SweatyGardener’s Top Five Tips to Beat Summer Heat
The disappointing thing about this challenge is that it's in the Comedy portal. I'm not just SweatyGardener the lame new writer on The Prose but I'm an actual sweaty gardener who spends his days working the land—securing flora and fauna for his family of humans and dogs—and his evenings in the SweatyGardener Innovation Lab in his basement. Over time, through experience and experimentation, I've developed the very serious SweatyGardener Method of Temperature Regulation. Here I present my top five tips for becoming and staying cool during summer's worst days.
1. Pant. Open your mouth, stick your tongue out and breathe in and out as quickly as you can. In short, pant like a fucking dog. It will cool you instantly. It will also make you look really happy and hipster cool no matter the situation. I do it anytime and anywhere I need a quick cooling. And I am ALWAYS surprised how many friendly smiles I get when I pant in public.
2. Drink as much clear alcohol as you can muster. Sweating is a fact of life and you need to replace the lost fluids with an equal amount. I recommend vodka and gin. You can drink Everclear too but reserve it for extremely hot weather when vodka and gin may not be as effective. WARNING: If you've stopped sweating, go directly to the Everclear.
3. Chew ice. Not for the fluids but for the mouth cooling effects. Note that you'll be swallowing water from the melted ice, so if you're using tip 2 then increase the amount of alcohol because the water will dilute it. Chewing ice has the added benefit that it will clean your teeth. It can be done safely with natural teeth, dentures, implants, and any other installed dental devices.
4. Apply ice directly to your skin for long periods of time. In the past, some astute students have said, "Professor SweatyGardener, what about ice burn?" I always give a hearty laugh and a pat on the back before explaining the physics of applying ice to skin. Yes, I say, ice burn is a problem. When you hold ice against your skin, the cold travels from the ice into your skin and the ice melts, or burns. So you do need to replace the ice but this is easily done.
5. Prop open your refrigerator and/or freezer doors. People don't realize that refrigerators and freezers are instant ACs. If you don't have an actual AC, or you do but it's down or going down, then start by propping open the refrigerator. It will immediately begin cooling the kitchen and even adjoining rooms. There's no need to remove meat or other foods because they'll stay cold. I don't want to get too technical but here's a summary of how refrigerators work:
Based on the refrigerator's temperature setting, which you can change, the motor cools the inside of the refrigerator to that temperature. If you prop open the door, the cold air will move out and cool the kitchen. It's the same as how the cold from the ice travels into your skin. But refrigerator motors automatically replace the cold. The motor kicks up a notch and cools the refrigerator to the set temperature. Every time the cold moves out, the motor keeps kicking it up a notch. You'll be amazed at how well it cools the room.
Freezers work the same way but like Everclear should be used in extreme conditions only. That's because propping open your freezer can actually turn your kitchen into a walk-in freezer. I've had occasion to use this technique when the harvest of rodents from my trap garden has been too much to fit in the freezer. Not that the harvest is ever so big that I can go all Rocky beating his meat for those of you old enough, but I can cover the family's protein needs. In any event, with my DIY method I've never had to buy a deep freezer.
So that's all for now. If you're interested in a full course of the SweatyGardener Method of Temperature Regulation, drop me a line. In the meantime, stay cool!
The intersection at Archer Rd
Another day walking up along the chipped beige wall. Beyond the plain color, its easy to see the jungle mural with its small ornate leaves painted under it. Cars rush through the intersection to the main road, their axels squeak from the sharp left turn blowing trash and broken car bits towards the narrow sidewalk. At the beginning of the crosswalk I stop and wait as a few hot rusty Junkers rush through it, tired engines putter up one of few steep hills in central Florida. It's hard to hear the beep of the crosswalk button when I press it with my elbow. The intersection crossing 13th street with Archer Road is the hottest place in the city, a solid infertile space of sidewalk and grey concrete that bakes any pedestrian or peddler like a slow cooking egg. I assumed all cars with their shade and air conditioning had it better until the day I turned to see who was parked first at the stoplight.
It was a convertible car with its top up, several people in tank tops and cheap shorts were slouching inside its shiny leather interior. After another inspection of the vehicle I realized the top was not up, but ripped off. While this alone would be strange, the most eye catching area of the car was its front. A series of wild scenarios crossed my mind the second I put my eyes on it. A fire under the hood? A bad front collision? A car part robbery? None of my ideas, brought any certain explanation to what I was seeing. The entire car was black and it looked like the color was applied through spray paint. Any front it had could not be understood by the bystanders terms. Nothing but random parts attached in that area through duct tape or sheer luck. This area too was blackened by spray paint. A windshield or side windows were nonexistent, just a loose car body with headlights dangling off like dead flowers.
