a rollercoaster

to the boy in the gray sweater.

a rollercoaster generally has four parts; one, the rise. two, the fall. three, the twist, and four, the end.

you start by getting on the car, strapping yourself with the thought that nothing could do you harm.

a thrill filled my mind at the thought of embarking on a quest unknown, a journey i was yet to see. it was nighttime, on the 28th of october, the image still fresh in my mind. that was the night i got on your roller coaster.

the ride starts, and from there it's all going up. i smiled as the sun kissed my face and i glimpsed how my adventure was to start. i laughed as an intoxicating rush of chemicals filled my mind, the same chemicals that perhaps, gave me the illusion of a future that would never go down. the same chemicals that, perhaps, smeared my lips in the shape of a smile, and made it into a mask.

and then, the top. so close to the sun, to the snow, to the heavens above. the snowflakes dropped, one resting on my tongue, and gave me a rush of cold and a sense of whimsical. it was christmas season, when you made me feel like i was on top of the world. nothing but joy seemed to fill my mind, nothing but hallucinations. i was a fool. a happy fool.

however the top brings so much more, for it is at the top where i saw the rest. i saw how it could all easily crash, how it could twist me and wring me until i was left empty. and it was then, when the happiness that once plastered a smile on my face, vanished as a new feeling rose; fear kicked in.

january 3rd. i started avoiding the sight and the feel of you.

you were the fright that the ride brought me. your presence gave me a sense of terror. seeing you was a gunshot in my mind, and i knew i had to hide.

you were alone. and vulnerable. you needed someone. and i left you, and now, i feel different, so very different, as the coaster enters the slope, and it all crashes down.

you brought me everything but cheer. you made me mad, you made me sad, you made me feel things i haven't felt in a while. you brought up all the emotions i locked, all the feelings i was scared to release. you left me vulnerable, at the bottom of your roller coaster.

then came the worst part. you took me, you took my being, and twisted it, turned it, squeezed the soul out of me. the days with you were a mixture of rises and falls, twists and turns. i never knew what to feel around you anymore. i was confused.

but all rollercoasters have an end.

today is the 14th of march.

today, i think i see the exit. im still confused, im still vulnerable, perhaps im still happy, but im glad i see where it all just stops. i see where i leave, and where another one enters. where she is waiting, waiting to get on your ride. the ride that had me experience you.

you, the sinner who was different, the man who made me feel, the ride i never knew i wanted. i never knew i wanted such a rush of so many emotions, i never knew i wanted someone so unattainable, i never knew i wanted to open my mind, and my heart again.

you were the ride i needed. i never knew i needed to fall, i never knew i needed to open the chest of feelings i had hidden forever. you were a ride i was fated to get on.

yet, alas, the bells are ringing, and i breathe out a sigh of relief. we near the ending, but, how long til we get there?

rollercoasters generally have four parts, the rise, fall, twist, and end. they all do. but you were a rollercoaster i have never seen before.

and now, i see where i end, and i know how i end, but leaves the question; what else have you got to throw at me? what rise, what twist, what drop, before we all bid goodbye and bring in the next passenger?

to the boy in the gray sweater;

you are a rollercoaster. a rollercoaster i wanted, a rollercoaster i needed. but now, you are a ride i want. i need. to end.