The Queen of disaster has a maiden name
‘Where’s my food?’ he shouted, slurring almost enough to be inaudible.
‘Shit!’ I woke up, panicked. I had only meant to lie down and rest my back for 15 minutes, not the 4 hours I had slept. I scurried to the kitchen to try to pacify Ntate Modiri. No hollering, had he passed out? I walked into the sitting room. I knew one way or the other, I had to face him. That was odd, he was eating.
‘Dumela ntate.’ I greeted pensively.
‘A ngwanaka, today your cooking is not up to par. But there is ample meat so I will overlook that.’ He reached into his pockets. ‘How much was the meat?’ he asked looking at my straight in the eyes with bloodshot eyes.
He was strange like that when drunk. He could be overly generous if one played their cards right, say for instance one served him ample meat when he knew he had left two pieces when he had left. I had to find the little rascal responsible for this, scold them for stealing whatever money they stole to make this happen and kiss their little cheek. Whoever it was couldn’t have stolen it from me. I had had just P1.30 left from the toiletry shopping I had done on Friday. Anyway, now the important question was how much could I afford to ask Modiri for.
‘P15.75 ntate.’ No matter how rare his generosity was, Faye had to learnt to always have a rough estimate of the money I needed to keep the rugrats afloat for a week. I couldn’t afford to ask for more than a week’s supplies worth. See, ntate Modiri got a weekly paycheck and lived mostly at his girlfriend’s house, the same girlfriend that helped him so excellently impress the social workers that checked up on the children, but that’s another story on its own. Now here’s the catch, Modiri got merry at the local waterhole about 5 days of the week, not necessarily work days. If he ran out before Saturday, his payday, he would be very angry and take it out on anyone. He had had to be bailed out twice already and if he appeared in court one more time, the younger children could be taken to live in the SOS Children’s Village in Tlokweng. Faye knew that the constant change of caretakers there could leave young ones with deep abandonment scars. I also knew that as some of them were going through teenagehood already, they’d probably spend less time with their siblings, without knowing the permanent rift this would cause in their relationship. I’d seen it happen when I had been there before my father had come to get me.
Oats, some milk, maize meal, spinach, flour, yeast, sugar, roibos, salt, oil, meat, rice, sauce and a single can of beef for the children’s weekly protein intake.
I heard someone whistle and looked up. ‘Hey. I was in the neighbourhood. Thought I’d say hi.’
I wiped a couple of sweat drops from my brow. ‘Ugh, now. Really, now, when I look like shit.’ I decided I would suck it up and turned to him, ‘Hey baby boy.’ I squinted my eyes at him, ‘exactly where in the neighbourhood were you?’
‘Uh.. over there.’ He pointed, towards the only pink house in their neighbourhood. ‘Oh really, what do you and Reba’s father have to talk about?’
‘Stuff. So, what time are you free today?’
I wanted to say the words, but how? I’d wanted to call so many times and say them but couldn’t. I had even called once but when he had answered, I had said absolutely nothing. ‘Man up, get this over with so you can stop making up scenarios.’ ‘Uh.. Okay.. Here goes. I see you every week for 3 months, then you go all MIA on me cause you’re busy, which I get cause you’ve got shit going on, and you’re trying to make shit happen but what about me?’ ‘Look, Faye, I’ ‘Don’t interrupt, this is humiliating, let me get it over with. See thing is, I screwed up and I wound up with a whole lotta feelings. You’re effing amazing so how could i not. Shit!’
Why had I thought I would enjoy the time alone? Doing nothing proved to be more physically painful than doing winter laundry. Who knew? It was 2pm and I had already smoked 3 cigarettes. My grumbling stomach finally made me notice that I was hungry I walked into the kitchen. Shit, not a slice of bread in sight.
These moments where I felt like I was losing touch with reality felt all too familiar for comfort. I looked through my diary entry from the first month after form five.
