Read it and weep
Tattoo toodleoo. I won’t be covering up you. The gun you sprung from gets no second chance to disappoint and leave me blue. First and foremost I’ll no longer be reminded he/she was right about that too.
What you’d throw in my face when I showered. The respect I sought and thought I’d earned being inked. And therefore linked to you instead devoured.
Peer pressure convinced me you’d never go out of style. A Valentine’s Day gift to myself. Because I wanted to act a little wild. The exact opposite was tru though. My tattoo looking outdated before a short while. Your bold text will advertise my stupidity and lack of foresight no longer. Been killing me for some time now. And I don’t feel any stronger.
Couldn’t brush you off. Though I would try. Even with a blind eye. I couldn’t not see through lie. To that view I despised. Giving that ink the ole stink eye. As it would shoot it right back.
When you hate yourself seeing your reflection in a mirror is a constant fear. And things have only gotten worse since bleeding to look as cool as my peers.
I know removing our likenesses saying our wedding vows. Over the words Unbreakable Bonds.
(married name) Won’t solve all my problems but it’s good place to start. Toodleoo bad tattoo. The laser will be the end of you. I can’t believe the bullshit I unnecessarily put myself thru.
How to Deal with Your Greatest Fear for Free!
1. Don't think about it, just literally knock yourself out. Side effects may include redness, swelling, and headache. Overuse may result in stupidity. Do not use if greatest fear is knocking yourself out.
2. Make fun of someone with the same fear. Remember that everyone has a fear. If someone doesn't, that person is stupid and possibly overused Tip #1. Remind yourself that someone has a worse fear than you. For example, a fear of cheese, mothers, mirrors, and/or knocking yourself out.
3. If all else fails, contact Batman. He can do many things, including sawing off the legs of your bedframe so that no monsters can get underneath the bed.
Once there was a duck who was out about the town. She decided to walk into a bar, at which point a crafty bear saw an opening for a joke.
"DUCK" yelled he, at which point she turned and enquired why he would yell such a thing. "You were about to walk into a bar!" said the guffawing bear.
"Hmmph. I would have preferred more quality," harrumphed she.
At which point a koala rose and demanded why she was drinking tea made of his relatives.
"You insult people with most efficiency." said the bear, enjoying the havoc he had created.
"Fish-in-sea? Why not fish-on-land? Or indeed fish-in-space! We needn't decide the fate of others based on species," interjected a fish, having heard no context.
At this point, bear, fish, koala and duck were facing each other with remarkable aggravation. Eventually the duck sighed and said "This is simply unbearable. Let's have a round of drinks," leaving all parties satisfied except the bear, who wondered why he should be deemed un-able to enjoy this somewhat pleasing solution to their tiff.
Years ago, my mother took a yoga class at the YWCA. Periodically, she would come home and teach me some move she had learned. The one I remember was a full on ugly face, tongue out scream that, I believe, was supposed to relieve tension.
It really works.
I'm irrationally afraid of rodents (particularly tiny, mice that squeak, scratch and thump in the wall. Worse? The dead squirrel on my mother’s front steps when we came home from a trip a few years ago. She wouldn't let me call my husband and ask him to drive 40 miles and over an hour to come take care of it (he would have). Noooooo, don't bother him, Danny. You can do it.
Note, she didn't say we can do it.
So, I started to scream. Immediately. Loudly. Ugly face (kept my tongue in my mouth though) as I got a shovel from the garage. I continued to scream as I inched the shovel under the rock hard creature (neither bleeding nor rotting so not sure how he ended up dead on her steps. My theory was electrocution.) I screamed still as I scooped it into a garbage bag. Which I put in two other bags before putting them in a can which I placed at the curb although garbage day was several days away.
Screaming is a great way to handle fear. And if you're luckier than I am, perhaps someone will come to the rescue so you don't have to deal with dead rodents personally.
Or perhaps you're afraid of insects. I had a student who loved all God's creatures as long as they were not crawling anywhere nearby. It was not unusual for her to suddenly scream with such terror my heart would stop for a moment before I took note of the wild eyes and finger pointing at the ground or the windowsill. The first time it happened, silly, heartless me thought I'd step on the poor creature which led to shriller more unhinged screaming. No!!! Don't kill it. So, I scooped it up with a piece a paper and walked it outside (our windows had screens) so that it could live...free to find its way back into my classroom.
