Certainty is a drug in this day and age. People expect it of themselves and others, be it in the workplace, homelife, or spiritually and emotionally.

And yet, one of the most popular sayings and bumper stickers I see are, “Not all who wander are lost”.

What?

Certainty makes each sleepless night, all the pain, all the loneliness, all the indescribable emotions worth it because in the straining of life there’s still certainty waiting at the door.

It’s almost as though uncertainty is some sort of phase that we all go through. Most people that I know try to play it off like they don’t deal with uncertainty, which is bull. Life is never sure.

The most confident people struggle with doubt and fear.

It’s become a trend to say that you’re not uncertain, that you have absolute certainty that your dreams, plans, or thought processes will come to fruition. I’m really not sure why, because in my opinion to have that kind of arrogance in life would absolutely lead to my face planting on concrete.

Confidence and arrogance are two very different things, but the line has become fuzzy in recent years. There’s so many political candidates and celebrities blurring the line. Most celebrities, I think, don’t understand how much influence they have and in their lives they have to ride the line between confidence and arrogance with paparazzi.

Arrogance is confidence without kindness, it doesn’t care who it runs over, maims, or disparages as long as the person it inhabits is made to look strong and powerful. Confidence is strong and kind. Confidence doesn’t demand one perspective or path to where it has gotten. But confidence is quickly disappearing from society. It’s dangerous to be authentic. It’s so much easier to loudly bleat your strength, certainty, and unwavering ability to be stronger than doubt, fear, or personal circumstances.

Life is full of uncertainty, and being certain of that is certainly my only certainty.

You don’t have to be certain.

Nobody is certain.

People act certain because it’s too scary to admit that they aren’t.

You don’t have to be like everyone else.

Embrace Uncertainty.

Sincerely Yours,

The

Undefeated

There’s this part in Moana where she is walking toward the lava monster and I froze a frame of all this ash and embers coming off the monster and Moana was determined and unafraid.

More often than not I think I’m the lava monster. I am a hot mess. Things are flying off me, from me, and at the people around me. I deal with high levels of pain on a regular basis. The thing is that I’m really used to it these days and so my bad days, ugh days, don’t talk to me days, good days, and occasional great days are all melded into me now. I don’t have control over how I’m feeling and sometimes not much control over how I’m reacting.

I rock the lava monster look on a regular basis. My hair may as well be on fire for all it’s doing for me, my face includes a hodgepodge of pain and occasional makeup, leggings are glued to my lower half, bralettes hold back the fire from reaching my shoulders, and my hands are almost literal balls of magma.

It’s a hot look.

And in the middle of an all out meltdown, God comes to me and tells me that He knows who I am. I am not my pain. I am not my limitations. I am not my blood work. I am not my fears, doubts, anxieties, weaknesses, or my shame.

This is not who you are. I know who you are.

You are the strength that has overcome, the humor that has laughed when you could have cried, the eyes that have held back the floodwaters, the arms that have clutched your body trying to keep your heart from ripping apart, the slow breath in that promises a slow breath out, and standing your ground against the howling winds and pouring rain of life.

That is who you are.

As much as you have endured and survived, seen and heard, and felt, and as much as you have tried to avoid the pain, you inadvertently ignored your own strength.

You may have grown up thinking you were not a strong person, but after facing the pain, grief, loss, and existential crises that you have, you have to admit how crazy strong you really are.

A weak person would not have come out the other side of all this pain a more compassionate, gracious, kind, loving, valiant warrior.

A weak person didn’t come out the other side. You did. You are one of the undefeated.

I’m really proud of how strong you’ve been

and

how you haven’t lost yourself amidst the pain.

Sincerely yours,

The Undefeated.

So I know this girl.

She’s pretty amazing.

Her whole life has been a series of mountains to climb, valleys to weather, and some peeks at beauty and happiness. And dude…she is a champ about it all. She loves people to an extent that blows my mind.