Those were the days when I hadn’t two 50 thebes to rub together. One cigarette had to last me an entire day. I chuckled when I thought about how I used to try my best not to let any of the fumes go to waste. I would inhale so much at once, so that I could leave my cigarette at half length. Then I would wait for the nausea and light headedness to pass then start studying. My thoughts would in that next 10 minutes be calm and all revolve around what I was studying at the maent. Once that happened, lift off was achieved and it didn’t matter what I had thought of next, or if the rush of thoughts tried to reinvade my mindscape, I had already been encapsulated completely in what I was reading. All I needed was the 10 minute focus period to spark up the fascination.
I did remember though that sometimes I had overdone it and ended up feeling like shit. One time in particular had been in boarding school in form four. I had been in the corridor of one of the classroom blocks. The place had been perfect because on one hand the guards would think it was some of the school’s tough guys whom they always ignored when they did minor things lest they become overly hostile when they were being put in line for some of the more shitty things they did. What the guards did not know was that these boys hardly ever came to this block.
When anyone asks why smoke, my response was always, ‘ Every great person I know of has taken drugs. Da Vinci, Eminem, you name em. Do you know how many medical school students are alcoholics that take weed on the daily?’ Truth is, I was highly neurotic in nature and could only count on Stuveysant to keep my calm.
‘See, here is why I’m obsessed with self diagnosis and attaching a label to my inner psychological workings. I’ve always wanted a doctor to just diagnose me with a psychiatric disorder that’d just make everything I’ve done make sense. I want plausible deniability for my actions and my thoughts because all this darkness, I’m scared to admit that that’s the real me.’
He looked at me with a somewhat blank expression but behind this, I could see he was desperately tring to understand me.
‘Okay, so if a psychologist said you had issues, then you’d know for sure? I’m pretty sure you already do, dude an if you don’t, I’ll tell you myself, you’re twisted.’
I smiled at him. He was forever trying to be the one solution to my problems.
If ever there was a real man left, it was him. His immense pride that rendered him incapable of asking for or receiving help, his intense need to achieve everything he wanted and not slack off.
‘No, dumbass, a psychiatrist.’
His expression changed to a quizzical one. ‘What’s the difference?’
‘If a psychologist diagnoses me, it’d mean I have issues I may have caused or let build up but if a psychiatrist diagnoses me, it means I have something not working right in my brain, or my frontal lobe is bigger than normal or whatever. See that’s why psychologists use talking through stuff but psychiatrists give people medication.’
‘Hmm.. Okay. Wow, you know a shitload about this stuff.’
Aw, you said shitload.’
‘Yeah well, I still think it’s a stupid word but I guess you’re rubbing off on me, I guess. And don’t aw me.’
I leaned over and kissed him. The kiss probably lasted less than a minute but it was something I knew I wanted to experience for years. it wasn’t my first kiss but it was absolutely the butterflies in tummy one I had thought existed only in Danielle Steel novels.
‘Shit.’ he muttered.
‘Sorry.’ I muttered back.
‘No, it’s totally cool. I mean I was totally not expecting that, like at all.’
‘Sorry, I’ve just been wanting to do that for a while now.’
‘Really?’
‘You didn’t notice?’
‘No. I didn’t think you saw me in that way, at all.’
‘Hmm. Okay, well. I’m sorry I ambuId you.’
‘No, don’t be. It was uh.. incredible.’
‘Can I do it again?’
‘Anytime.’
I leaned in again. We walked round the block until around 4 am, stopping only at 1am at the house so I could go in and put blankets over my siblings who had kicked the blankets off of themselves.
‘Where are you sleeping tonight?’
‘My aunt’s. My uncle’s making my cousin and I go to the cattlepost tomorrow.’
I felt my heart sink a little. ‘When do I get to see you?’
‘I really don’t know. Maybe I’ll be back in three weeks, but it’s really not my decision.’
They pressed their foreheads against each other.
‘Okay.’
A goodbye kiss and he was gone.
I fell asleep after two hours even though I felt physically tired. I was in a state of emotional confusion, excited, with butterflies in my tummy and at the same time cruId. Why had I chosen today of all days to finally man up. Maybe if I’d done so a month ago, I’d be sick of him by now, or sated from maing out with him.
‘Yeah riht.’ I muttered into the darkness around me. I knew he wasn’t like the random distractions.
No, not ‘the one’ dumbass, just one of the very rare I want in my life forever. You know, a you.