Now, if you're a city dweller, as I was from birth through graduate school, you might find yourself afraid of being mugged. Since screaming after the fact isn't always possible or in your best interest, when I was in college, I took to singing as I walked across a bridge from school to my apartment at night. Loudly. Badly. The goal was to ensure people were more afraid of me than I was of them. People tend to keep a wide berth from crazy.
These are only three fears many people face but I have no doubt the full on ugly face tongue out scream could help you get over yours. But if not, try the loud singing. If nothing else it might distract you.
Kevin’s Guide to Overcoming Your Fears
Tip Number 1: Avoidance
You will receive many complaints from family and friends begging you to Just Do It! Just face your fears! It's so easy! You'll see! There's nothing at all to worry about.
This is wrong. The best way to overcome your fear is by avoiding it obsessively. Afraid of water? Great. Avoid it. But you need it to survive— I don't care. Avoid it. No matter what. They are wrong. Water has killed billions of people over the span of human existence. Maybe in death you will find solace from the panic that haunts your every waking moment. Also, soda is a perfectly acceptable alternative (until you realize that they use water to make it... maybe you should just pick a new thing to be afraid of.) You, after all, are 70% water. Everyone is 70% water. Does this mean that everyone is 70% scary? Yes. Most definitely. See also: Tip Number 2.
Oh, you are afraid of bodies of water. That's easy. Just don't go swimming. (Although humans have bodies too... do we count as bodies of water? Asking for a friend)
Tip Number 2: Isolation
Now that we have number one down, the trick is to find out who around you isn't afraid. Back to water. Whether humans are bodies of water or not, there are some very strange people who just don't see the danger of water. Do you have friends who like water? Gone. Do you have a family member with a swimming pool? Poof. Do you, for some inexplicable reason, have a swimming pool in the backyard of your house because your wife told you it would be good for the kids? Guess you're homeless now, buddy, because that's definitely gotta go. A daughter who likes to swim? Better get ready to pay child support, because she's your wife's problem now. All of these friends and family members are actually dragging you down. Think of all the times where someone has invited you swimming and you can't go. Think of all the awkward conversations you can avoid simply by cutting off everyone around you! No more obligations, no more awkwardness, no more embarrassment, no more wasted time spent talking on the phone trying to explain to your crazy ex-wife why you will not be taking your daughter to a pool party despite the fact that you have custody that week...
Crazy that no one has thought of this before... I must be a genius.
Tip Number 3: Alienation
Remember, the most important thing of all: there is nothing to be afraid of. It is all in your head. You are completely irrational and crazy and no one will ever take you seriously. You are the only one in the world who feels this way and you are wrong. I mean, seriously, you think that normal people are afraid of water? That's just weird. Now that you are avoiding your fear and other people, just remember that you are different from everyone else and will never fit in no matter how hard you try. Your ex-wife is probably right when she says, you're so crazy Kevin I can't believe I married you and you really need to get some help. But never, under any circumstances, should you ask for help. That is a big no-no. Medical professionals will give you all the wrong advice, and you should definitely listen to my blog post that I wrote at midnight last night instead, because I am very good at handling my fear. Plus, medical professionals might do something weird like ask you about your childhood (The horror! The indignity!), and that'll bring up some nasty memories about living through Hurricane Katrina that you definitely will not want to remember.
People might tell you that you're suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder, you have aquaphobia, or thalassophobia, or maybe you're just plain crazy. But they are, of course, wrong. Because if you just remember the three tips I've given you, you will never be afraid again!
Trust me. It works like a charm.
See you lovely readers next time when I finally finish my blog post about overcoming depression! I just have to work up the motivation to get out of bed first... I've been so drained since my wife left me, but of course that is not at all due to my crumbling mental state. I probably have the flu or something. Which reminds me, I still have that one post to write about hypochondria...
Fear is A Four Letter Word, ‘GUN’ is Three
You’re trapped in a room full of people you don’t know that won’t stop talking about the stock market and every so often will fall to the ground and make a loud “WEEE” noise. You are the only sane person in the room. You are humored at the aspect of the falling individuals in front of you, yet you are afraid. What made you be in that room? Why did you have to be there?
And one important last question, how can you get out?
Fear is an overwhelming sensation, but when treated correctly goes over quite well. Allow me to laminate out a proper method to not only overcome fear in a sense the picture imagined generates but any type in any situation as well.
Step 1: Yell “Fire!”
Fight fear with fear. As it turns out, most individuals nowadays are rather terrified of the concept of burning alive. Not sure exactly why, but the act of yelling about an incoming fire has been show to generate hysteria. There is almost no method of fighting fear quite as effective as generating fear onto those who cause that emotion onto you.
