I Have Faith

I named this, “I Have Faith” because

I just wanted to state that before I said anything else. 

Because of the past few years and because of being in and out of doctors offices, getting new doctors, having surgery, not knowing at all what is going on, being in the hospital, and all sorts of medications, shots, and blood tests; I have known and met a lot of people who have declared me better in the name of Jesus. 

“By the Lord Jesus’ name I rebuke sickness and proclaim healing over your body!!” 

That’s great and all dude. 

And I’m not saying that it isn’t possible. 

I have full faith that if it is God’s will to heal me then He will. 

But it has to be God’s will and not Tom, Richard, or Harry’s. 

What bugs me is that people will say that it is the will of God that I be healed. 

Maybe that’s true. But how dare you tell me or anyone else that YOU proclaim healing over me?

That’s great and all…and I believe that miracles do happen so don’t start in on me being a pessimist. 

I’ve had multiple people from multiple places and churches tell me God is going to heal me. 

Thank you for having faith that He will. 

But do you know how hard it is to be sick or be in pain and people keep telling you that God is gonna heal you right about now? And then I check myself and I’m not healed?

God’s plan might be to heal me. It might not. 

This might be a trial I experience my whole life. 

You really don’t know. 

But when I try to have real talk with christian friends about this, I just get psychoanalyzed and asked if I need to talk to someone. 

I almost always need to talk to someone about something. 

(But I never want to because I’m so busy trying to convince myself that I need to be strong. So if I ever push you away, please know that it isn’t about you. I make a stupid mistake of trying to handle things on my own because I don’t want to burden my friends. Which is dumb…I know…)

I am in pain on a daily basis. My friends are tired of me being in pain. I’m tired of me being in pain. I’m tired of not being able to wholeheartedly answer the, “how are you?” question with, “I’m doing good”. Not even is it in my repertoire to say I’m doing great. I don’t know what that looks like or if I’ll say that again. 

My good friends hardly even ask me how I’m doing anymore. They just look at me with the, “her dog just died” face and go in for a hug. 

Ask me how I am, but be ready for me to evade the question and change the subject. I appreciate you asking even if I don’t always know how to answer. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Anyways, back to the original thing. 

I have faith that God can heal me. But it may not be His will to. 

And I’ve come to grips with that. But you trying to hammer into my head and anyone else’s head that healing is coming…that isn’t love. 

I understand that you have faith and I applaud you for that. 

I have faith too. 

I have faith that even if I’m never healed, even if I’m in pain every day for the rest of my life, even if I get used to the, “her dog died” face, even if I have to deal with people every day telling me that I’m so lucky to suffer and spout bible verses about suffering, even if He does heal me, whatever…. I’m okay with it. 

Please don’t “love” me by shoving your sureness about my healing down my throat. 

If it happens, and if it is in His will, that is absolutely fantastic. 

Just because we proclaim something in His name doesn’t make it His will. 

It’s okay to be unsure about things. 

There is a time for mourning, rejoicing, listening, rebuking, crying, laughing….there is a time for silence. 

One of my very favorite things is when people don't say anything about my pain or illness. They sit with me, acknowledge that it's way too easy to tell people in pain that they haven't tried hard enough or done the right things to not be in pain, and they encourage me to be as strong today as I was yesterday.

My very best friend once sat with me in my living room and we ate chocolate cover dried cranberries in silence and I'm tearing up writing about it.

The most powerful thing anyone can do for me or any chronic illness warrior is to be with us. Life moves so fast and most of the time, I can't keep up.

Just be.

Sincerely Yours,

The Undefeated