Someday, I hope you see how gentle your heart is. When others are choosing the easy way to fit in by being cruel and immature, you let your morals guide you. You are never swayed. Ever.

Throughout my life, I've always considered myself a rooter of the underdog and I had hoped that I could impart this piece of me onto my children. What I didn't expect, was to be student to my eleven year old son in these matters. Your compassion and your desire to be light when all that surrounds is darkness, is inspirational.

You will teach many in this life, I'm grateful to have been your first student. I only hope to one day be half as generous a soul as you, my beloved son.

I know you haven't yet accepted that this is who you are. It hurts my heart that you look at those you stand beside, and feel you don't belong. Truthfully, it would break the heart of any parent. I know you don't believe it yet, or see it, but for the first time in almost a decade, I see you with people who are built like you. They think like you, the smile like you, they are complex like you, and they get confused like you. But the most important is that they have your heart. They have that love and care that you do, that only people like you do. They don't want to see people hurt and suffer. They want to do right, always.

I see how they look at you. How they admire the way you carry yourself and how much you CAN do. For the first time son, you get to stand tall and be honoured for how amazing you are. You are finally among those that see it.

It will take some time son, but you will see it too... and your heart will open and it hold each of them close once you do.

I’m totally cool with men, until I’m not. I’m calm, I’m cool, I’m casual, and then hot damn... I’m a fucking mess.

Develop a little feels... grow a little like... and then one small emotional bump and I am not quite sure what I will say. To call it “unravel” is really quite polite. Emotions? I don’t suffer from those. Nope. Not me. None to be found here.

Watched myself try to destroy something recently. It’s a painful to watch yourself internally combust and then patiently wait for the fall out... because you’re a good girl and know that to say anything more, is to dig the hole deeper. Fuuuuuuuck!!!

Is that the true test? How they will respond when you let your human out? The unabashed, unfiltered, real you? Or is that just my natural tendacy to try to destroy (sabotage?) what I know is good and working for me... and hopefully him?

Good news, he held on, as did I. Phew. Bad news, he’s seen a piece of that needy/vulnerable piece that I hate about me. Human? Who me? Pfft! Don’t be so silly.

Time to carry on. That’s enough reality for one day. Anyone else enjoying a ceaser tonight?

Cheers!

Can someone please just pet my head and tell me I’m pretty?

Humility, respected in others.

But I... I know best.

Oh no, not me. I’m no one’s fool.

Independent thinker, led only by the noose.

Lessons repeated. No time to learn. Fingers wag, but that mirror?

Self awareness? No.

Self inflated. Self ignorance.

Self pity.

So... so... comfortable.

Blindness, my old confidante. The only one that will listen.

Fingers deep in ears.

Numbing and dumbing.

I make peace with him and him and him.

Claws dug in to claim mine...

But doesn’t that hurt? Don’t you learn you are the only one that wears scars? Your back dotted by those of your past.

You’re wedding. Or funeral. Or birth?

New chapter starts in:

3

2

1

See you soon, when you trip again.

Pauvre filles.

Ten perfect tiny fingers and ten perfect tiny toes.

Wrapped tightly around my heart.

Holding it in place, when all it wants is to fall out.

I will be there for you, my love, my treasure, my joy.

But please don't let go. Ever.

I need you. I need your warmth, your love and your laughter.

Hold tighter. Squeeze harder. More.

Do you feel how it beats? How hard it works? How hard it loves? How hard it aches?

All because of you.

Angels on earth. Angels without wings... and all the other titles you wear.

My first true love. My one and only. Let me cry so that you may wear that beautiful smile.

That perfect, beautiful smile. Always.

So don't loosen your grip, don't let me be without. Because it's you that holds me together, when I shut the world out.

Don't show weakness. Don't show pain. Hold it in.

FREAK-THE-FUCK-OUT-EXPLODE

You can do this. Take it all in stride. You're ok. You're fine. You've got this.

OMG-I'M-A-FUCKING-MESS

That's my pattern. I'm ok, until I'm not... And then at that point, I'm good at faking it, until I'm not... and then everything explodes. And it's ugly and messy. I go from zero to HOLY-FUCK-I'M-LOSING-IT in an instant. "Someone" recently called it an exploding volcano. Yup.

i don't like that I am like this, but in the past, I wasn't allowed to show weakness or break. There was no time for that. I had to be in charge and I learned to stuff everything down, grin and bare it. It was necessary, but obviously unhealthy.

Learning to open up and share this part of me, has been extremely challenging and one that must be painful to witness. I try to reassure that I'm fine and that I'm handling everything... But then I explode. With the explosion comes a multitude of emotions...

Shame.
Embarrassment.
Guilt.
Fear.

Who wouldn't feel those emotions after behaving like a perfectly self-respecting adult and then breaking down into an exploding ball of emotions?