She will listen to anyone’s heart because she believes so deeply that everyone’s heart deserves to be respected and loved. She just keeps trucking up these mountains and through the valleys and through it all she is looking for the beauties in it all. She uses the idea that she can use the pain she’s experienced in her life to help someone else that she meets along the way.

She wants to know people.

Actually know them.

Not a skin deep, weekly interaction. She wants to love people, not just hop in and out of people’s lives at her own discretion but really become a part of their hearts and them become part of hers.

She has had so many reasons in her life to give up hope, so many reasons to shut down, but she still believes in people. She believes in beauty when she can’t see it.

Some of you may think, “wow, this girl sounds amazing.” Well for those of you who aren’t thinking it, get on that thought track.

She has taught me a lot about loving people and loving them through difficult and complicated times. She never stops loving people. Never.

She is so patient with people. She has been hurt but she never writes people off. She knows the sting of losing someone before she could right a wrong. It is a scar she feels every day and refuses to add more.

You should be thinking at this point that you need to meet this girl. I agree with you.

Fair warning though. She’s a creative. She isn’t afraid to disagree with you, which makes her all the better of a friend. A good friendship isn’t people who always agree; its people who can disagree and move forward through life holding hands and standing up against the storms of life together.

She and I don’t agree on a lot of things.

But we also agree on a lot of things.

She has different colors of hair, she has lots of piercings(wants more), has gauges, wants tattoos, and is one of the best people I know.

By this point you should be thinking, “Hilary, tell us who this girl is already so I can get to know her.”

Well I’m sorry, but you don’t get to know who she is.

No, I’m not joking.

But please see her in every person that you don’t know.

Please see that kind heart behind the tattoos.

See the hard worker behind the unconventional hair color.

See the beautiful heart that has gauged their ears.

See beyond your own judgement and love someone you might have overlooked because they don’t look like you or see the world in the same way that you do.

The best people I know are people that aren’t like me.

They challenge my thought process.

They challenge the way I see the world.

They challenge the way I see myself.

So step outside your box that you’ve built for yourself; you know the one that you’re more than happy to stay in. You’ve got a bunch of pillows piled up in the corner and you’ve dealt with what you are comfortable with and you think you’re living a godly life.

Well you aren’t.

Get outside of your box. Tear it apart.

Don’t build a box ever again.

Boxes keep you in…but they also keep life out.

They may keep you firmly within your illusion of safe.

But they also keep you firmly out of reach from beauty that is beyond your scope; and trust me, we only see so far.

So, next time you see that person in your life that you’ve decided you’re not going to know because they’re a little, “different”.

Please tear that box up and step out and see the tapestry of life.

I have a theory that life is like a tapestry.

We see the back of it. The back is a hot mess of threads. A. Hot. Mess.

Threads crossing over and back and under and then just in a pile in one corner and you can’t tell where one thread starts and another begins but all you know is that you see a lot of colors intersecting.

You see colors that don’t go, that could never go, and then you turn the tapestry over and the colors you thought couldn’t go…well they somehow do. And somehow those unlikely colors make the tapestry all the more beautiful.

Throughout our lives all we see is the hot mess.

We wonder how, why, and what the -?!?!?

But then we get to the end of our life and that’s when we turn the tapestry over and somehow it’s beautiful. Beyond Beautiful. And all that hot mess and the unlikely people and things that we’ve known and loved have made it all the more beautiful.

I challenge you to seek out, meet, and love the unlikelies.

Seriously. Go.

Sincerely yours,

The Undefeated Photographer

So I wrote the following almost 5 years ago, before I faced any of the surgeries, deep depression, and way before the Fibromyalgia. I have some things to say.

Stick with me.

_____________________________________________________

"you know…brokenness is totally fine. Brokenness is great actually. But…there is something to be said for being broken, but not letting that defeat you. There is a strength inside you that is not yours.

