Perusing that abyss known as Gmail, I find myself deleting a lot of digital flotsam and jetsam that is about as useful to me as a condom dispenser in a convent. Still, I have to admit, some of these garbage emails make me think. For example:

There is an amazing number of products out there for those who suffer from erectile disfunction. The pills, lotions, drinks, and even gummies (keep out of reach of children) that're advertised are guaranteed to hoist even the limpest of meat main sails. Personally, I don't suffer from the condition, but that's nothing to brag about because a light switch that can stay flipped up for 2 minutes is no big deal. "Delete"

Apparently, there are hundreds of single Asian, Russian, and women over the age of 40 who're eager to date me. Let me be clear on two things. First, I'm happily married. Second, any woman who's eager to date me is probably clinically insane and a possessor and practiced user of the Lorena Bobbitt cutlery set. So, no thank you. "Delete"

An urgent correspondence from a politician is being sent to me because the members of the opposing party are out to ruin America. Of course, said politician wants my help in the form of a donation and my vote to aid them in their quest to save America. Personally, I think all politicians be they donkey or elephant are responsible for the massive lube-free cluster fuck that has become our country. So, expecting a politician to fix our nation's issues is like asking a clan of hyenas to save a wounded gazelle. "Delete"

For a limited time, the Danbury Mint is proudly offering hand-painted collector plates that commemorate Elvis' slow transformation from svelte child sexual predator to the fat. white jumpsuit wearing, mutton chopped, Vegas performing hack he died as for just 3 easy payments of $19.99 per plate. Each month, I will receive a new beautifully painted porcelain plate along with a certificate of authenticity that visually chronicles the physical transformation caused by Elvis' steady diet of Quaaludes and fried peanut butter and nanna samiches. These magnificently created plates will surely increase in value and are so realistic Elvis' cellulite and that famous double chin will slowly appear beneath his greasy mutton-chopped gob with each new addition to my collection. But this offer won't last forever and if I act now I will also receive a replica of the check Elvis signed that bribed his bride, Priscilla's parents into not having him arrested for having an illegal sexual relationship with their 14 year old daughter. "Delete"

I am missing out on securing a mortgage in my area of California at the current 5.2% interest rate. With just such a mortgage, I could finance a desirable1-room shack located near running water on enough land to dig a his and her outhouse for the low-low asking price of $500,000. "Delete"

Amazon is hiring delivery drivers. The pay starts at $20/hour and you will receive medical and dental on the first day while receiving training in how to heave packages marked, "Fragile" like an Olympic shot putter more that 15 yards to land somewhere near the (hopefully correct) customer's front door. "Delete."

Of course, this is just a small sample of the useless drivel that lands in my email. However, I can't complain too much, because after all, a lot of what I write that ends up on the internet probably also deserves a...."Delete"

Great

Savings and a new way to

Have a phone to sell?

Quick Sale, Gee

New phone huh?

who's this?

It's savings.

Save on your next upgrade and

Do not miss it,

Life Helen

Life Helen

HelenHelen

You've been patient, now pick

items you want,

for a great friendly reminder that

your saved.

Last Days savings

Last Chance

It's about time you make good.

It's about time you make

Great

and Don't wait

these offers won't

Don't wait

these offers won't last...

Hand-Picked

THE BEST.

see what's new

Or fall

your dose of goodness Not in you.

let's

Hand-Pick

THE BEST

Not good to do

When your dose of local goodness is Not in...

Not in you.

they are coming:

Escape

Woods...

what to do

your dose of local goodness

No

can't miss

exclusive

can't miss

elusive

Hand-Picked BEST

But

your dose of local goodness

Is Not in...

Great

plus for the need

Everything you need

for you to escape

to win

a trip

to win

A trip to escape

Helen

Last Chance.

|To create this I did a screenshot of my junk folder and opened it in Google translate and selected all copied and pasted it to my notepad. Then went to work deleting words and spaces until this was left. All original order retained and I added the word "But". That's it! Love this challenge, thanks!|

You thought this was your school email? Silly you! It's a device for TurnoutPAC to reach you through. What they're so happy about, no one really knows. They talk politics from a progressive angle, and, in the five months they've been emailing you non-stop, there's been no good news. So enjoy deleting more reminders of the political state of things. You can try to unsubscribe, but they'll continue to email you about random political rambling.

Trash compiled.Hoarders without borders.Theres a fine line between wants and needs.Please tell me.Do I need to be told what i want or what I need?I need a fix.A fix?What’s broken?The line that separates my wants and needs.I recently deleted my EMAILS and it put ASMILE on my cafe,I mean face.Actually that’s usually when I delete when I’m over caffeinated?.You see I’m not a morning person,I cannot handle too much info at once.Then I have my coffee and my brain dry freezes then it infuses and now I can think.

I need to be stimulated to think.

Some people can wake up to silence.

I can’t ,I need a distraction,six or eight hours is enough!

I’m a morning person,when I control the sights and sounds.

An alarming morning Can be a beep and a blink or no messages.

I know it’s just a phone!

I never realized how much my head goes in a spin when I lose my phone!

True story.

Earlier this year,in the morning.Surprise surprise.

I was looking for my phone.

My neighbor calls me.I tell him I can’t talk to you right now,I’m looking for my phone!

He says,well call me when you find it.

I guess my neighbour isn’t a morning person as well.

