Ginger Waves

I didn't think he was that dumb. It never occurred to me that this level of absent mindedness would creep itself into my everyday. As I stared at my wooden cutting board engulfed in flames on the stove next to my roommates tea kettle I had made my realization. A Turkish Yalie might have not been the best selection for a roommate. He showers with dish soap, true story. Shit, what can I say, I needed the money. After I batted the flames away from the smoke detectors (with a fine Patagonia I might add) I opened the door of the apartment to let out the smoke only to find a present instead.

EVICTION

Turns out Firat (former roommate) never paid rent. Somewhere between the unhealthy WWE obsession and the strange origami thing he used to do, his rent checks bounced every month. At least they didn't evict us without notice of non payment. Wait, yes, yes they did. Spoil me right? Anyway. I had been going to this Starbucks for WiFi everyday for a week and a half while living out of my car when I finally got a hit on an apartment. I saved the brokers number in my phone, this place on Anaranjado Street would be perfect. The ad really caught my eye.

This was ideal timing because this regular from the coffee spot started following me into the bathroom. I felt like he was trying to hit on me or something and it made me mad uncomfortable.The first time he did it I took it as a strange happening, I looked over the barrier and he was definitely trying to sneak a peek. Then it happened again, in a coffee shop for Christ's sake. I’m just trying to get caffeinated and for the second time in a week I got the fat version of Lil Uzi breathing over my urinating dick like a hungry cock goblin. Nothing was sacred anymore, not even coffee time. I ended up causing a scene, yelling at the guy and storming out of the store. I had an appointment to make with the real estate lady. Anaranjado Street.

2

We met over at the bagel spot near the apartment I was going to check out. She was exactly what you'd expect a young female real estate agent to look like. Drop dead. Take that and mix it with a tight pencil skirt and some fuck me pumps, BOOM, you got yourself a god damn sales machine. I knew I’d have to stay sharp and not give into any of the charm. I was here to get a place to live after all, not be the 7th guy to eye grope her in the last 20 minutes. Plus I was really tired of getting my dick stared at in the bathroom at Starbucks. So theres that.

I ripped the door open a little too aggressively at the bagel spot and made an old lady drop her chai. She swore at me in a syrupy Eastern European accent. Not a great start to a worse first impression. As I approached the table it became all too evident that charm would not be the issue. She was different than the other agents I've met.

“You’re late, motherfucker.” she said.

I stepped back a little, craned my neck to double chin position and thought, “Bitch. What?!” She started laughing and motioned for me to sit down. I reluctantly complied.

“I’m just busting your balls, I’m Toni” she said, extending a hand across the table. We shook.

“My name is…”

“Please, I know who you are, its our business to know” she said with a wink as she cut me off. We got right down to business. Four “bedroom” with “utilities” included. Second floor with a fire escape. $3,000 a “month”. Not ideal but I could swing it, plus I could rent the other rooms. What bothered me was why the fuck were we meeting in a coffee shop? And why the hell was she doing “air quotes” with certain words while she was explaining the apartment? Did she have some angle? I brushed it off, today was already weird enough. Once she realized I was serious we headed towards the apartment down the block.

3

The hallway smelled like curry and paint, a nice compliment to the stairs that sounded like you were ending a small ducklings life with every ascension. Toni gazed back at me as we climbed to the second floor, good thing I was making a conscious effort to not stare at her ass cause that would have been a dead give away and as I said, this was a business transaction. Thank god for cellphones I thought as I super liked a fat chick by accident.

“This is it.” Toni said as she flipped the key ring, searching for the winner. I gave a nod. She shoved the key in deadbolt and shoulder bashed the door open. It was nice, exactly what I needed. Plenty of room, a good amount of windows and the apartment didn't smell like the hallway. I think this would do just fine. Toni knew I was in, she held her arms out in a “I told ya so” manner and I gave another nod.

“Mind if I check out the bedroom?”

“I thought you'd never ask”.

4

As soon as my wrist finessed the door knob the agent smashed me in the back with what I believed to be the heel of her red bottoms. I was not ready for what I faced on the other side of that door. Now, everyone has different sexual fantasies. You always hear guys talking like they want to have a threesome when they can’t even find the G-spot on their high school sweet heart. Basically, men talk a lot of shit and think they can fuck a big game. What they don't tell you is that when a real estate agent shoves you into a bedroom and four smoke shows are completely naked on the bed of said room, you're not happy. You're not excited. You're terrified. As you can imagine, I froze as the door slammed behind me. Statue. I couldn’t breathe. The girls stared as they slowly started to rise from the mattress in the afternoon light. Like steam off of a lake. Speaking wasn't much of an option at this point, which was probably for the best since all the blood in my body was currently in my dick and I was light headed. They all sauntered towards me. One red head, one brunette, an Asian chick and a Black girl. It was like the cover of a textbook, except there were titties n’ shit. They were on me and this was not a dream. Their hands were running over every inch of my body and the next thing I knew they were playing blowjob hot potato with my dick. Thats when I short circuited and prematurely nutted all over the textbooks faces.

Toni came in right after.

“Have fun?” She asked.

“Um, yes?” I said.

“Normally we only run this bit with 3 girls but your generous donation proposition called for special treatment so we added Ginger”

Ginger waved, wiping nut off her chin with a Dunkin’ napkin.