He is strong. He is powerful. He LIVES in you!!!" - Okay, wow. Let's take a break from that. At that point in my life I was friends with a lot of kool-aid Christians. I call them that because they have drank the kool-aid and once you do that, there's no going back. Kool-aid christians believe that if you have Jesus that means you can never despair, never be so far gone that even God's name makes you nauseous, and they believe that Hillsong and Chris Tomlin are the end all be all of christian music. I think this is a season in most every Christian's life. So at this point I was starting my pain adventure. So the pain was pretty light at this point and because I was so self-righteous about the physical pain I was experiencing along with the emotional pain of not being accepted by my community, I chugged the kool-aid. I sent this to a friend of mine who has lyme and I will always be so sorry about it. Of course God is in us. Of course He is strong. Of course He has a plan and it isn't to hurt or kill us, but it can sure as hell feel like it is. Back down into the rabbit hole we go.

_____________________

"So sure. You are broken. Great! But take joy in this!!! JOY!

There are moments when you want to break down crying, sobbing, shaking, and just plain falling apart. Do it.

You are falling apart….and you are also allowing God to become more a part of everything within you."

- There is so much superficial sunshine here. God has become part of me when I've been falling apart but it isn't in the way that you would think. He puts his hand to the bleeding arteries, stopping my lifeblood from leaving my body. He holds me in his arms, lets me cry and scream and curse, weeps with me when I'm in pain, and holds my head in His hands when my hands hurt too much to do so. No amount of exclamation points is going to make this tearing down and away of every part of myself anything more than absolutely horrific.

________________________________________

"Each tear is a testimony to how much He loves you, and how much He wants for you.

Every day that you feel lost is proof that the devil is trying to take your heart away from God.

Each moment of revelation within Christ that there is more than you have seen is proof of a bigger picture and an even bigger and more powerful God who is guiding us.

BE BROKEN.

but just know… Brokenness isn’t an excuse to be as strong spiritually as a wet noodle.

Brokenness isn’t the ultimate cop out. so stop trying to make it be.

Brokenness is the opportunity to really let His strength shine out!!

stop holding in the strength that is Jesus!

Stop being AFRAID of Him.

stop shutting God’s fingers in the door to your heart."

- There are no words for how ugly this is. People who are surviving chronic illness don't need to be scolded. They are being as superhumanly strong as possible. You don't see it, but it's true.

Stop projecting all your insecurities about your life or life in general onto the lives of those who are already dealing with regular insecurities and then pain adds more. I want to be independent, but going to school part time this semester and full time next semester...it takes all of me. I wish I could provide financially for myself. That's what this Graphic Design Degree is for. Focus. Don't let the existential dread set it. Don't let it. Looks at mail: medical bills. Purses lips but they fade into a pout and I stand in my kitchen hating the pain that causes the need for doctors and medications and surgeries.

Great, now my eyes are flooding. Starts humming, "I am Moana" and moves on.

Can I take a shower, get dressed, take the dog out, do my homework, eat, take my meds, stay strong, feed the dog, love the dog, talk to God, communicate with mom, and text one friend today? Well my hips and lower back are on fire, so I'll have to figure out some creative ways to take care of Frodo. If I take a shower it will have to be a cold one since my shoulders are on fire(inflammation). Get dressed? I have a solution, leggings and a tunic and a bralette. Maybe that will help with pain levels. I forgot to eat! And my Medications! Ugh!

God is a big part of my life. He keeps me sane, keeps me from losing my shit on people who should not make me their targets. As big as their mouth is and as loud as they are, you don't mess with a spoonie on a bad day. (Spoonie is a term for people with Chronic Illnesses.)

_____________________________________

"Jesus didn’t conform to the world.

so when you really let Him in, that may mean that you don’t fit expectations of family and friends.

and that is hard.

saying otherwise…if anyone does say it, is a lie…and they are trying to convince themselves.." - Jesus was a weirdo. So if you've stopped lying to yourself about how 'normal' you are? Welcome to the tribe, we like all kind of things, different kinds of people, every kind of food, and we embrace our idiosyncrasies.

