The Final Break

I loved you.

I loved you with an all consuming fire.

You were the warmth that melted my frozen heart.

You made it beat again.

For the first time in so many years, my heart was beating.

All thanks to you.

See, I've had this hate hate relationship with myself.

I've been judged, criticised & abandoned my whole life.

That leaves scars, man.

Deep, rotting, festering scars that ooze with anger, self-loathing, anxiety, depression & myriad other sad emotions.

I thought I would never be good enough.

But you changed all that.

You treated me like a queen.

Everything was perfect...

Until you hit me.

At first I thought I must have deserved it because, how could someone who claimed they loved me do something so cruel unless I had made some heinous mistake?

So I dismissed it & loved you still.

Then it happened again.

I questioned why, begging you to tell me what I did wrong.

"You're just useless. Pathetic."

That was all you said.

For months I tried so hard to make you happy.

I loved you.

I wanted to be with you.

Yet, I failed. Time & time again, I failed.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'd ask myself this every single day, hoping to come up with the answer.

& then I knew.

I knew exactly what I had to do.

I wasn't right for you &, as you had pointed out, wasn't right for anyone else either.

So what was the point?

I loved you.

Oh how much I loved you.

I loved you as I held the gun to my head.

I loved you right up till I pulled the trigger.

I always loved you.

But it's over now.

Everything has stopped.

Thanks to you, I ended it.

I broke up with myself.

I broke up with life...

©CJ