Emma

In the beginning, I treated you like a challenge.

Now, it's a challenge to find something about me you don't already know.

You're the only person I can laugh and cry to at the same time.

Sleeping on your shoulder as you watch the sunrise is a feeling of safety I’d never had before, like I truly believed that if that bus had rolled over, you'd worry about me first.

Freshman year walks home, hot air, sweat on my forehead,

yelling about things when I was too tired to speak,

forcing anger down when I was more angst than water,

70% sure I was going to kill myself, 100% sure I couldn't do that to you.

Knew I could never mean as much to you as Grace or Austin,

but being ok with that because I just wanted you to be happy.

First really big mistake I made,

longest shortest six months,

hopeful, reckless little love,

remember the first time he told me he loved me,

I could see in your eyes it was supposed to be you.

I was so happy because finally there was something I could give you,

even though it would break me to do it.

I was so afraid of so many things,

it took me 3 more months to let go.

Remember when I broke up with him,

I was so calm you thought I was joking,

then I cried in your closet all afternoon.

The first time I overdosed,

you walked me home,

laughed at me drifting into the street, walking into trashcans,

I decided I was in love with a brick.

I put it in my backpack and tried to take it home.

You made me put it down because I was falling over from the weight of my backpack.

You told me about this grey area,

how you never felt sure about anything.

I said I was way too sure about all the wrong things.

We used to talk about wavelengths.

How I move too fast and you're sedated by a drug that made me worry about you.

That was the first time I realized skinny didn't mean beautiful.

Now when someone else gave me pills and told me they'll make me pretty,

I thought about you and threw them away.

The first time I realized I missed you

was when my digestion got fucked up again,

and I realized it was because you weren't telling me to drink water and eat breakfast.

The first time I realized I missed him

was when I realized so many of our conversations were about you.

People always think we're fighting

when we're having the best talks,

paradoxical anecdotes ring in my ears

every time you say “hey bud”

and you hug me

and I breathe in your shoulder

and I feel safe for the first time all over again.