I want to sleep

I want to rest

I want money and I want to be the best

Life is a constant test

Am I seeing truth or merely a scheme

I ended up fine

I shall reap my harvest down the line

But we are wasting all our lives

hoping

that there is any proximity between

time and our dreams

Is there even a reason why we choose to not follow the things we truly believe?

She looked at me with a deep resentment

Her eyes glaring like open windows in the night with lamps on

It wasn’t because of something I did

but because of something done unto me

No matter the situation and despite the ending

She would always be there for me and help me start the mending

“Don’t be daft!” she exclaimed at me

Her words like a three pronged trident stabbing me in the entirety of my chest

I knew the feeling of loss

I knew the feeling of grief

I knew what it felt like when darkness and sadness were a consistent motif

Yet this unexplainable pain was a feeling

I had not had the chance to meet

She taught me that words are certainly nothing

and actions have no value or worth

Because if he truly loved you

He would have never made love hurt

It took days and weeks and months of giving into his temptations

Silently watching him kill my aspirations

For me to finally understand that he was never gonna stay mine

He would never hold my hand

All he was to be

Was a shell of a man

Once you were my home

But now I’d much rather live alone

To trust is to love

To love is to believe

Sadly as I can see

You didn’t love or believe in me

I trusted you wholeheartedly

You trusted not in me but in my ability

Able to see only your facade

But it was only that way for a while

It’s a shame because I saw through it

Day and night I contemplated denial

My home was ice cold and I couldn’t figure out why

It was because you took my warmth and left your lies

Lust was alive but love was dead

Maybe next time time think with your heart and your head

My home was uprooted abruptly

Like a tree in a storm

Because your inconsistency became the norm

I deserve love

a true and genuine one

Not what you gave me

Which was little to none

I know you say you cared and loved me

But if you really did then why didn’t you fight for me?

Self absorbed and in your own hidden agenda

I bet you thought it was me

I was yours always

Your hopeless little fool forever I’d end up

Crystal clear

Take your spear

And drive it through my chest

Pale blue

Wondrous hues

your words are the best

Cloudy eyes

Fogged minds

Leave your inhibitions at the door

If im wild and free does it jeopardize the way you see me

If so cut me loose now and spare me the gore

You ever give so much

You ever open yourself so wide only to end up not being enough

I feel like you are everything

But I feel like an unloved instrument never getting any playing

Like I love you more than you love me

Like i love you more than I love weed

I make myself feel like an idiot day upon day

Only to find myself eventually having nothing to say

I wish it still felt like the beginning of May

You promised me sleepovers but you never actually stay

It’s hard to be like you and see the future first

When now In the present I feel the worst

Who are you giving that love to now?

Or my mind is playing games with me that I seem to allow

It’s different world going on

We’re faced with challenges but it feels like something’s gone

It’s been a while since you’ve held me it’s been a while since our love felt free

I can’t feel the way our hearts used to dance

I can’t tell if it’s gonna be like this forever or just now for the circumstance

It seems like every night I stay up till the next morning waiting for your unexpected call or text asking me if I’m awake.

I ache at the idea of finding someone and you swooping in right when I think I have found something worth while.

Lately it feels like my void will never be filled

I miss what we had even if it wasn’t serious

I still haven't found a connection like what we had

he‘s like vanilla standard and sweet but you’ve got an endless dank aroma that keeps me waiting for you

Every encounter I seem to undergo I seem to compare them to you

You did it best

You know more about me not in an informational sense but in a cosmic sense

im not sure if I can say what we have is love

we like the same things and were emotional people

when I’m with you I can remember every detail

for you it’s not like that

but I know you’re what I want and I’m what you need

once things get real for you I think you’ll realize what an asset I could have been

I’m just afraid it’ll be when I won’t want you

but for now all I wanna do is make, feel, and reciprocate love to you

I know the real you I’d like to think

Being from the same hometown area so I can’t leave here and think I won’t see you again I don’t get that relief

If I think about you this much and think of all the efforts you have made to see me there’s no way you can’t think of me too

I will move mountains for my lover, why can’t you want that?

it's times like this that the everlasting stretch of inability leaves me numb

i'm unable to speak

i'm unable to retain

i'm unable to have a stable connection

im unable to act

the only thing keeping me is the pre meditated solution that i turn to

I feel as though I could go on every day in this box

nobody would talk to me anyways if I was out of it

I can sit all day by mirrors and lose myself in the possibility that someone with the ability to live life and take on anything is looking back at me

The looming presence of my insecurities combined with the inability to muster up the confidence to ask where the bathroom is

I can't even walk into an empty study lounge

Yes.

it's empty but the fact that at any waking moment anyone can just come in

unannounced

and having to sit in that space that was once just an empty study lounge

now its a battle field between the likelihood of the other person interacting and my crippling inability not letting me feel anything other than fear

