gray sweater

to the boy in the gray sweater.

when my eyes first met yours, you captivated me.

big brown orbs of innocence stared straight into mine, asking for a touch of what i had to offer. lips that drew a perfect smile, giving me a glimpse of the angel i was yet to see.

oh, but boy, you weren't an angel.

you were a man. sinful and evil, imperfect yet mesmerizing, you were a man like i was. you were just another sinner in this world of endless sins, just a tiny evil in land so cruel, and yet you were different. you were a sinner like me, but a sinner i'd never met. you were an evil i had never encountered. you had this difference, a difference i see, a difference i feel, and yet a difference unknown.

and that's why i liked you. simple and out there, i liked you like i did a dozen sinners before, a dozen evils in this evil world. a dozen beats, a dozen smiles, a dozen heartbreaks, you'd think i was used to feeling. but feeling for you wasn't the same. you were different. you were a man.

was it your big brown eyes that made me feel excited and yet nervous? your smile that gave me a touch of happiness and a sliver of misery? all i knew was that you were different, because liking you was different.

different, a scary word, a scary thought, but scarier when it is this difference that governs you. filled with different emotions, different feelings, that's what it was like. it was terrifying, how you could put all the unknown into me and yet make me embrace it like a parasite. terrifying how you could make me feel uncomfortable, feel out of place, feel wrong for liking somebody like you.

you.

you, the reason i curse my fate. the reason i wish i had never step foot in the room where my eyes would catch yours. you, living proof that destiny is real, but it's selfish and destructive, selfish and destructive for choosing me, and choosing you.

you, the boy makes me feel thrilled, and yet makes me feel sick. you, the man who makes me feel loved and hated. you, who makes me feel.

feel excited, feel giddy, feel like a firework is filling my brain at every thought of you. but to feel this, it was something i did not like. it crawled through my throat, it controlled my body. i did not like it at all, how you turned me into a parasite, clinging to my feelings that i did not know were manipulating me, exploiting me. like a parasite.

so, to the sinner. the man. the boy in the gray sweater.

i wish one thing, and one simple thing. perhaps from you, from fate, or from the evil of the world.

stop me. stop me from feeling, stop me from falling, and stop me from dreaming.

for it is through dreaming that you take away the color of my sinful world.

stop me from becoming as gray as the sweater you wear.