and you’ll be okay

In this new dream we are sitting together in a circular room

and Mom is looking at me from that yellow wooden chair

and she is not talking but she is telling me 

she is telling me maybe if i try harder in school 

then i'll be okay

and i am silent but i am telling her i'm trying 

and i'm trying very hard but i cry anyways and she doesn't get up

and she doesn't hold me because i'm not a little girl

and sometimes you just have to cry and no one can hold you

and you'll be okay

soon mom gets up and leaves and i am alone and the room expands

i am pacing across the floor until my feet make burrows

i am pacing and i am saying i'm sorry to this empty mocking space

because it feels like the right thing to do 

but the room is as big as a sanctuary now and i feel small i can't breathe

and please can't someone come here and tell me it'll be okay

but the walls are mirrors and i am telling myself that instead

i am telling myself that love is a real thing

& that i can live here by myself

& that i can thrive

& that i'll be okay

okay