I typed in as a reply to Mamli’s text. I then played my favorite Jeff Buckley track, put on my earphones and dozed off.
‘You have got to be effing kidding me.’
I tried again for the fifth time, still in disbelief.
I handed me 4 pula over to Kago. ‘Go buy a loaf and roibos.’
Now that the 4 pula was gone, I’d have to walk to Mamli’s this week for my dose of sanity. I always walked of course so this was like spit on the face from the universe.
‘Who the eff do I think I am huh? Who am I to think just once, everything would be alright for one effing day huh?’ I said, accusing no one in particular.
Just then I got a text message.
Going to be about an hour late.
It was from Ace. I sighed, wiped my tears and went to go bath. Since the sun had gone down, the cold water was extra pnishing on my skin. I couldn’t help crying again.
‘You’d think I’d be over crying about stuff by now right? I really should be but because I’m a big effing baby I still effing cry.’
Oh yeah, here was one of the weird things about Faye. While other girls sang in the shower, I talked to myself in the shower.
I had actually stopped expecting him to show up when he finally did. After getting ready, I spent about 30 minutes half trying to be less nervous about seeing him and the other half trying not to keep my hopes up about him actually showing up. Sitting around doing nothing did not help at all, I decided, so I gathered up the kids’ socks and washed them, a chore which could have waited until tomorrow.
I had long reached the conclusion that due to my impulsive and emotional nature, distractions needed to be readily available at all times.
‘Oh, I thought you weren’t busy at the maent.’
‘Oh um.. no. this? Just needed something to distract me?’
‘From what?’
‘Dude, I like your watch.’
‘Really? It doesn’t even work anymore. I’m just wearing it cause my brother bought it for me and that’s a pretty rare occasion so.. yeah.’
‘I really like digital watches on guys. Instant turn on.’
‘Even if it’s not working.’
‘Especially if it’s not working. Shows that you absolutely get the point of the watch. It’s a masculine aesthetic commodity before anything else.’
‘Um.. Okay.. Thanks’
‘Really Faye? Aesthetic commodity? Great now he thinks you’re an uppidity bitch.’ I thought.
‘Shall we get going before your father shows up?’
‘Yeah sure.’
‘I know it’s pretty far, but can we go to Mamli’s? It’s near the mall.’
‘Sure.’
The banter was flowing as usual. He brought out something in me I absolutely adored. With him, I was animated, alive and funny, definitely a far cry from the sleep deprived, mopey face the rest of the world got to see.
‘Hey dude. I know it’s late but I have a super good reason for being here. It’s hilarious actually. You’re going to love it.’
‘Um okay. Hey Ace.’ she couldn’t have kept her knowing smile hidden even if she had wanted to. He waved back. He had waited for Faye outside Mamli’s yard, much to Faye’s annoyance, in case her sister was the one who answered the door. ‘Common courtesy and all’ he had pointed out.
As they walked up to him, I reiterated the day’s events. ‘So anyway, long story short, I finally had shit together, worked a couple of piece jobs for money, got groceries and what do I get home to discover? The stove has decided to stop working. And how much is a stove? A whole 80 pula. And when will I have 80 pula? In three weeks. And what will I be feeding the little rugrats until then? IDK man.’
I burst out laughing and Mamli joined. The laughter turned to guffaw as I saw Ace’s reaction for the first time. I wasn’t sure if he was reacting to the story or to our reaction because I hadn’t told him the story.
Mamli however, was oblivious to him at the maent. ‘Dude, you’re screwed.’
I turned to me, ‘Shit dude, I know. Told you it was hilarious.’
‘I just… Wow man, genadin man. It’s like a constant ‘Fuckk you’ all year round, with no day off.’
‘No matter how hard you try dude.’
‘Wait, why are you guys laughing?’
‘Cause my life is shitty.’
‘And that’s funny.’
‘It’s freaking hilarious.’ answered Faye.
‘I don’t get it.’
‘It’s how we handle shitty circumstances. We laugh.’
‘Uh.. okay.’
For the next thirty minutes they stood there at Mamli’s gate and made ‘it could have been worse scenarios’.