This step is most effective with the arms flailed like a rag doll, a sense of urgency, and a display of human emotion. It should be noted that this step does not suggest that you start a fire to deter any feelings of fear, but it does suggest that you scare others into believing as such.
Step 2: Start a fire
Picking up where step 1 left off, actually starting a fire is a great way of getting others away from you. This step works best when overstimulated, when needing personal space, when in California, or when in a total state of panic. There is almost no method that can dissolve fear toward other people than a fear of fire. If handled properly with a general distaste of care, fire can be rather unintimidating. You may find others to not think this way, but that’s when this step works best.
If you can’t fake a fire, you should start one. If you can‘t properly convey a sense of panic through flailed arms and urgency, you should give others something to scream about. A control over other‘s fears has been shown to eliminate one’s sense of fear, and has even been shown to generate a certain calm.
This step works best with foreplay. Sprinkle around some gasoline before setting your setting ablaze. Threaten others with fire before pulling out a torch, that sort of thing. As mentioned, a bringer of fear knows no fear. Take this to heart.
Step 3: Abandon the fire and pull out a gun
Get the party started. With a bang.
Unfortunately, some people are rather enchanted by the presence of fire instead of acting paranoid and crazed with it around close. This can be most infuriating.
To cause a fear in people who seem rather fearless, this is where you would pull out a revolver and go ham.
The foreplay doesn’t work? Gun. The fire’s not a hit? Gun. You’re still scared? Gun.
A semi-automatic weapon is, in today’s climate, the most intensely beautiful way of fighting fear. One pop and the people run, and you have become an agent of chaos. What’s beautiful about this step is that once you were afraid, now you have fun.
What’s important to remember about this step is that bodily harm is technically illegal, and that aim is necessary and a confidence is needed. You cannot let down your guard, for someone else may have a glock on their person.
Well, those were the steps. I personally hope that you’re able to eradicate the fear you feel, and I hope that this post had given you some clarity, There is no beed to be afraid. Only fear for the people in the general vicinity of your armed person.
Thank you and stay safe, my friend.
So You’re Afraid of Failure
You should be.
Failure means death, but unless you're facing full system failure, you still stand a chance to live another day. I'm going to share three things that I've learned
through my own failure, so that you can rest assured, it ain't over til you're dead.
1. Avoid failure at all costs. If you are constantly surprised by your own shortcomings, then you deserve the shit that goes wrong in life. You have a vested interest in planning and executing your actions effectively and failure is a sign that somewhere along the line you got distracted by a piece of ass or a hunk of easy-money held out like a carrot. Stop falling for stupid tricks.
2. Don't stress about what could go wrong, prevent it. Put all the energy you put into whining or feeling sorry for yourself into positive activity. Protect yourself from failure through training, research, experimentation, finding a community, and exploring. Remember true failure is not to have tried and failed; it is to have never tried and then to go on crying about it.
3. No one can hate you as much as you hate yourself. There ain't an insult your enemies can fling at you that you haven't heard in your own head. What you have to focus on is what kind of thoughts you want to have about yourself. Are you cheering yourself on? Are you cheering yourself up? Don't worry what people say about you, cause guess what, those dicks are killing themselves on the inside too.
I hope this has helped you understand failure is the worst thing that can happen to you. It has nothing to do with trying new things or working hard. It has to do with laying there like a lumpy, grumpy egg roll who can't turn over by themselves. Don't be that egg roll. Get out there and LIVE!
Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash
#philosophyoflife #failure #fear #lifelessons #wisdom #comedy
Chuck handed the order to his customers. The little kid made a sad face, and clicked his tongue. Chuck held onto the plate of food. The kids parents looked at him, and cleared their throats. Chuck have a slight smile, and nod, “Here’s your cheese pizza, kid!” He said while gritting his teeth. As he was about to head back to the kitchen, he landed on his bottom. The kid quickly stood and jumped on his back. Chuck rose in a hurry, another waiter who had their back turned to them bumped into them. This sent the kid flying into the air, he landed on another close by table with his face planted right into a big bowl of mashed potatoes. He licked some of it off his face and said, “Yum!” When the manager approached from his office into the tiny dining area, she yelled, “Chuck!” He tried to hide behind the kid’s parents giant red sofa like seats, but the manager had already spotted him. Her eyes bulged every time something extraordinary or Chuck related happened, this time her eyes seemed to be ready to pop right out of their sockets from the crazy scene she had witnessed from the other side of the family diner. Chuck followed right behind her like a little pup that had been denied to play with its chew toy, or bone. The manager said, “Oh, Chuck. What happened out there today?” Chuck took a deep breath and replied, “I like kids, okay. But some just need to learn how to give other adults, who are not their parents, respect.” The manager shook her head, “Chuck- it’s not only the kids you end up getting into problems with— even some of our regular customers~ you try to challenge their patience!” Chuck nodded his head, “Alright. I’ll try to be a better server from now on.” The manager shook her head, “Oh no. I’m done, please pack up your stuff, and leave this vicinity.”