We're all mad here. ;)

______________________________________________

"Why are you so afraid of Jesus?

He is so awesome, and perfect, and pure…

How could He want me?

You can’t reason it out. so STOP TRYING to!!!!

God LOVES YOU!

Nothing you do could make Him love you more or less. Stop trying so hard to be perfect!

It’s never gonna happen.

haha"

- It is very comforting to me, a bonified perfectionist, to know that personal perfection is not a thing. I am possibly the farthest person from perfect. But I come pretty close to spontaneity, creativity is my sweet potatoes and rosemary, I mess up on the daily, and God still loves me. God thinks my shit smells like shit. But He also thinks that my heart smells like sunflowers.

_________________________________________

"Stop using brokenness as a cop out. And open your heart to Jesus and let His awesomeness pour out of you. Be a testimony of His goodness. Be a testimony of His love. Be a testimony to the restoration He gives our souls.

Be Broken… but …

Be a Testament too."

- I think sometimes I let my pain overwhelm me. Not on purpose, but like if I let it pile on top of me and I hide out underneath it all, then maybe it won't hurt so much.

There is something very cool about having experienced the kind of pain I have; it removed my tolerance of bullshit. It helped me realize how strong I am. It let me carve out my voice from the voices of the masses.

No one wants to admit that pain is a universal thing. Once you admit it's there, you can't act like you're fine. It's easier, for the people who are scared shitless of looking their own darkness bang in the eye, to say that it isn't 'normal' to experience depression, anxiety, sadness, doubt, or insecurities.

The majority definitely has the loudest voice, but that voice is made up of a lot of minorities that aren't being heard. Pain is shouting from the rooftops, picketing courthouses, rioting, marching, petitioning, videoing, writing, graffiti-ing, and expressing as loudly as possible.

_____________________________________________

Strong women and men are rising up to speak against the hate

and speaking to the pain.

You are one of them.

Sincerely Yours,

The Undefeated

I named this, “I Have Faith” because

I just wanted to state that before I said anything else. 

Because of the past few years and because of being in and out of doctors offices, getting new doctors, having surgery, not knowing at all what is going on, being in the hospital, and all sorts of medications, shots, and blood tests; I have known and met a lot of people who have declared me better in the name of Jesus. 

“By the Lord Jesus’ name I rebuke sickness and proclaim healing over your body!!” 

That’s great and all dude. 

And I’m not saying that it isn’t possible. 

I have full faith that if it is God’s will to heal me then He will. 

But it has to be God’s will and not Tom, Richard, or Harry’s. 

What bugs me is that people will say that it is the will of God that I be healed. 

Maybe that’s true. But how dare you tell me or anyone else that YOU proclaim healing over me?

That’s great and all…and I believe that miracles do happen so don’t start in on me being a pessimist. 

I’ve had multiple people from multiple places and churches tell me God is going to heal me. 

Thank you for having faith that He will. 

But do you know how hard it is to be sick or be in pain and people keep telling you that God is gonna heal you right about now? And then I check myself and I’m not healed?

God’s plan might be to heal me. It might not. 

This might be a trial I experience my whole life. 

You really don’t know. 

But when I try to have real talk with christian friends about this, I just get psychoanalyzed and asked if I need to talk to someone. 

I almost always need to talk to someone about something. 

(But I never want to because I’m so busy trying to convince myself that I need to be strong. So if I ever push you away, please know that it isn’t about you. I make a stupid mistake of trying to handle things on my own because I don’t want to burden my friends. Which is dumb…I know…)

I am in pain on a daily basis. My friends are tired of me being in pain. I’m tired of me being in pain. I’m tired of not being able to wholeheartedly answer the, “how are you?” question with, “I’m doing good”. Not even is it in my repertoire to say I’m doing great. I don’t know what that looks like or if I’ll say that again. 