There it idled, a poor clunker that had been disemboweled and sewn back together into a disfigured metal Frankenstein with shabby paint. A tired sagging shell of what it once was. That is, if it was anything to start out with. I couldn't believe such a sad machine could drive, but it did. When the light turned green its tires moved forward. All four of them seemed like a separate entity from the car that bobbed on top. Any logical person would suspect the main body was seconds away from sliding off of its foundations as the loose covering trudged through the intersection. It left as quick as it came, some strange anomaly that gave my bizarre dreams a run for their money. I crossed the sidewalk, seeing the last of the thing lurch up the hill and disappear into traffic.
One of Many
I have many siblings but one sister I am particularly closer to. She comes to my place often and we both do our grocery shopping together every week. Every time she comes over, one of the first things she does is immediately head to the kitchen to look for something to snack on. Since I am a year older than she is, she has made it my "older sister obligation" to feed her. I now make sure there is no food for her to snack on the days that she comes just so she can't raid my kitchen.
One day, it just so happens that she finds something to snack on. Now let me say this for a better perspective. I come from a big family with me being the only skinny one. My sister lost a lot of weight after high school and doesn't want to gain any back, so she quite literally snacks throughout the whole day except dinner and sometimes breakfast. So back to it, she comes in hungry and goes straight to the kitchen looking for a snack while shouting about my "older sister obligations." Apparently it is my job to make she does not go hungry. I tell her to stop taking my food but she has already found the cheese. She just so happens to love cheese. She takes it out of the fridge and starts munching on a slice. As she's eating, she starts looking for the calories to see how much a slice is. On her second piece of cheese, she sees the calories and says, "Damn, one slice is 90 calories? I ate two, that's like 160 calories."
I had to stop looking at the phone and really process what she just said. I look at my boyfriend to make sure he heard the same thing I did. He looks back at me and says, "Just don't say it."
I did not listen. "Did you just say 160?"
She looks at me and says with the utmost confidence, "Yeah. 90+90 is 160."
I can literally feel the disappointment on my face. "What's 9+9?"
"18. Why?" Her gears finally start turning as I stare at her dumbstruck. "Oh wait! It's 180!" She laughs boisterously.
All I can do is just stare at her. "Oh my God. You're really gonna be someone's lawyer one day."
Five Cool Tips for Summer
It can be difficult to stay cool in the Summer, so today we at the Acme Chemical Company bring you these five helpful tips, let's go!
Number one, keep hydrated. Liquid hydration can take many forms such as water, iced tea, beer or even mixed drinks in moderation. And don't fall for the trap of only drinking overpriced bottled water when city fire hydrants provide all you can drink for free. So carry a fire hydrant wrench in the summer months so you will be ready when thirst strikes.
Number two, get naked. Yes, this may get you banned from the zoo or the public library, your comfort is more critical than any so-called rules, laws, or restraining orders. We are all born naked and anyone who tries to take away your right to be naked will hear from your lawyer; and since he will show up naked in all court appearances and proceedings, those in attendance will be convinced in the benefits of nudism in terms of keeping cool.
Number three, fans and airflow. Fans are everywhere if you use your imagination. Every car has two high speed electric fans that are just ripe for the taking and let's not forget that many airplanes are equipped with large efficient fans. So if you're hot, all it takes is a quick hop over a fence at the airport to catch the breeze from an Airbus or Boeing that's sitting at idle making a truly refreshing breeze.
Number four, that refreshing coolness you can find underground. People forget that the soil temperature thirty feet underground is always around fifty degrees, rain or shine. So with a shovel, backhoe or simple boring machine, the path to coolness is literally right under your feet.
And lastly, your friends at Acme Chemical are working on some amazing new products to keep you cool this summer. Acme has developed a new line of lotions and cremes packed with special ingredients to keep you cool. These new UltraCool line of products contain a patented mixture of barium hydroxide and ammonium chloride; big words you say, but these products lower your body temperature by as much as one hundred degrees on a hot day. See the product links below to get a special discount code to try a sample of UltraCool today.
Just remember, there's no need to lose your cool when trying to keep cool, it just takes your imagination with a little help from Acme Chemical.
First, find the summer heat. This can be accomplished by going outside, a task that is admittedly very hard and foreign to most people.
Second, determine whether or not it is the summer heat. If it feels uncomfortably hot all over when you step outside, that is probably the summer heat, though it could just be your yard on fire. Make sure you can determine the difference.
Third, go find a long stick. These are normally found by rivers or in your garage.
Fourth, pick up the stick. This requires determination, dedication, deliberation, and dexterity. Make sure you have all four before you attempt to pick it up or it could end rather badly for you.
Fifth, hit the summer heat with the stick. This will accomplish nothing, and will probably look stupid.
This has been 5 tips on how to beat the summer heat.
What's hotter than the sun?... Nothing!! So when you're in it, you gotta wear protection, er, um, I mean, use protec..., um, not that either... you gotta try not to overheat or get sunburned, yeah. With these summer fun tips, you can be sure you are not falling victim to the suns harsh rays!
