Volcano

Don't show weakness. Don't show pain. Hold it in.

FREAK-THE-FUCK-OUT-EXPLODE

You can do this. Take it all in stride. You're ok. You're fine. You've got this.

OMG-I'M-A-FUCKING-MESS

That's my pattern. I'm ok, until I'm not... And then at that point, I'm good at faking it, until I'm not... and then everything explodes. And it's ugly and messy. I go from zero to HOLY-FUCK-I'M-LOSING-IT in an instant. "Someone" recently called it an exploding volcano. Yup.

i don't like that I am like this, but in the past, I wasn't allowed to show weakness or break. There was no time for that. I had to be in charge and I learned to stuff everything down, grin and bare it. It was necessary, but obviously unhealthy.

Learning to open up and share this part of me, has been extremely challenging and one that must be painful to witness. I try to reassure that I'm fine and that I'm handling everything... But then I explode. With the explosion comes a multitude of emotions...

Shame.
Embarrassment.
Guilt.
Fear.

Who wouldn't feel those emotions after behaving like a perfectly self-respecting adult and then breaking down into an exploding ball of emotions?

I don't know how to change after so many years of living one way. I am encouraged to be honest and my emotional state is never used against me. I know this... But old habits die hard, and for the past 15 years my emotions were rarely the concern of others. But that's not the case now, and tqhere are pieces built into my dynamics so that I share my emotional state regularly.

I know that when I now try to play down my emotional state, it does more damage than good. I imagine it appears like I don't trust, or in trying to prepared or that I'm trying to hide for reasons that are not honourable. But it's none of those. I'm simply bad at it. Horrible. And I often don't even realize I was holding back until I explode.

I think I am getting better. I'm think I'm better able to observe my emotions and relay them honestly without worry of how it can affect the other person. But I have a long way to go. The shame I feel after an outburst is all encompassing and it motivates me to do better...

Hopefully I get to the point where the outburst can be prevented because I was able to relay my emotions accurately leading up or at least the outburst will be predictable because there were indicators leading up. And when they had that information, they can potentially guide or advise or at least have a head's up.

But that day wasn't yesterday...

It will take more than a year to undo what has been done but I'm self aware and not afraid of hard work. Someday I hope to be better. Someday I will be.