My good friends hardly even ask me how I’m doing anymore. They just look at me with the, “her dog just died” face and go in for a hug. 

Ask me how I am, but be ready for me to evade the question and change the subject. I appreciate you asking even if I don’t always know how to answer. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Anyways, back to the original thing. 

I have faith that God can heal me. But it may not be His will to. 

And I’ve come to grips with that. But you trying to hammer into my head and anyone else’s head that healing is coming…that isn’t love. 

I understand that you have faith and I applaud you for that. 

I have faith too. 

I have faith that even if I’m never healed, even if I’m in pain every day for the rest of my life, even if I get used to the, “her dog died” face, even if I have to deal with people every day telling me that I’m so lucky to suffer and spout bible verses about suffering, even if He does heal me, whatever…. I’m okay with it. 

Please don’t “love” me by shoving your sureness about my healing down my throat. 

If it happens, and if it is in His will, that is absolutely fantastic. 

Just because we proclaim something in His name doesn’t make it His will. 

It’s okay to be unsure about things. 

There is a time for mourning, rejoicing, listening, rebuking, crying, laughing….there is a time for silence. 

One of my very favorite things is when people don't say anything about my pain or illness. They sit with me, acknowledge that it's way too easy to tell people in pain that they haven't tried hard enough or done the right things to not be in pain, and they encourage me to be as strong today as I was yesterday.

My very best friend once sat with me in my living room and we ate chocolate cover dried cranberries in silence and I'm tearing up writing about it.

The most powerful thing anyone can do for me or any chronic illness warrior is to be with us. Life moves so fast and most of the time, I can't keep up.

Just be.

Sincerely Yours,

The Undefeated

Everyone says that it's the moments of intense grief

 that help you see life....

.....clearly. 

It's the loss of a dear and close friend that helps you see 

the poverty that has struck in this day and age. 

The hugs, laughter, and love poverty has hit and

taken over our very mindsets. 

We don't need to fully appreciate what we have

right in this moment....

...because we'll have it again next week wednesday.

And then we lose someone. 

And for a month, 3 months, 6 months we see the reality

of our lives. 

We see the frail existence that we lead. 

We see the big complicated lives we moan 

about as threads, begging to be cut. 

Why must we lose our blessings in order 

to more fully understand the greatness of 

the blessings that we are given?

Because we are fools. 

All of us. We are.

We live an existence and seek after God and we preach love, 

but we have no idea how to comprehend it. 

We throw our lives around

as though they are feathers floating on 

the perchance winds of life.

We throw out our love in the same way. 

Hoping, that maybe if we throw a wide enough net....

....it might hit someone. 

But, do you know what thinly spread love is? 

It's the superficial conversations that we don't like having. 

It's the very virus of "fake" that seems to plague the church. 

Love is a powerful thing. 

The way you give it can speak over someone's life. 

Willy nilly and without respect for the heart receiving it?? It's like the wide net. 

A strong net may be smaller, but it will be a true fishermen's friend. And aren't we to be fishers of men? 

Sincerely Yours,

The Undefeated

I know we all have different stories. In my life I've known an 

orphan,

singers, 

thespians, 

abusers, 

the abused, 

alcoholics, 

drug addicts, 

artists, 

leaders, 

pastors, 

atheists,

 christians,

 black people, 

white people, 

spanish people,

 hispanic people, 

eastern european people, 

asian people,

 caribbean people, 

church people, 

bar people; 

I've met all kinds of people. 

Every single kind of person I've met in my life has desired something better. 

I think it's easy to equate better with having more. 

But what I think we all want and are afraid to admit to is that we want different. 

We don't want everyone to act and be the same. 

We want diversity. We want people to be themselves. 

And we want to be ourselves but are so often too afraid to be the person we wish others would 

take the chance to be. 

