Harry Situation’s Countdown Reviews: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

STAR WARS

EPISODE II

ATTACK OF THE CLONES

I don’t like sand. It’s rough and coarse, and it gets everywhere.

How do you honestly defend a terrible line like that?

Alright, time to tackle the next entry in the Star Wars Saga, Attack of the Clones.

Oh boy..

This one takes place ten years after the The Phantom Menace, and Queen Amidala (played by Natalie Portman again) has been upgraded from queen to senator, which really begs the question how the hell did she get elected queen in the first place. However she seems to be the target of some assassination attempts and the Jedi Council assign Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi (played again by Ewan McGregor) and his Jedi Padawan Anakin Skywalker (played by Hayden Christensen). During this Anakin and Padme “fall in love” with each other, and there’s something to do with cloned soldiers, and then there’s a battle towards the end, and then we get the legendary Clone Wars that was first mentioned in A New Hope. That’s pretty much the story...

As I’ve stated before I don’t hate the Prequels, but defending this one isn’t going to be a park walk. If fact, if I had to choose which was my least favorite of the whole series, it would have to be Attack of the Clones. And I think many hardcore fans can agree that while they thought The Phantom Menace was bad, Attack of the Clones was worse.

Like in the first Prequel I’m gonna try to talk about the good, but I’m also going to point out the bad, starting with “the romance”. And just a disclaimer (like in the reviews before) I will be talking spoilers, so if you haven’t seen it, SPOILER warning is in effect.

So the romance. Oh my balls, this is some of the most corniest, most badly written, worst romance I’ve ever seen in any movie. Not as bad as Twilight mind you, but pretty goddamn bad. There is absolutely no chemistry between Anakin and Padme. You never get the sense that these two are actually in love with each other, and you never get the seen that these two were meant to be the parents of Luke and Leia. You get a better sense of that in The Clone Wars animated series, but not in here.

And that’s another thing I want to bring up, the writing. This film suffers from some of the worst writing ever. This is what happens when you have one guy doing all of the directing, producing, and writing with a team of yes men. Because you get stupid dialogue like, “I love you. I truly, deeply love you.” Or “I don’t like sand...” You also get dumbass decision-making like Anakin just randomly jumping out of a speeder, or the Jedi Council allowing Anakin stay with Padme even though they know he’s got the hots for her, or Jar Jar Binks granting emergency power to Chancellor Palpatine, thus securing his success of building the Galactic Empire.

And because the writing is so bad the story itself also suffers. Like how come it is only now that the Jedi are finding out about the Clone Army? Speaking of which, the title is kind of a lie. The clones attack once in this movie, and its at the end.

Now let’s talk about the acting in this one. To be fair there are some decent performances like Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan, Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu, Frank Oz voicing Yoda, and Ian McDiarmid as Palpatine. And we’re also treated by another great performance by the late Christopher Lee as the villainous Count Dooku, even though he showed up in the last act. Unfortunately we have to see Natalie Portman try to act in this one, which by the way I do like Natalie Portman but her acting in these films is a little hard to watch.

But the absolute worst of the bunch is Hayden Christensen as Anakin. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, but I will address it again here. He is awful. He comes off as too whiny, too arrogant, too wooden, you get the idea. How can this be Darth Vader?

But come on it can’t be all bad right? What about the special effects? Yeah they look nice, but there lies the problem. This whole movie is a giant special effect. Remember how I mentioned in the last review that at least 85% of the film was a blue/green screen effect. In this one they dialed it up to 95%. Nothing looked all real. Again yeah it looks nice, hell, even Yoda looks cool in this one, but you can see the man behind the curtain.

I would mention about John Williams score, but I think only half the tracks are worthwhile. I despise the Love theme in this movie as much as I despise the actual romance. At least Williams tried.

But again the film isn’t all bad, I mean there is some fun to be had with it. For example the speeder chase sequence in the beginning was cool, Obi-Wan fighting the bounty hunter Jango Fett was cool, and probably the best part of the whole movie was during the Battle of Geonosis seeing all those Jedi Knights fight against legions of battle droids.

And we are treated to the start of the epic Clone Wars, which helped add new storylines and new heroes and villains like Ahsoka Tano and Asajj Ventress. We even got to explore more of this in The Clone Wars animated series, which I’m thinking of writing a full review between now and the release of The Last Jedi because I’ve mentioned it so many times.

Overall Attack of the Clones was honestly the weakest entry in the Star Wars Saga, something many fans can agree on. Again I don’t hate it but it’s a hard one to defend.

Light Side:

-Some Good CGI

-A few decent performances

-Some fun action

-Intro to Clone Wars

Dark Side:

-The acting

-The romance

-The writing

-Too much CGI

Final Grade: C-

And there’s my review of Attack of the Clones. Come join me next time as complete the Prequel trilogy with Revenge of the Sith. So what were your thoughts of Attack of the Clones? Like it? Hate it? Please be kind, leave a like and comment, and check back for more reviews here on Prose!

5 Best Quotes:

Yoda: “Begun, the Clone Wars has.”

Count Dooku: “It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force, but our skills with a lightsaber.”

Jango Fett: “Always a pleasure to meet a Jedi.”

Mace Windu: “This party’s over.”

Drug Dealer: “You wanna buy some death sticks?”

Obi-Wan Kenobi: “You don’t want to sell me death sticks.”

Drug Dealer: “I don’t want to sell you death sticks.”

Obi-Wan Kenobi: “You want to go home and rethink your life.”

Drug Dealer: “I want to go home and rethink my life.”

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