Some days are better than some days but, every single day, I wake and get into a mind frame of 'today is the day.' I've always felt both blessed and cursed because I've spent so much of my life running from my purpose. Fighting through all of the times I've looked at myself in the mirror and wasn't happy with what was staring back at me. I ran from love, relationships, and most importantly, God. The distance I created was both painful and eye-opening. It was needed. If I didn't fall flat on my face many times, maybe I wouldn't be able to answer this question now. It's not one I've put much thought into and it can't be answered in one sentence as there is a myriad of reasons. I wake up by the Grace of God and look forward to how I can impact someone else's day in a good way. Asking the Lord to use me as a beacon of hope and a light to someone who may have lost their way. I do it for my true friends in which maybe my presence is enough to keep them going on some days. It became easier when I knew that I wasn't as worthless as I thought. I thought I was some sort of issue for my loved ones. I sought out the wrong things and wanted validation from places that would never grant me the satisfaction. To avenge my grandpa after cancer took him away. I wake up with the thought of making him proud. Would he be proud of who I am today if he saw me? I wake up because I have a little girl to live for. Though she isn't biologically mine, doing things for her and seeing her grow makes my heart smile. To give her the love of a father is all I've ever wanted. I do it for her mother. To show her that love knows no bound and that I am not staying on the phone with ignorance to ignore destiny calling on the other line. I have this goal of turning all of the pain I've caused into happiness. I know that it is in me to be better than I was yesterday. I know that the life I want is out there. I believe in what I'm doing, I have faith, and I trust God more than I ever have and that is something I couldn't have told you before. To see my mom relax and enjoy the rest of her years. The happy expressions of my auntie and cousins. To see my uncles meet me with admiration because I did better than the previous generations of males. To say I made it back to my grandma in better shape than I left. I now have a purpose to give others who are what I used to be a better way of thinking and an example of what a man of God looks like. Don't get me wrong, I was never a bad guy. I was just a waste of talent. I didn't believe in myself enough and that cost me some good years and good relationships. At this current stage in my life, I have the world in the palm of my hands. I must stay diligent and push forward. If I lived for only myself, I would have given up already; died by the waste side, just another number without a face. To be able to unify all races and have peace activated throughout the world through my words is the dream I live. So I don't get out of bed for myself-I do it for everyone else.

I've been depressed for a long time. I would say that I was diagnosed at 17 but it's honestly been longer than that. My earliest memory of feeling depressed probably started in elementary school. I was bullied relentlessly for being fat and tall. To top it all off, I was in the gifted program (that should be abolished in my opinion) so I had a hard time "being smart" while "being cool" to my peers.

My self-esteem was always low and I'd often daydream of being someone else. I always wanted to be the popular girl or the pretty girl that everyone liked. I hated my body and asked God multiple times to make me skinny with every salad I ate so I would be likable. Looking back, my heart breaks that such a young girl had such strong feelings of self-hatred.

I remember being on a field trip in second grade and looking in the mirror. I hated the way I looked. I saw a fat girl in a too-tight button-up sweater with hair too short and a weird nose. Somehow I convinced myself that glasses would make me look better. Now I wear glasses and I still detest the person I see in the mirror.

Now, like most people with this illness, I have good days. Some days I just can't get out of bed. And then there are those days when I wish that I weren't here anymore.

Those days are obviously the hardest. I remember when those suicidal thoughts were rampant while I was in college. I didn't go to class often and I would lay in bed hating myself for every single mistake I ever made in life. I kept berating myself for messing "everything up" and I just could not see a way out. I didn't really talk to anyone about it. I mostly drank a lot to numb the pain. Somehow, I was able to graduate and put college behind me. But, the depression that follows me never actually left.

I realize all of this now. I wish I had the mindset to talk about everything in my therapy sessions in college. I wish that I understood that depression is a legitimate illness and that my poor performance in school had little to do with my own intellect and everything to do with the chemical imbalance in my brain due to trauma, genetics, and circumstances out of my control.