Chuck walked to the parking area. Someone there called out to him. He did not recognize them. “It’s been a while there, Chuck. How’ve you been, dude? Wanna hang out later tonight and catch a soccer match?” Chuck replied, “Nah. Thanks. But I’ll have to find another job.” His buddy patted Chuck on the back. “Don’t worry. You can join our merry band of misfits!”
Later Chuck met with the merry band of misfits. One wore a clown mask, another had a hook for a hand, and their fearless leader, George, slowly clapped his hands.
George: “Everyone— meet Chuck-”
Chuck: (waves his left hand) “Hey~ thanks for having me join the crew.”
The clown masked fella smiled and asked Chuck, “Would you like some gum?”
Chuck said, “Of course. Thanks!”
He reached out his hand, and unwrapped the gum from the paper. Chuck placed the gum in his mouth, and chewed, chewed, chewed, then chewed some more. The more he chewed the tougher the gum became. He felt his jaws tighten from pain. How long was he going to have to chew the gum before it at least became less tough?
The clown snickered. Chuck wanted to ask, “What’s so funny?” But he couldn’t, the gum was like a dollop of glue in his mouth. He tried to slowly open his jaws, and worked on carefully blowing a bubble. The gum extended out of his mouth in a giant circle, & then it burst with a loud pop sound. Parts of the gum were all over his face. Chuck chuckled.
Then he charged toward his new friend. Chuck’s chair soared backward landing right back onto its four feet. Soon, he and his new buddy were caught in a wrestling match on the concrete floor.
George pulled at the clown’s ears, “Enough!” Then adjusted his custom fit suit, “You’ll have a chance to play later, boys. First, let’s get to work on what we’ll do for our next job.”
The other member of the merry band of misfits pulled Chuck using his hook, and dragged him back to his seat.
Chuck felt beads of sweat collect right around his armpits. Why did he decide to wear a long sleeved t-shirt to this meeting?
George pulled spread out a map on the floor with job ideas. He pointed to a new community that had been developed in the area. “This is where we need to place all our eyes on. Focus on finding a way to work together to grab the treasures in those homes.”
Chuck scratched his head, “What kind of business, or job do you have in mind?”
George handed Chuck a costume. “We make birthdays a lot of fun, not only for kids, even pets, too!”
Chuck laughed. “You must be kidding. Tell me you are pulling my leg…and you want me to wear that..,” he said, and pointed at the sparkly costume with one giant horn attached to the center of the forehead. “I’d rather be caught working as a security guard than wear that!”
George smiled, “You better be there. The first event we will be hosting is at Priscilla’s. Her father works with the Mayor, so, we need to make sure we make Daddy’s little girl very happy. Capeesh?”
Chuck gave a slight nod. George placed the costume over his buddy’s right shoulder.
Bright and early the following day, Chuck tugged at his costume. He felt like he was going to cry. “Maybe I just need to move to Puerto Rico, settle down there in a community full of love, and later start a family.” His daydream was interrupted by the sound of a horn.
The guys had come to pick him up. “Get in the back of the truck.” George directed Chuck, and waited.
Chuck hopped in the back, and almost fainted. The animal greeted him with a snort. Chuck collapsed into the corner of the speeding vehicle. Whose pet was this? He jumped at the sight of the clown masked fella who was now holding the pig.
They arrived at Priscilla’s home. Chuck whistled. It was quite a grand mansion with rows and rows of rose bushes. They were greeted at the door by the butler, who stared at the men, and tried not to jeer.
Priscilla’s Dad was at work, as they had expected. It was the lady of the house who came to meet her guests. She wore a black pearl necklace, and high heeled pumps. Her hips swayed in the bold yellow dress she wore. Chuck had never before in his life seen such a royal and elegantly dressed person. He didn’t know what to say, or do.
She even had a warm smile that made her guests forget why they had come to her home in the first place. “Gentlemen. This way to the swimming pool area. Thank you.”
They followed her, and smiled. Then they were brought back to their work mode, thanks to the sight of the mountain of gifts they had seen placed around the living, as well as dining room, too.