I know people who have decided that they will live differently and act differently and equate better with different. Those are the people that inspire me. 

You know those people. They look at going somewhere where they don't know anyone as an opportunity and blessing rather than something to fear. 

They try to take as many opportunities as possible to step outside of their box. 

They are the people that remind you what a voice looks and sounds like. 

They remind you that a voice doesn't always have to be accompanied by sarcasm. 

It's funny to me how so many people are looking for something to make themselves into something else or someone else. 

Over the years, the songs that have hit the fan have been songs about how beautiful the individual is, how awesome being you is.

I wish everyone we meet could just instantly know that you won't judge them for their differences but in fact love them all the more for them. 

It's easy to assume that people are okay. 

I think we fall into that assumption far too often. 

Some people will say that we shouldn't have to encourage each other as much as our frail psyches would like…. 

But why not?

Seriously…what is the problem with telling someone you love them? or telling them how beautiful they are? or saying something nice about them? 

When people die, everyone gathers to tell each other how much they loved that person, how much they'll miss them, how much you wish you'd spent more time with that person…. 

You don't have to have regrets. You build the prison, fashioning it out of your own selfishness, laziness, and fear. Then you walk in, lock the door, and put the key on a necklace around your neck. 

We collect these things. We let them choke us. We let our own fear of being the person we want to be and secretly are choke the life out of us. 

Every person I've ever known has desired freedom. 

God unlocked those chains on your ankles and wrists; you just refuse to let them go. 

You don't have to be trapped inside yourself. You are set free in Him. 

If you've read this, agree, but still find yourself trapped inside yourself; know that i've been there. Sometimes I'm still there

. 

But we don't have to stay there. 

The friend of a stagnant river is the rock that blocks its way.

 Get out of your own way. 

Sincerely Yours,

The Undefeated

You don't have to be anyone but yourself. 

You don't have to act ok if you aren't. 

You don't have to be perfect.

Your visade is pointless in a place so full of brokenness. 

Brokenness isn't something to be ashamed of, but pity is. 

Sadness isn't the devil, but giving into it is definitely his way in. 

Crying is a sign of strength.

Crying is the obvious exclamation that you are broken and desire His wholeness. 

Don't mistake feelings for facts. 

Don't completely disregard feelings. 

Don't be a fully logicly run machine. 

The heart you were given is found in the balance between mind, heart, and spirit.  

Don't allow yourself the easy way out of things. 

Convict yourself of the many stupidities you've done and witnessed. 

Who cares whose theology is right? 

The only reason we care about a person's beliefs theologically is our desire to conquer. 

Can we take a look at ourselves and conquer our own pride before we go out trampling on people's hearts? 

Your visade of all-knowing-never-wrongness doesn't faze me. 

Your cockiness doesn't cover up the fear residing in your heart. 

Your over-compensation for your doubts doesn't make me respect you. 

If you want respect, then get over your preconscribed assumptions about other people and lead your life following the love of God. 

God doesn't push Himself on people. 

He doesn't scream in people's faces telling them they are wrong. 

He waits patiently and lets our own fears, pride, doubts, and brokenness call out to Him when we no longer are on the "ME ME ME- bandwagon". 

Goodness is what God is. 

Love is who God is. 

God is good. God is love. God is. 

Don't let your pride get in the way of people seeing God. 

Believe it or not, everything and everyone on this earth doesn't revolve around your opinions, theology, or personal standards. 

Aren't we supposed to be leaking Jesus? 

I don't want to leak selfish, prideful, fearful, doubtful, fleshly Hilary Phillips. 

I want to be so completely in love with Christ that people have to delve into the heart of God in order to understand mine. 

He is lovely. 

He thinks you are lovely. 

You don't have to be anyone but you. 

Just be ready and open to God redefining who you are. 

"you have to be greater than your suffering."

God is greater than your suffering. 

Don't be afraid of the chisel that God takes to your heart. 