Rule #1-Fruits and Veggies-while this may seem like a no-brainer to always EAT your fruits and veggies, there is more to do with this little vitamin packs. Gather watermelon and cucumber, slice them really thin, then lay down, naked of course, and grab a friend or trusted (or in the very least, super hot and sexy) individual and have them cover your entire body in a single layer. Nature can be very refreshing. Be sure to avoid lemons, oranges, limes or anything super acidic- those can be hard on the skin
Tip#2-Sweatsuit (the workout kind that is plastic that you wear to make you sweat).
Sure, this doesn't seem to make much sense but keep reading. Okay, so put on the sweat suit, duck tape the bottoms of the legs and arms near the hands and feet. Zip it almost all the way up, leaving a small gap around your neck. Go into your kitchen, fill a pitcher with ice, then water. Pour the contents into the sweat suit until it goes up to your shoulders. Then zip all the way up. (Duck tape neck if it starts to leak,
Option3: Backpack Recharger- Have you seen those backpacks that have a usb recharger built in them? Well buy one of those. Then go buy one of those mini USB fans. Put on the back pack, plug in the fan, and WALLAH! ***Make sure if you have long hair, you wear it up when using this idea- can you imagine the mess you would have if your hair made its way into the fan. Oh, no.
Four--Air Conditioner- DUH! buy an AC. if you can't afford one, steal one off your neighbor's roof- just don't fall off. And you have to do it at night because they would notice it during the day if it suddenly turned off, in that case you better be pretty fast or have Superman come help you
Fifth; Move. That's right, they say if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. So if you are too lame to handle the heat, get your ass to Alaska or something. The last thing we need is to hear you complaining that its "too hot". Whining little baby.
So, you've enrolled in a four week study abroad program taking classes you're excited for in a country you've always wanted to visit...Sounds like a dream come true, right? That's what you might think! But what happens when you arrive at your dream destination only to find that it's way hotter than you anticipated, and you've only brought pants because you don't like the way your shins look in shorts? Well, let me tell you the five simple tricks I employed when I found myself in this same situation:
1) Get COVID!
Now, there are a couple drawbacks to this strategy. For one, you'll have COVID. And two, you'll miss out on the academic, social, and basically every other component of the trip that involves leaving your room, on account of having to isolate for a week. BUT...staying inside for a week means beating the heat for a week. And it gives you an awful lot of time to catch up on Stranger Things.
4) Okay I'm bored now, this sucks. I'm ready to be hot again.
5) Pour a cooler of water over your head like they do to the coach at football games.
I didn't know how drunk I was until I got outside. Not to worry, I made it home, bouncing my way upstairs to the apartment. Not fit for any debate, I climbed into bed beside my wife and quickly started to snore, but not for long since nature called and I was obliged to get up.
First leaning against the wardrobe door, some words from my wife would help me refocus, heading towards the bathroom. Next followed this scratching and shouting and banging but also complaints about the plumber who'd recently serviced our toilet. Then came relief and all the noise ended. Slowly and quietly, walking backwards, I made my way into bed. My feet were wet.
She knew to get up, tracking wet footprints along the landing to where I'd pissed against the front door. And as for my bitching about the plumber, it seems I'd been trying to flush the door handle.
5 Tips to Beat Summer Heat...
1. Make sure your thermostat is set to a cool comfortable number ... well until the bill arrives then adjust your thermostat to a number that makes you ask the question, "Is it cooler in here or out there?" I just received my electric bill for June and I broke out in a sweat just looking at the amount!
2. Living in Texas is wonderful - ask any Texan - we will so tell you, even if you don't ask odds are we will still tell you. Mild mild wonderful winters where you can wear shorts...but our summers are not for the faint of heart. So, I would say dress accordingly to the heat...but use caution because not wearing clothes is frowned upon and considered indecent exposure.
3. When you step out to get the mail...make sure no neighbors are out because if they are then you need to take a water bottle with you because you don't want to pass out while "visiting".
4. Keep your freezer stocked...Blue Bell...for those that know - no explanation is necessary.
5. Pray for Fall...or if in Texas pray for winter since summer basically lasts six months.
Pro Tips For Staying Cool This Summer From Roses311Sublime
1. Put on a chicken costume and sneak into a sit down restaurant. Head to the big freezer area and stay cool in your disguise. If someone becomes suspicious, start clucking and doing the chicken dance. That should throw them off your scent.
2. Get a human sized aquarium, fill it with water and stay in it. Put it on top of a wagon and have a trusted ally cart you around if you need to run errands. There are jobs where you can work from home, so it should be possible to find a job where you can work from your aquarium.
3. Go old school and play freeze tag with your friends. When you get caught, request not to be unfrozen. This should cool you down, eh?
4. Do lots of writing and develop a fan base. Find a few hardcore fans that are willing to surround you and fan you whenever you get hot. Whole new meaning to fans, right?
5. Dress cool. Like a leather jacket, black jeans and sunglasses. If you look cool, you'll feel cool, yes?