Things I Wanted To Say

Challenge: The Thing I Want To Say

By: @JamieAshworth

My mother said, "you think of nobody but yourself. You are inconsiderate and selfish."

I said, "I'm sorry."

I wanted to say; "Shouldn't my history speak for me when I make a mistake? I am the one who holds you when you cry, cooks for you when you are hungry, talks to you when you are lonely, make sure that I am taking away as much of your pain as I can, and yet I am selfish? I give so much to you simply because you are my mother, and yet, you ignore all that I do when I make a small mistake. When I become forgetful, when I do the wrong thing; I am sorry for being human. I am sorry I will never be good enough. I am sorry that I am always the apologetic one even when I do nothing wrong. I'm just sorry."

My friend asked, "how are you?"

I said, "I'm doing well, and you?"

What I wanted to say; "Everything seems very strange. I am under a lot of pressure at the moment. My sister just left home without saying anything to anyone. She sent my mother a text saying that she wants to grow. I get what she means, but I am angry with her for leaving the way she did. She's only been eighteen for a week now, and she's already making reckless life decisions.

I have to study for finals, and I am afraid of my future. I am worried that I won't make it and that my dad will be right. He never said he doesn't believe in me, but he never actually had to. He didn't even want to help me go to college. Sometimes I feel I hate him, and other times I feel I just don't understand; like there is some way to make sense of it that I simply cannot see.

I am playing the role of mommy, maid, teacher, and therapist at home right now. I am also the desperate college student without enough time to herself. My mom's heart is broken because of my sister, and I keep trying to talk her out of the pain, but I honestly don't understand exactly what she is feeling. I am not a mother. I saw it coming. I knew my sister would do this. I knew she could not work under the iron fist as I can.

Other than that, I guess I'm floating. I want to say that I am sad, but I don't feel much of anything. It doesn't make me sad; it just irritates me. I hate having to split myself in so many different directions for people who don't seem to care. I have so much housework now, and sometimes it seems as if my mother would rather the housework to get done than my schoolwork. I guess I am kind of over it; I am just letting life happen to me now.

I said, "dad, I just want a better relationship with you."

He said, "well, what's stopping you?"

I said nothing. Just sat in silence.

I wanted to say, "you."