Disney & Self Esteem

Disney is sexist. They present unrealistic expectations to females at an early, impressionable age that, if not achieved, can scar them for life. Of course we all know what I’m talking about; the eyes.

Obviously these unrealistic eye balls aren’t going anywhere, partly because they’re pretty, and mostly because Disney has more money than Satan on a lucky streak in Vegas. And eyes aren’t the only thing. I’ve heard rumbles of body image or something, I don’t know.

Guys face these issues as well. Not all of us can swing from tree to tree, or assassinate our brother to assume the throne. Disney thrusts these expectations down our throats and records us choking on it (how else did you think they got the voice for Donald?).

Self-esteem is a huge issue for ugly people, and it’s starting to bum the rest of us out. So I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a few reasons to feel better about yourself! So sit back, cradle your knees and tell yourself everything will be alright as we take Disney down a notch.

1. Jane sneezed on Tarzan once and he immediately died.

What, you think that story would have a happy ending? If you’ve read history at all you’d know that the European’s best weapon was their own filth and squalor. Tarzan’s immune system consisted of bananas and bestiality, he wasn’t anywhere near prepared to deal with the black plague.

2. Most of the Disney couples are divorced by now.

We all know high school love affairs generally don't end well. Most of the princesses were 16, or younger! Ariel didn't even know what a fork was, how well do you think she'll do in court? Cinderella would certainly end up with only one of those expensive glass slippers. The only one who is still chugging along is Snow White, but that's only because she's clinically depressed; some say that there's still a part of her sleeping away, that no amount of forced kisses will wake up.

3. Simba was beheaded

He had three solos and now thinks he can run a country? Monarchies are complicated governments, and all the circle of life stuff leads me to assume that he’s the head of the

church as well. Hakuna Makata doesn’t apply to civil war, or plagues, or Pumba’s attempted suicide. Political expertise isn’t genetic. We all know he couldn’t wait, but perhaps he should’ve taken a few management courses at the local community college before assuming the throne. I say we make Nala our leader. #pinnedya'gain2020

4. Rapunzel became the most economically viable executioner.

Rope ain't cheap.

5. A lamp wasn't the only thing he was rubbing.

You thought Jasmine was 18? That won’t hold up in court. Sure, Aladdin said it was love and that they had the Sultan’s permission, but then 14 other kids came forward and Genie told prosecutors the disturbing shit he was wishing for.

6. Ariel is totally fat now.

All that BP oil was chalk full of trans fat.

Well, there you have it. I hope you feel better about yourself because, as we all know, the best cure for self loathing is judging others.