I Am Responsible

I should have known. Generations of alcoholism, mental illness and abuse found its way through me and into my daughter. How fucking arrogant of me to believe I had the education, tools and capability to “give someone the chance that I was denied”. Did I not realize that my child might inherit the family’s mental illness? Could I not see the damage that even limited (but loving) contact with close relatives might cause?

Sick parents produce sick offspring. Years of therapy, 12-Step programs, prenatal classes, baby development seminars, parenting classes and parent-infant involvement courses – all of these – were not enough to teach me how to be a “good enough” mother or how to understand and connect with my daughter. Obviously, I was not well enough to be an effective parent – not well enough to give my child insight or to guide my child in overcoming problems. Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

It is not enough to know that “I did the best I knew how.” My Mom did the best she knew how, and she was the result of a borderline, bipolar, mother. As a result, Mom and I experienced a “failure to bond”. Mom once told me, “You’re a very difficult child to love.” I developed Major Depressive Disorder, feeling lost in life, until diagnosis and treatment as an adult. So, why did I invest so much of my life into “beating the system” - perpetuating this cruel cycle? Anyone, looking in from the outside, would have seen my maternal folly. Hindsight is 20/20!