Strength is Universal

So I wrote the following almost 5 years ago, before I faced any of the surgeries, deep depression, and way before the Fibromyalgia. I have some things to say.

Stick with me.

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"you know…brokenness is totally fine. Brokenness is great actually. But…there is something to be said for being broken, but not letting that defeat you. There is a strength inside you that is not yours.

He is strong. He is powerful. He LIVES in you!!!" - Okay, wow. Let's take a break from that. At that point in my life I was friends with a lot of kool-aid Christians. I call them that because they have drank the kool-aid and once you do that, there's no going back. Kool-aid christians believe that if you have Jesus that means you can never despair, never be so far gone that even God's name makes you nauseous, and they believe that Hillsong and Chris Tomlin are the end all be all of christian music. I think this is a season in most every Christian's life. So at this point I was starting my pain adventure. So the pain was pretty light at this point and because I was so self-righteous about the physical pain I was experiencing along with the emotional pain of not being accepted by my community, I chugged the kool-aid. I sent this to a friend of mine who has lyme and I will always be so sorry about it. Of course God is in us. Of course He is strong. Of course He has a plan and it isn't to hurt or kill us, but it can sure as hell feel like it is. Back down into the rabbit hole we go.

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"So sure. You are broken. Great! But take joy in this!!! JOY!

There are moments when you want to break down crying, sobbing, shaking, and just plain falling apart. Do it.

You are falling apart….and you are also allowing God to become more a part of everything within you."

- There is so much superficial sunshine here. God has become part of me when I've been falling apart but it isn't in the way that you would think. He puts his hand to the bleeding arteries, stopping my lifeblood from leaving my body. He holds me in his arms, lets me cry and scream and curse, weeps with me when I'm in pain, and holds my head in His hands when my hands hurt too much to do so. No amount of exclamation points is going to make this tearing down and away of every part of myself anything more than absolutely horrific.

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"Each tear is a testimony to how much He loves you, and how much He wants for you.

Every day that you feel lost is proof that the devil is trying to take your heart away from God.

Each moment of revelation within Christ that there is more than you have seen is proof of a bigger picture and an even bigger and more powerful God who is guiding us.

BE BROKEN.

but just know… Brokenness isn’t an excuse to be as strong spiritually as a wet noodle.

Brokenness isn’t the ultimate cop out. so stop trying to make it be.

Brokenness is the opportunity to really let His strength shine out!!

stop holding in the strength that is Jesus!

Stop being AFRAID of Him.

stop shutting God’s fingers in the door to your heart."

- There are no words for how ugly this is. People who are surviving chronic illness don't need to be scolded. They are being as superhumanly strong as possible. You don't see it, but it's true.

Stop projecting all your insecurities about your life or life in general onto the lives of those who are already dealing with regular insecurities and then pain adds more. I want to be independent, but going to school part time this semester and full time next semester...it takes all of me. I wish I could provide financially for myself. That's what this Graphic Design Degree is for. Focus. Don't let the existential dread set it. Don't let it. Looks at mail: medical bills. Purses lips but they fade into a pout and I stand in my kitchen hating the pain that causes the need for doctors and medications and surgeries.

Great, now my eyes are flooding. Starts humming, "I am Moana" and moves on.

Can I take a shower, get dressed, take the dog out, do my homework, eat, take my meds, stay strong, feed the dog, love the dog, talk to God, communicate with mom, and text one friend today? Well my hips and lower back are on fire, so I'll have to figure out some creative ways to take care of Frodo. If I take a shower it will have to be a cold one since my shoulders are on fire(inflammation). Get dressed? I have a solution, leggings and a tunic and a bralette. Maybe that will help with pain levels. I forgot to eat! And my Medications! Ugh!

God is a big part of my life. He keeps me sane, keeps me from losing my shit on people who should not make me their targets. As big as their mouth is and as loud as they are, you don't mess with a spoonie on a bad day. (Spoonie is a term for people with Chronic Illnesses.)

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"Jesus didn’t conform to the world.

so when you really let Him in, that may mean that you don’t fit expectations of family and friends.

and that is hard.

saying otherwise…if anyone does say it, is a lie…and they are trying to convince themselves.." - Jesus was a weirdo. So if you've stopped lying to yourself about how 'normal' you are? Welcome to the tribe, we like all kind of things, different kinds of people, every kind of food, and we embrace our idiosyncrasies.

We're all mad here. ;)

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"Why are you so afraid of Jesus?

He is so awesome, and perfect, and pure…

How could He want me?

You can’t reason it out. so STOP TRYING to!!!!

God LOVES YOU!

Nothing you do could make Him love you more or less. Stop trying so hard to be perfect!

It’s never gonna happen.

haha"

- It is very comforting to me, a bonified perfectionist, to know that personal perfection is not a thing. I am possibly the farthest person from perfect. But I come pretty close to spontaneity, creativity is my sweet potatoes and rosemary, I mess up on the daily, and God still loves me. God thinks my shit smells like shit. But He also thinks that my heart smells like sunflowers.

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"Stop using brokenness as a cop out. And open your heart to Jesus and let His awesomeness pour out of you. Be a testimony of His goodness. Be a testimony of His love. Be a testimony to the restoration He gives our souls.

Be Broken… but …

Be a Testament too."

- I think sometimes I let my pain overwhelm me. Not on purpose, but like if I let it pile on top of me and I hide out underneath it all, then maybe it won't hurt so much.

There is something very cool about having experienced the kind of pain I have; it removed my tolerance of bullshit. It helped me realize how strong I am. It let me carve out my voice from the voices of the masses.

No one wants to admit that pain is a universal thing. Once you admit it's there, you can't act like you're fine. It's easier, for the people who are scared shitless of looking their own darkness bang in the eye, to say that it isn't 'normal' to experience depression, anxiety, sadness, doubt, or insecurities.

The majority definitely has the loudest voice, but that voice is made up of a lot of minorities that aren't being heard. Pain is shouting from the rooftops, picketing courthouses, rioting, marching, petitioning, videoing, writing, graffiti-ing, and expressing as loudly as possible.

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Strong women and men are rising up to speak against the hate

and speaking to the pain.

You are one of them.

Sincerely Yours,

The Undefeated