothers pricey possessions to her family, moving wherever I fit to save my dads financial status and eventually having to live with my older cousin and her family. I didn't trust that good things would happen when in my childhood I encountered mostly bad. My mother was like an enigma to me most of my life, it took me getting in touch with my clairvoyant abilities to truly hear and know her.When I sense her I go to a perfect place, it's like I'm alive and dead in a joyous never ending heaven. Now before you ask I'm not a truly exemplary catholic, but I would describe it as Psalm 23 here it is NIV

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever."

I know you don't want me to feel like a burden and when I write sometimes it feels as though I'm actually channeling you and writing the beautiful things you pop into my head. Everyday I see the clock at 1:36 whether a.m. or p.m.; in numerology that's a 10 and a 10 is a 1 meaning wholeness , number 1 and number 0 aka a gift of power and protection, it also symbolizes unison with that of a higher power.

At the time of this great loss I didn't realize how much i had truly lost.Now as I look back on it I really wish i had given her more of my time. I questioned how such a loss could be meant for something better?

It amazes me how even 14 years later I still feels like there's a black hole where you should be. Yes there's good things like kindness and compassion in this world but there's no one like you that make those Things even worth it. I've lost a lot of people in my life, but it just sucks so much how I lost the one that practically brought me into the world? It was my life or yours and sometimes I still wonder if my life can be as valuable to people as yours evidently was. Rosa Maria Villarreal De La Fuente thank you for sacrificing your life for mine, I promise to make you proud and never waste time. It's with you that I learned that life is a blessing and I can not waste it. A couple weeks before you passed away you wrote a letter clearly stating your faith in overcoming your life's biggest setback, the last words wrote" this disease will leave me and surely I will dance with Joey at Sarah's wedding". My father is Joey I am Sarah and my mother Rosie, is an angel now.