Thirty-Four and Some Change

Long time, no write. I celebrated/mourned my 34st birthday a few days ago. A lot has happened in my world, which has distracted me from the world of words that helps sustain my mental health and happiness. In the past four months I seperated from my husband of 10 years, my baby brother went to prison for two years for negligent homicide, I started a new "adult" career that has an actual pay check, I moved into a home by myself (without a man) for the first time ever, and I am suddenly a single mom to a teenager. My time to express my words is limited and blocked by a wall of emotions I'm not sure how to even express- but it looks like I'm at the first step. Baby steps?

I never expected to be single again, not in my 30's. I never expected the person I love more than anyone in the world would disappear into the abyss during the most difficult days without a word and not care to look back. I never imagined a world in which my baby brother is locked in a cage. I never imagined watching my child cry at losing both of these valuable male role models in the same period of time. I never imagined having the job I have and liking it. I never imagined living through this type of hell- yet I'm alive.

Happy Fucking Birthday to me. May 34 bring new life, love, adventure and freedom. May I learn to forgive those who've wronged me and limit my wrong doings, so I don't inflict the pain I'm experiencing on otthers. May I use the lessons life has taught me to ease the burden life throws at another.

I have seen the best in humans, and I've seen the very worst in humans. I choose to believe that the good in humans will collectively outweigh the bad. Everyone can't be THAT bad, can they? No.

My story is getting stronger, and my tale a little longer and a little taller. A little bloodier, and a little satlier. My heart a little colder, my brain a little wiser.

Watch out world, because thirty-four will be the year I burn you down.