I write stories for my friends, this is the result of my boy texting me “do one about a guy looking for an apartment. incorporate group sex.

Ginger Waves

I didn't think he was that dumb. It never occurred to me that this level of absent mindedness would creep itself into my everyday. As I stared at my wooden cutting board engulfed in flames on the stove next to my roommates tea kettle I had made my realization. A Turkish Yalie might have not been the best selection for a roommate. He showers with dish soap, true story. Shit, what can I say, I needed the money. After I batted the flames away from the smoke detectors (with a fine Patagonia I might add) I opened the door of the apartment to let out the smoke only to find a present instead.

EVICTION

Turns out Firat (former roommate) never paid rent. Somewhere between the unhealthy WWE obsession and the strange origami thing he used to do, his rent checks bounced every month. At least they didn't evict us without notice of non payment. Wait, yes, yes they did. Spoil me right? Anyway. I had been going to this Starbucks for WiFi everyday for a week and a half while living out of my car when I finally got a hit on an apartment. I saved the brokers number in my phone, this place on Anaranjado Street would be perfect. The ad really caught my eye.

This was ideal timing because this regular from the coffee spot started following me into the bathroom. I felt like he was trying to hit on me or something and it made me mad uncomfortable.The first time he did it I took it as a strange happening, I looked over the barrier and he was definitely trying to sneak a peek. Then it happened again, in a coffee shop for Christ's sake. I’m just trying to get caffeinated and for the second time in a week I got the fat version of Lil Uzi breathing over my urinating dick like a hungry cock goblin. Nothing was sacred anymore, not even coffee time. I ended up causing a scene, yelling at the guy and storming out of the store. I had an appointment to make with the real estate lady. Anaranjado Street.

2

We met over at the bagel spot near the apartment I was going to check out. She was exactly what you'd expect a young female real estate agent to look like. Drop dead. Take that and mix it with a tight pencil skirt and some fuck me pumps, BOOM, you got yourself a god damn sales machine. I knew I’d have to stay sharp and not give into any of the charm. I was here to get a place to live after all, not be the 7th guy to eye grope her in the last 20 minutes. Plus I was really tired of getting my dick stared at in the bathroom at Starbucks. So theres that.

I ripped the door open a little too aggressively at the bagel spot and made an old lady drop her chai. She swore at me in a syrupy Eastern European accent. Not a great start to a worse first impression. As I approached the table it became all too evident that charm would not be the issue. She was different than the other agents I've met.

“You’re late, motherfucker.” she said.

I stepped back a little, craned my neck to double chin position and thought, “Bitch. What?!” She started laughing and motioned for me to sit down. I reluctantly complied.

“I’m just busting your balls, I’m Toni” she said, extending a hand across the table. We shook.

“My name is…”

“Please, I know who you are, its our business to know” she said with a wink as she cut me off. We got right down to business. Four “bedroom” with “utilities” included. Second floor with a fire escape. $3,000 a “month”. Not ideal but I could swing it, plus I could rent the other rooms. What bothered me was why the fuck were we meeting in a coffee shop? And why the hell was she doing “air quotes” with certain words while she was explaining the apartment? Did she have some angle? I brushed it off, today was already weird enough. Once she realized I was serious we headed towards the apartment down the block.

3

The hallway smelled like curry and paint, a nice compliment to the stairs that sounded like you were ending a small ducklings life with every ascension. Toni gazed back at me as we climbed to the second floor, good thing I was making a conscious effort to not stare at her ass cause that would have been a dead give away and as I said, this was a business transaction. Thank god for cellphones I thought as I super liked a fat chick by accident.

“This is it.” Toni said as she flipped the key ring, searching for the winner. I gave a nod. She shoved the key in deadbolt and shoulder bashed the door open. It was nice, exactly what I needed. Plenty of room, a good amount of windows and the apartment didn't smell like the hallway. I think this would do just fine. Toni knew I was in, she held her arms out in a “I told ya so” manner and I gave another nod.

“Mind if I check out the bedroom?”

“I thought you'd never ask”.

4

As soon as my wrist finessed the door knob the agent smashed me in the back with what I believed to be the heel of her red bottoms. I was not ready for what I faced on the other side of that door. Now, everyone has different sexual fantasies. You always hear guys talking like they want to have a threesome when they can’t even find the G-spot on their high school sweet heart. Basically, men talk a lot of shit and think they can fuck a big game. What they don't tell you is that when a real estate agent shoves you into a bedroom and four smoke shows are completely naked on the bed of said room, you're not happy. You're not excited. You're terrified. As you can imagine, I froze as the door slammed behind me. Statue. I couldn’t breathe. The girls stared as they slowly started to rise from the mattress in the afternoon light. Like steam off of a lake. Speaking wasn't much of an option at this point, which was probably for the best since all the blood in my body was currently in my dick and I was light headed. They all sauntered towards me. One red head, one brunette, an Asian chick and a Black girl. It was like the cover of a textbook, except there were titties n’ shit. They were on me and this was not a dream. Their hands were running over every inch of my body and the next thing I knew they were playing blowjob hot potato with my dick. Thats when I short circuited and prematurely nutted all over the textbooks faces.

Toni came in right after.

“Have fun?” She asked.

“Um, yes?” I said.

“Normally we only run this bit with 3 girls but your generous donation proposition called for special treatment so we added Ginger”

Ginger waved, wiping nut off her chin with a Dunkin’ napkin.

“Bit? What proposition? What the fuck are you talking about?” I said.

“Mr. Jeffrey, the role play is over now you can stop. If you could place the agreed donation on the table we can all go home.”

“My name is Allen.”

Confusion. Fucking panic. Confusion turned to realization. Have I been involved in the biggest case of mistaken identity to ever manifest itself? Realization turned to me bolting out of the fucking door as fast as possible with my dick helicoptering in the hallway. Ive been in the wrong place at the wrong time before but this felt quite like the opposite. I may not have gained an apartment out of this adventure but I did gain something else. I couldn't help but to smile as I ripped past the Indian spot at the end of the block with four “bedrooms” and a fake real estate agent chasing after me. I was alive.