“Bit? What proposition? What the fuck are you talking about?” I said.

“Mr. Jeffrey, the role play is over now you can stop. If you could place the agreed donation on the table we can all go home.”

“My name is Allen.”

Confusion. Fucking panic. Confusion turned to realization. Have I been involved in the biggest case of mistaken identity to ever manifest itself? Realization turned to me bolting out of the fucking door as fast as possible with my dick helicoptering in the hallway. Ive been in the wrong place at the wrong time before but this felt quite like the opposite. I may not have gained an apartment out of this adventure but I did gain something else. I couldn't help but to smile as I ripped past the Indian spot at the end of the block with four “bedrooms” and a fake real estate agent chasing after me. I was alive.

I will spare none of you peasants. Today you will cease to exist. You will never consume another breath aside from the ones you breathe from this moment until the end. Your relationships you've concocted with every human you've encountered while in this place we call earth will continue no further. Not your mother. Not even your father. Yes, the same father who you thought was dead. He's not dead, he just wanted for you to believe he was. His wish will be granted with pleasure. Even your dog will be laid to rest beside your pathetic village. 

I will level your home and piss in the ashes. I will hang your friends from the tire swing tree in the back yard. Oh yes, under the same tree where you made that pact so many years ago.

I'm the reason your cousins automobile "malfunctioned". I was there the first time your junkie of a brother shot up. I loaded the needle. I have always been here, you're just a new thread to weave into this fabric of devestation. Vegetation wilts in my presence. I've sharpened the blade, loaded the musket, damned the torpedoes and infiltrated the mainframe. I am the negative effect of free will. I'm not here for any reason. You are not special and you are not specific. I am the champion of the ashes and the dust. I am the scarecrow.

I wish you never quit piano at 6. I know you regretted never telling Lucy Beelz how you felt in 10th grade, and then she choked on her own vomit the night of the ring dance she went to, with your best friend. I know apple crumble tastes strange to you but you eat it anyway cause "Grammy is the GOAT".

If I haven't made myself clear, I am not here for just your body. Your vessel will be dispatched quickly after your essence is removed and buried in concrete. I will steal the very memory of you from this plane of existence. Since that day, you knew your legacy was on the table.

Now make a choice, pull the trigger or take my hand, you fucking pussy.

She was under 5ft tall so I lost her in the crowded bar at least one, two, maybe seven times. Fireball promo girls showered us in 70 proof sugar water and everything began to twist. 

Next thing I knew we were stumbling in her door to an angry Mexican man on the couch. 

"Don' worry that's just my dad, he just got out of jail"

I took my shoes off.

Another pair was with us and we had a foursome. 

In the morning my shoes were gone.

As I walked out, I heard him from the kitchen

"No Chicos Blancos." 

<it is obvious i found you before you found me.questions are unacceptable at this time. i have taken the liberty of paying myself in advance. check your chase account. the target will be eliminated by sunset. the vessel you received this document from will self destruct in approximately 30 seconds. good night>

I held the frosty pint glass to my face for relief, well, what used to be my face at least. I lit another 27 and frisbeed my zippo back on to the bar as I nodded for another shot. What they don’t tell you about getting blood in your eyes is that you don’t actually see red, you don’t see anything at all. Anyway….

In he came through the half door, a bushwhacked pilgrim. I blew a smoke ring.

 He donned a grey beard almost as long as the pack he carried on his back, the kind you see used for long trips, maybe a vacation, something I felt he was not on.

His IPA was already waiting for him on the bar. Weary traveler, you have my attention.

The smoke from his pipe weaved its way through his leathery wrinkles in the same manner snow does on the highway. I drank when he drank. I smoked when he smoked. If his arms were crossed, so were mine. The Chameleon effect, just like my father taught me.

By the time he looked in my direction my eyes were welled up to the lashes and my past had me by the throat. His blue clashed with my hazel. He gave a wink and held his glass high, slowly, as did I . My lip began to quake, and that’s when he said:

“Pour the liquor till we drown”.

I met him on the stairs as soon as I started up them, I walked towards a familiar tune I couldn’t put my finger on, it was being whistled by this man, jeez it was on the tip of my tongue. As soon as I faced him, I froze, couldn’t move a damn muscle. I was on my way up; he was on his way down, ironic really. He had this smirk on his face that confirmed this was no accident. He looked nothing like I had expected, apparently all those Sunday school rumors were bullshit. He wore a slick jacket, red pinstripes on black with a bowler’s hat of the same variety. Gold watch and a goatee as dark as I’ve ever seen. Anyway, our eyes were locked. I couldn’t break that staring contest to save my life, or my soul. His were all pupils, not a trace of blue, brown, green or hazel. What was the name of that song god dammit?! I knew I had heard it before. For some reason that was all I could think of, I couldn’t do anything else, I was barely even breathing. And then he said something, “excuse me”. This peeled me from my petrified pose to realize I was in the middle of the stair case the whole time. I couldn’t make words, all I could do was slide to the right just enough to watch him slip by me with that same smirk, skip down the steps with style and out the door. As I stood there dumbfounded, I snapped out of my hypnotized state and continued to the door of my apartment, 7J. It was not until I slid the key into the mechanism and turned the handle that I was sucker punched by a wave of realization. “Highway to hell” by AC/DC, that motherfucker.