I don't know how to change after so many years of living one way. I am encouraged to be honest and my emotional state is never used against me. I know this... But old habits die hard, and for the past 15 years my emotions were rarely the concern of others. But that's not the case now, and tqhere are pieces built into my dynamics so that I share my emotional state regularly.

I know that when I now try to play down my emotional state, it does more damage than good. I imagine it appears like I don't trust, or in trying to prepared or that I'm trying to hide for reasons that are not honourable. But it's none of those. I'm simply bad at it. Horrible. And I often don't even realize I was holding back until I explode.

I think I am getting better. I'm think I'm better able to observe my emotions and relay them honestly without worry of how it can affect the other person. But I have a long way to go. The shame I feel after an outburst is all encompassing and it motivates me to do better...

Hopefully I get to the point where the outburst can be prevented because I was able to relay my emotions accurately leading up or at least the outburst will be predictable because there were indicators leading up. And when they had that information, they can potentially guide or advise or at least have a head's up.

But that day wasn't yesterday...

It will take more than a year to undo what has been done but I'm self aware and not afraid of hard work. Someday I hope to be better. Someday I will be.

You lied.  

You told me you weren't made like others. You told me you needed your walls. That it kept you safe. That it was best for everyone. I liked that.

But it was a lie. Did you not know that you could let people in? Or was it a lie that you felt safe telling yourself?

Did you not understand that sometimes, despite our pasts, we can't predict our path. We can't always protect our hearts. We can't always shield others from our pain.

Were you that jaded that it blinded you from seeing what was happening? 


That not only can you let someone in, that you did. I know you put your back against the wall and assured yourself that no one could get in...

But somehow, I slipped in.  

But why did you allow me? I didn't ask to. Why did you do it? Why did you do this to me?  

Because I don't think the problem isn't that you won't let people in. The problem is that once in, they can't get out.

And now you're hurting the one you love... You should never have allowed. I liked your walls. They made me feel safe... But now I feel trapped inside and I just don't know.

I see you.

I don't see all your pieces.  

I don't need to. I know your character and your heart.  

No, I won't try to save you. Nor rescue. Nor peek inside.

But see this place right here? Where you are at?

That's where I'll meet you.

By your feet. Kneeling. Waiting. Allowing myself to take root.

Because someday, your hand will reach out... searching... And I will be there.  

Welcoming my reward.

I will never ask. My language is silence. 

Observing only with my eyes and heart.

My body willing and available. Aching to be useful, but knowing that the time is not now.

So please don't deny me my place.  

Because while I was waiting here, at your feet, your roots grew too.

And I don't know how to undo what has been done. I don't know how to separate myself from you. 

So please don't ask me to walk. Just let me rest here, for awhile longer.

For it is where I belong and all I ever remember knowing.

Last night I received some upsetting and disappointing news. News of this sort would upset anyone, but due to my type A, routine oriented nature, any deviation from a plan causes me an elevated amount of distress. I became dramatic and wondered how I would ever work through the pain.

Because I had been crying my eyes were a bit red and swollen, not a lot, but enough that someone close to me would know something was up. That “someone” were my children.

I try not to burden my children with adult worries, but I also feel it’s important to teach them how to deal with emotions. We are not stoic robots, we are humans with feelings and sometimes, the feelings we are experiencing are not pleasant. I used their question as an opportunity to teach them about processing disappointment. I explained that it’s ok to be sad and express it, and that there is no shame in that. But it’s important to keep moving forward. Don’t dwell… take the opportunity to come up with ways to try and avoid repeating the same thing.

My youngest immediately walked over and hugged me. He said he was sorry that this had happened to me and he was sad for me. My oldest did the same. We shared a three way hug and then I thanked them.

As I was laying in bed, I reflected on the moment and how proud I was of them. How they can appreciate someone else’s pain and display empathy.

Today is the last day of their school year. I woke them as I always do and whispered in their ear “Happy Last day being in Grade X”. When I did this to my oldest son, his face broke into a smile and without his eyes opening let out a, "Yay!”. I started to walk out of his bedroom and he called me back. “Mom, can I have a hug.”

“Of course.”

As we sat hugging, I asked what the hug was for.

“For you Mom. I’m sorry about your news”.

I squeezed him tighter and started to cry.

See, my oldest son has disabilities. Lifelong, life effecting disabilities that will not allow him to live a life like most of you reading this. He was born into this world disadvantaged and has never known the easy life. He struggles every day, in many ways.

Every day, my son lives with disappointment in a great sense. Every day, he has cause to be upset. Yet, he simply gets on with it. He sometimes has moments, but for the most part, he picks himself up and just gets on with life… with living. On the last day of his school year, he woke and his first thought was about his Mom’s hurt…

My little man has taught me so much about resilience, kindness and adaptability. He is the definition of strength and perseverance and today, he taught me about empathy in a way that I will never forget.