It is only the process of taking away what takes your focus off of God. 

God loves you too much to leave you the way you are. 

We are all constantly being redefined in and by God.

 God uses broken things.

"It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength.

It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume.

It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever." Vance Havner

It is (insert your name here) who returns to greater power than ever. 

It is you who, after each redefinition of character and heart, will be restored to a greater version of yourself than before. 

There’s a million moments in the day. So many moments that there is absolutely no way that you can observe, notice, or appreciate all of them.

How about the moment that you shift your weight in bed to roll over and just as you’re rolling over there is a second where the sun grazes your eyelashes and for a moment your vision is bathed in light?

 That is just one moment.

The next million moments happen. They take place in much the same way. They happen while we are looking for something else to happen. 

Way to go Hilary. You told us something we already knew. We are utterly obsessed with the destination. Another cliche, Hilary? really?

Well what if I told you that the destination isn’t in fact the destination? What if I told you that there are a million destinations in each of your days? 

The waking breath to start the day? Destination 1. 

You have just breathed into your body the invisible element that enables you to sit up and set your feet on the floor for a mere moment of peace before the hurried avalanche of moments that brings you closer to having passed by another million moments for the few that we pick out of our lives. 

We pick moments. But we don’t just pick moments. See, we desire moments but here we are nonetheless just passing them by. Beggars can’t be choosers. 

Seriously? STOP WITH THE CLICHES ALREADY. 

No. I won’t stop with the cliches already. 

Instead of rolling your eyes and picking and choosing your moments and deciding that the moment that I took to say the cliche wasn’t worth the memory, grow from it. 

Do you know where I am coming from with these cliches? No. You don’t. You never asked. 

I’d be extremely surprised if even one of you has made it this far without wondering what the heck the point of all this is. Of course I mean this in the grandest scheme as well as the most minute, like this page. 

My moments have become limited. 

Where you wake up and your vision is bathed in light and then 30 minutes later you try to stop internally screaming at the inane drivers all around you and 30 minutes after that you are being greeted by associates at work and have the opportunity to take in every moment that you are working as a moment that is working towards another moment. 

That is the point. Your day is full of moments leading to moments leading to moments. You have plethora of moments. 

It’s okay that you pass them by. Wait, no it isn’t. What I mean is that it’s normal. It’s normal to not understand how much you have. 

But that is the human experience. We don’t know what it means to breathe until we are drowning. 

We mistake a misstep for a complete failure. 

We breeze by all of the moments, annoyed that the moments we want haven’t come yet. 

I was almost never satisfied. I always felt like a failure. I didn’t know that I was passing by my moments at breakneck speed looking for other moments, because the moments that I had seen weren’t what I wanted. 

Now my waking moments hardly build to much. My moments have been stolen. I have moments. But they don’t build to anything. 

My moments are random. 

My independence has been taken from me. My stubbornness has been wrenched from my hands. Pain has laid hold of my hands and now my hands are learning how, in their brokenness and pain, to take hold of the moments I do have. 

As one who took those building moments for granted; driving to work, working, stressing about working, learning, growing, building the moments upon one another, and missing the incredible adventure of building those moments and having them to look back on and know that I would have others; knowing that there was hope in these building moments even if in the moments I didn’t feel it. 

Breathe. Suck air in, breathe it out. 

Enjoy your moments.  

Sincerely Yours, 

The Undefeated 

It didn't hit me until just now. School has been stressful and I've been doing my best.

Beautiful, hard working, kind, purposeful people were murdered, and I don't know how to shoulder this sorrow.

I don't want loss of life to be a continuing trend in the world. Needless loss. Gross loss. Gross means. Evil actions. And a resulting sorrow too big for any one person to feel. We have to pull together and love each other.

We can't fall apart. We can't lose ourselves in the pursuit of knowing why. Hold my hand, I'll hold yours, and we can walk this hard road together. <3