All We Have to Fear ...
Of course I'm afraid of things jumping out at me in the dark or falling from a large height, but two of my greatest fears are much more intangible.
I have a panic disorder, and what I really fear is the fear itself. One minute I'm fine, and the next something happens - you often don’t what sets it off coming - and the fear rises to a level that I'm paralyzed by it. Literally. I can't move, I can't breathe. Then I become hysterical. If someone is there with me, or if I'm out in public, it's so much worse; unless they know about the disorder, they have no idea why I'm frozen or why I suddenly start yelling at them or crying apparently out of the blue. They think I'm high-strung or rude or just plain unbalanced, when what I'm really seeking to do is to find the balance, the solution, that will let me be myself again. How do I overcome this? Brute force. It's the only way. Each time something happens, I have to will myself 1) not to respond hysterically, and 2) to push past the incident and move forward. Always move forward. It takes a lot of practice (years sometimes), and you have to be very vigilant. If you give in to the fear even one time, it opens the door for many more paralyzing encounters.
The second is losing my hold on who and what I am, beginning down the path to dementia. I NEVER want to be in a position where I don't remember my name or my husband's face, where I can’t craft words, and where everyone else has to watch me wither away until I'm just an empty shell. I am writing up an advanced directive to that end. If I should find myself in that position, I hope that someone will help me make a graceful exit and not prolong any of our agony. All I truly own is myself; I want to have control of that person until the very end.