I feel better behind a closed door

because I don't have to include myself into anything but my own thought

we're different

but abundant in other things 

 you're a flower and i'm a honeybee 

you're sweet and fragrant while i'm small with a sting

i wanna make you mine 

and I feel like i'm drawing a line

straight to you without a doubt

try to make it right with me and come out

not sure if the sun is okay with you stealing all the light

I feel like i'm admiring your presence from out here every night

shining brighter than the skies

is the happiness in your eyes

tall and strong

representing those who keep faith and do not do wrong

a big baby who i would not mind making a connection with

notice maybe?

 you could save me

I can't say i've encountered someone like you

you're special like a select few

i feel like a fool falling for you

but i wish you'd open up too

just please stop hiding behind the door

you and i both know you want more.

PROLOGUE:Life is a series of cuts that eventually make this movie like film that is your life. I prefer to call my cuts, parts, and part 1 of the formation of me and my life starts off with a woman. It is with the assembly of these parts that we determine what makes a blessing and what makes a lesson. You're endeavors aren't necessarily pre-meditated, but manifested.

It is with love that we find pain, it is with pain that we find desire, and it with desire that we entail passion. I'd love to tell you a story of a beautiful woman I know; She was an advocate of expressing passion, loving others, and following her desires despite all the pain she suffered in the process.She was strong as hell and left my father a widow. Graceful as a rose, but she had some thorns. I knew her for a short time, but she made a lasting mark on my heart. A teacher, a mother, an Emeril enthusiast, and Law and Order obsessor. An educator, a true advocate for the 8th graders in her English class, in fact she was teacher of the year.She made carrot cake, beautiful memories and never put me at stake. Red lipstick and the Virgin Mary, symbols of you, like how you couldn't eat dairy. Red gel nails and your black wig, you'd put eyelashes on and after a while your clothes got big. A breast cancer warrior and my biggest idol, as a child, I didn't understand why you'd lost your hair and your smile. Turns out you had the cancer when you were 3 months pregnant with the child you were gonna conceive. You gave me that ear to ear grin, fed me green grapes, and taught me how to swim. I wish I could talk to you, and tell you my dreams and goals, now that I think of it you probably already know! You made the sacrifice of your life for me, I'm grateful eternally and sometimes I can't believe it. Dad still has trouble looking in my eyes and not thinking of you, he never changed his email by the way (it's both their first names together @aol. com).This woman was a power house but a softie too, you gave me endless peace and the same size foot and shoe. People say I have your eyes, that's why it so hard to look into dads eyes, I can see the tear that almost makes him cry. He never met anyone after you and I sat here with only a memory of you, as I was four and you were forty two. I smell the gardenia flowers and I know you're there, I'm sitting in the dark and cold and your presence makes it warm and fair. This way I feel you keep me safe, when your essence is around me my heart lay agape. My biological mother dying at the age of 4 from breast cancer, custody issues, retractions of all my mothers pricey possessions to her family, moving wherever I fit to save my dads financial status and eventually having to live with my older cousin and her family. I didn't trust that good things would happen when in my childhood I encountered mostly bad. My mother was like an enigma to me most of my life, it took me getting in touch with my clairvoyant abilities to truly hear and know her.When I sense her I go to a perfect place, it's like I'm alive and dead in a joyous never ending heaven. Now before you ask I'm not a truly exemplary catholic, but I would describe it as Psalm 23 here it is NIV

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever."

I know you don't want me to feel like a burden and when I write sometimes it feels as though I'm actually channeling you and writing the beautiful things you pop into my head. Everyday I see the clock at 1:36 whether a.m. or p.m.; in numerology that's a 10 and a 10 is a 1 meaning wholeness , number 1 and number 0 aka a gift of power and protection, it also symbolizes unison with that of a higher power.

At the time of this great loss I didn't realize how much i had truly lost.Now as I look back on it I really wish i had given her more of my time. I questioned how such a loss could be meant for something better?

It amazes me how even 14 years later I still feels like there's a black hole where you should be. Yes there's good things like kindness and compassion in this world but there's no one like you that make those Things even worth it. I've lost a lot of people in my life, but it just sucks so much how I lost the one that practically brought me into the world? It was my life or yours and sometimes I still wonder if my life can be as valuable to people as yours evidently was. Rosa Maria Villarreal De La Fuente thank you for sacrificing your life for mine, I promise to make you proud and never waste time. It's with you that I learned that life is a blessing and I can not waste it. A couple weeks before you passed away you wrote a letter clearly stating your faith in overcoming your life's biggest setback, the last words wrote" this disease will leave me and surely I will dance with Joey at Sarah's wedding". My father is Joey I am Sarah and my mother Rosie, is an angel now.