I‘m here sitting in my chair waiting for my coffee in incomplete darkness and silence.

I turn of my phone to give my eyes a rest.

Shit! I think the lights are gone!

I turn the flashlight on my phone to find my phone.

Wheres that beeping sound coming from?!Aah the smell Of early early morning coffee.

on days when I think

the cupboard bare...

and find dirth of

staples there

not a grain

of rice

nor

a shred

of tea

I remember

my friend's

dearth advice

to always

look twice

And I wonder

to check deeper

into the cabinet

all the way in back

behind the pickled

herring can...

which lost

its tab

Groping in that

dust filled empty

I have to crackle

as I recall my

friend Spam

and the misplaced

bottle opener

She sends me

in email a joke

each day

and a recipe

from a website

called Holy Food...

I've won a prize too!

I find this all

in the folder

named in her

honor...

Thank you Spam.

04.02.2025

One man's trash challenge @Mariah

From: Clifton Bellamy

To: M.Montrose@gmail.com

Subject: Regarding my employment.

Dear Mr. Montrose,

I hope this email finds you well. I am reaching out as additional information has been made available since we last spoke Wednesday morning. In light of these new developments, I would like to rescind my resignation. I understand that giving you an hour’s notice of my intent to leave the company was an ill-advised decision. I apologize in advance for the inconveniences my hasty departure may have caused and promise you that, given the opportunity to return, I will rectify any issues which arose after I left.

Upon getting home, I discussed the personal email I received on the previous evening of 4/1 with my parents (who, when they found out I was no longer working, demanded I make things right with you). Much to my dismay, they were emphatic that our ancestral tree has no branches of Nigerian royalty growing from its trunk.

So, the “$25,000,000 American Dollars owed to you from Prince Abache Tunde’s will that is held in trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association cannot be released until the $3,000 American Dollars processing fee is paid in full,” was, after all, an elaborate ruse.

Although difficult to accept at first, in hindsight, this makes sense. It certainly explains why Prince Abache, or any of his descendants, never attended our family reunions and why none of my relatives ever acknowledged his absence. I figured it was because we are humble people, and nobody wanted to flaunt our connection to nobility.

Our last meeting contained some colorful language, mostly on my part. I hope you didn’t misconstrue my zany sense of humor as veiled insults. This was just me trying to lighten the mood to make my exit less stressful. I don’t want you to think I took advantage of your Open-Door policy for airing concerns or grievances. I should have been more professional given all that you and the company have done for me.

Now that we’ve had some time to process everything, I would like to consider our encounter as water under the bridge so we can learn from it while forging ahead by building upon that discussion. I realize I should have used more due diligence before resigning from my position at your company. I look forward to learning from this experience with the goal of becoming a better person and ultimately a better employee.

Anticipating my opportunity to rejoin the team.

Sincerely,

Clifton

From: Milton Montrose

To: ClifBe_da_man@yahoo.com

Subject: Regarding your employment.

Dear Clifton,

Your email does in fact find me well. Interestingly enough, as of Wednesday afternoon, things started going much smoother at work.

First, I must applaud the incorporation of whichever AI program you utilized to aid in writing your email. Such a succinct and descriptive use of the English language. From listening to you talk, I didn’t know you were able to express any thoughts without repeatedly interjecting words like, “yo,” “um,” “it’s lit,” and of course, “slay.” This definitely shows initiative for a twenty-something-year-old and hints at maturity.

Second, regarding our conversation. If by “zany sense of humor” you are referencing the comment you made concerning my leadership skills, rest assured, I wasn’t insulted. To be honest, not only did I think “Bozo could learn a thing or two from you about being a clown” was such a witty retort that I’m considering having my wife cross stitch it on a throw pillow, but I was also amazed a person your age even knew who Bozo the Clown was to begin with. Impressive.

Third, my Open-Door policy remains in effect for all current employees, despite a previous airing of concerns and grievances revolving around the phrase, “Ha, suck it, Monty.”

Fourth, you are more than welcome to come back and work for us when, as you so eloquently stated, “Hell freezes over.” I will keep your resume on file.

And lastly, speaking of bridges, feel free to contact me if you need the name of a reputable general contractor who can help you repair the one you just burned.

Cordially,

M. Montrose

He was destitute, without hope, and a loser at life. He drove off the only woman who had ever taken an interest in him. But he still knew the world existed, with or without him. because there were those who were trying to contact him. But everything landed in his email's junk folder.

Yet, maybe...just maybe someone cared. Maybe someone was reaching out to him.

But probably not, he sighed. He was still bitter about that Nigerian prince who had what was left of his saving. He would miss his mortgage payment. And what he had learned from over half a million dollars in student debt was that it didn't matter whether he was here or not.

Not.

He contemplated it. Everything pointed to his ending it all. He was at the breaking point. If he were to suffer just one more reason to leave this Earth, be given just one more indication he should do it now, he wouldn't be able to resist. He'd hit critical mass in suicidal ideation. What would be that last thing? he wondered.

He opened his email's trash bin, and the very first one he saw, the most recent one—as if it were a direct response to his question—he read:

Complimentary cremation discount offer.

Of course, it was meant to be marketing an estate-planning strategy. But it made even more sense for him to—as the offer read—take advantage of this smart opportunity because, even better, there was no interest nor any payment due for 12 months.

It was a time-sensitive offer, he realized.