Chuck rubbed his hands together. They just needed to make sure to not to harm anyone while they grabbed some gifts, and a few other treasures from Priscilla’s welcoming home/party.
George went to the kitchen, and came back out with a bottle of the finest drink, which he poured for all the older guests. For the kids, he handed them sweets. The only one who refused was Priscilla. “Daddy told me not to accept anything from someone I don’t know. You guys aren’t even entertaining the guests with any magic tricks, or the kids.”
Chuck stepped next to George and squatted down to look at the little girl, “Just take the candy, okay.” He begged her again, but she still said, “No way, Mister!”
She ran back into the house, and locked the door. The guys had managed to get the rest of the party relaxed, and dreaming. They only had one small problem to deal with: Priscilla.
George placed his hand on the door, and felt a wave of electricity buzz through the knob. His hair went from the nicely flat gelled look to a spiky porcupine appearance. “That little girl’s toast!”
Chuck tried to break the glass part of the door, but ended up banging his head, and he thought he could see stars floating around his forehead. On the other side of the room, the pig stared at all of the guys.
Meanwhile, the clown masked fella had jumped in the pool. He was enjoying the beautiful day, and had even served himself one of the sandwiches near the table by the pool.
Priscilla quickly dialed the line her father had told her to use in case of an emergency. The phone rang, and a voice said, “Priscilla— what’s the matter, dear?”
Soon the front door was burst down in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. They charged inside, and called, “Priscilla…we are here..where are you?”
Daddy’s little girl stepped out from behind the hidden door by the side of the library. “What took you so long?”
They smiled, and both replied, “Where are the troublemakers?”
Priscilla led them to the back. She pointed in the direction of the merry band of misfits.
They were all still trying to find a way back into the house. George panicked at the sight of the A-team.
He quickly informed the guys, “It’s time to skedaddle, fellas! Time waits for no man…run..”
Chuck wondered why George started climbing over the brick wall. The rest followed suit.
The door opened and out came the pig. Chuck now started to run for the hills, too.
Priscilla burst out laughing. She grinned, and continued to chuckle, “Thanks a lot, fellas. At least those guys will think twice before coming back to steal from my home.”
They took off their costumes, as well as faces. “Any time, Priscilla. Don’t forget to send the bill to your father. We will help you clean up and wake everybody up.”
Priscilla chuckled once more, “Will do. You guys shall also receive a Christmas bonus to go along with the payment for today’s work.”
Simple. Easy. Dead.
1. Close your eyes.
When you close your eyes, wish your circumstances to change, life suddenly gets a whole lot better. Just make sure you open your eyes before you do anything else. And when you open your eyes, your fears are unfortunate still there. But the relief was nice, right?
2. Shout “NO!”
Screaming is therapeutic. It releases all the fear and tension in your body. It also gives your mind a wake-up call to face whatever you’re facing. As a bonus, it might scare the living daylights out of your fears—if your fears are capable of being scared. Sorry, heights aren‘t often seen booking it down the road from fright. And hey! If you say no, the serial killer just might listen, drop his gun, apologize, and walk away to get a coffee for you.
3. When all else fails, just run.
It’s called the “fight or flight” response. When fighting your fear fails, flight won’t! Just keep running, and running, and running, and running, maybe stop to chat with a friend if you need extra encouragement, and don’t stop running. Ever. When you collapse from exhaustion, you won’t be conscious to fear! Problem solved!
Just please don’t try all three at once, or you might find yourself faced with your greatest fear of all: being locked in a mental institution with psychopaths who could be nightmarish serial killers.
And don’t ask me why I picked that title. I wouldn’t know.
My dog General Sherman is not enjoying the ”Polar-Vortex Bomb Cyclone” (or what we used to call a snowstorm, back in the old days) that has recently occurred. Being a southern dog both by birth and by nature, The General finds little pleasure in ice-matted paws and is quick to point out that the only good ice in this world is currently tempering his hard cider.
When our preferred weather person told us about the -52 degrees Bozeman, Montana was currently suffering, The General looked stupefied. “What,” he asked, “does a dog in Bozeman do if it has to go outside?”
I gave him the only conceivable answer. “It hurries.”
A disbelieving General Sherman looked his disgust. “Well then, it is explained. Only a stupid dog could live north of the Mason-Dixon Line, as there is not adequate time for reading up there!”
With that settled The General lit his Cuban, picked up our recently arrived copy of “Hounds and Heels” magazine, and retreated away to his favorite natural area for some quiet time.
That’s a good dog.