to the boy in the gray sweater.

a rollercoaster generally has four parts; one, the rise. two, the fall. three, the twist, and four, the end.

you start by getting on the car, strapping yourself with the thought that nothing could do you harm.

a thrill filled my mind at the thought of embarking on a quest unknown, a journey i was yet to see. it was nighttime, on the 28th of october, the image still fresh in my mind. that was the night i got on your roller coaster.

the ride starts, and from there it's all going up. i smiled as the sun kissed my face and i glimpsed how my adventure was to start. i laughed as an intoxicating rush of chemicals filled my mind, the same chemicals that perhaps, gave me the illusion of a future that would never go down. the same chemicals that, perhaps, smeared my lips in the shape of a smile, and made it into a mask.

and then, the top. so close to the sun, to the snow, to the heavens above. the snowflakes dropped, one resting on my tongue, and gave me a rush of cold and a sense of whimsical. it was christmas season, when you made me feel like i was on top of the world. nothing but joy seemed to fill my mind, nothing but hallucinations. i was a fool. a happy fool.

however the top brings so much more, for it is at the top where i saw the rest. i saw how it could all easily crash, how it could twist me and wring me until i was left empty. and it was then, when the happiness that once plastered a smile on my face, vanished as a new feeling rose; fear kicked in.

january 3rd. i started avoiding the sight and the feel of you.

you were the fright that the ride brought me. your presence gave me a sense of terror. seeing you was a gunshot in my mind, and i knew i had to hide.

you were alone. and vulnerable. you needed someone. and i left you, and now, i feel different, so very different, as the coaster enters the slope, and it all crashes down.

you brought me everything but cheer. you made me mad, you made me sad, you made me feel things i haven't felt in a while. you brought up all the emotions i locked, all the feelings i was scared to release. you left me vulnerable, at the bottom of your roller coaster.

then came the worst part. you took me, you took my being, and twisted it, turned it, squeezed the soul out of me. the days with you were a mixture of rises and falls, twists and turns. i never knew what to feel around you anymore. i was confused.

but all rollercoasters have an end.

today is the 14th of march.

today, i think i see the exit. im still confused, im still vulnerable, perhaps im still happy, but im glad i see where it all just stops. i see where i leave, and where another one enters. where she is waiting, waiting to get on your ride. the ride that had me experience you.

you, the sinner who was different, the man who made me feel, the ride i never knew i wanted. i never knew i wanted such a rush of so many emotions, i never knew i wanted someone so unattainable, i never knew i wanted to open my mind, and my heart again.

you were the ride i needed. i never knew i needed to fall, i never knew i needed to open the chest of feelings i had hidden forever. you were a ride i was fated to get on.

yet, alas, the bells are ringing, and i breathe out a sigh of relief. we near the ending, but, how long til we get there?

rollercoasters generally have four parts, the rise, fall, twist, and end. they all do. but you were a rollercoaster i have never seen before.

and now, i see where i end, and i know how i end, but leaves the question; what else have you got to throw at me? what rise, what twist, what drop, before we all bid goodbye and bring in the next passenger?

to the boy in the gray sweater;

you are a rollercoaster. a rollercoaster i wanted, a rollercoaster i needed. but now, you are a ride i want. i need. to end.

to the boy in the gray sweater.

when my eyes first met yours, you captivated me.

big brown orbs of innocence stared straight into mine, asking for a touch of what i had to offer. lips that drew a perfect smile, giving me a glimpse of the angel i was yet to see.

oh, but boy, you weren't an angel.

you were a man. sinful and evil, imperfect yet mesmerizing, you were a man like i was. you were just another sinner in this world of endless sins, just a tiny evil in land so cruel, and yet you were different. you were a sinner like me, but a sinner i'd never met. you were an evil i had never encountered. you had this difference, a difference i see, a difference i feel, and yet a difference unknown.

and that's why i liked you. simple and out there, i liked you like i did a dozen sinners before, a dozen evils in this evil world. a dozen beats, a dozen smiles, a dozen heartbreaks, you'd think i was used to feeling. but feeling for you wasn't the same. you were different. you were a man.

was it your big brown eyes that made me feel excited and yet nervous? your smile that gave me a touch of happiness and a sliver of misery? all i knew was that you were different, because liking you was different.

different, a scary word, a scary thought, but scarier when it is this difference that governs you. filled with different emotions, different feelings, that's what it was like. it was terrifying, how you could put all the unknown into me and yet make me embrace it like a parasite. terrifying how you could make me feel uncomfortable, feel out of place, feel wrong for liking somebody like you.

you.

you, the reason i curse my fate. the reason i wish i had never step foot in the room where my eyes would catch yours. you, living proof that destiny is real, but it's selfish and destructive, selfish and destructive for choosing me, and choosing you.

you, the boy makes me feel thrilled, and yet makes me feel sick. you, the man who makes me feel loved and hated. you, who makes me feel.

feel excited, feel giddy, feel like a firework is filling my brain at every thought of you. but to feel this, it was something i did not like. it crawled through my throat, it controlled my body. i did not like it at all, how you turned me into a parasite, clinging to my feelings that i did not know were manipulating me, exploiting me. like a parasite.

so, to the sinner. the man. the boy in the gray sweater.

i wish one thing, and one simple thing. perhaps from you, from fate, or from the evil of the world.

stop me. stop me from feeling, stop me from falling, and stop me from dreaming.

for it is through dreaming that you take away the color of my sinful world.

stop me from becoming as gray as the sweater you wear.

friend is a funny word, that could mean a lot. it could mean someone you've known for a while. someone you cherish. love.

friends are the people you treat as family, minus the blood. the people who know your deepest desires, your secrets, your fears. the ones who know you, like you do. 

friend - it has a lot of meaning. 

but to me, a friend's meaning is ultimately temporary. a friend is never everlasting. friendships die. they age, they crack, and in the end, both of you are left, muttering the same question over and over.

who?

you, precious human being. you were my first friend in this hell. you were my best friend. we talked like there was no next time. like the clock would stop ticking as we stopped speaking. we shared experiences you and i never will again. we had moments just between the both of us. moments only we know.

you were not a missing puzzle piece. that's what i thought. i was a set of pieces, and you were the one who figured me out. you and i knew we had a bond deep within us, a bond thats not love. but made of the knowledge that through thick and thin, i'd be your friend, and you mine.

but now. who are you?

friend is a funny word. a word that can bring great memories, great times. times that brought tears. brought anger. brought smiles.

however yet, smiles are temporary. and so were we. 

wherever you are, i hope you're content. i hope you remember our laughs. our stories. us. 

most of all, i hope, that like me, you remember that someone who once gave you the love no one else could. the love only a best friend can offer. 

and unlike me, you're not left asking, who?