Above all, I wish I had the grace to give myself some compassion back then. I am my own biggest bully and I'm learning that being gentle with growth works a hell of a lot better than chastising myself into changing. It is difficult and hindsight is always 20/20, but I'm glad that now I am heading toward a better horizon.

However, depression is a hell of a beast.

Tomorrow is another day to listen to Taylor Swift's songs, this is the phrase that works for me, it might come out weird or hilarious to some people, but for me? I took it seriously. We never know what tomorrow could bring us, it could be good, bad, sad or anything, but knowing that makes life cool, at least for me. Tomorrow will be a great day, another phrase that just makes me felt better on a hard day, it gives lots of comfort. It gives this reassurance to myself about the next day and there is the day where I knew how the next day would be especially after I did something wrong. I knew it will be bad, but bad day is not a bad life. It is what human goes through, it is normal to have these bad and good days, it will make you felt much more responsible in your own life. You will be feeling better about yourself tomorrow, everything will past eventually, these are my high school teacher words and I will forever be grateful to her for this. Life was not meant to treat you good every time, but once it gave you the great day to live on, that is when you found all the beauties in life, the nature, the buildings and people. If today was a great day for you, cherished it, it is not easy to obtained that but you have work hard to enjoy that. I would like to quote You're on Your Own Now, the line 'Everything you lose is a step you take' and it is fine to lose that whether it is your friends, partner or things or anything at all, it is fine, it will get better, tomorrow? It will be a great day.

A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app....

10/31/2022

"What are you looking forward to this week?"

- Halloween festivities with my family.

- Setting writing goals for this month that are inspired by NaNoWriMo.

- The last two nights of the haunt season this upcoming weekend.

- Giving the Community Cohorts a go via Crossroads Anywhere.

11/1/2022

"What are you grateful for today?"

Good memories of Trick or Treating with my family last night, pajama day at work today (and new Jujutsu Kaisen pajama pants to wear for that), the instant coffee I am about to drink (not as good as normal coffee, but works when you oversleep), and new passion projects to get working on.

11/3/2022

"How did someone help you this week?"

A great meal and fellowship at our friend's place last night raised my spirits, and I was also able to write a little poetry outside while enjoying a peaceful night atmosphere.

11/4/2022

Affirmation: "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-control."

"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"

Thank You God for always helping me through the unknowns of the work week (along with all of the other work week aspects too), thank You for two more haunt nights before the season ends this weekend, thank You for NaNoWriMo to help me focus on doing more writing, and thank You for more family time to come.

A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app....

12/19/2022

"What are you looking forward to this week?"

- Christmas celebrations with my family.

- Last full work week for a couple of weeks.

- Working on getting back into some reading, writing, and spiritual rhythms.

12/20/2022

"What are you grateful for today?"

- My parents getting home safely after a fun weekend visit.

- Watching some anime with our friend Amy last night.

- Classic Christmas specials to watch with my kids each year, like Frosty.

12/21/2022

"What made you smile or laugh this week?"

- My annual viewing of a Christmas episode of The Big Bang Theory with my wife.

- Reading The Night Before Christmas with my students.

- A funny video my daughter showed me.

12/23/2022

Affirmation: "God has great plans for my life."

"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"

Thank You God for extra time off this week, gift money for new games, family time with the How To Train Your Dragon franchise, and Christmas to look forward to.

A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app....

11/28/2022

"What are you looking forward to this week?"

- Meeting voice actors at a convention this week with my family.

- Celebrating Advent.

- Working on a couple of writing projects to close out NaNoWriMo.

11/29/2022

"What are you grateful for today?"

I am grateful for the sleep I had beside my wife, her and my kids to return home to after work, the good work day I had yesterday, and the coffee I am about to drink.

12/1/2022

"How did someone help you this week?"

My wife and our close family friend helping out with transportation needs all week.

12/2/2022

Affirmation: "I trust God."

"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"

Thank You God for being with us through the good and the bad, thank You for Advent calendar fun yesterday, some time for gaming, and the weekend to come.

A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app....

12/5/2022

"What are you looking forward to this week?"

- Reading new books I bought at an anime convention this past weekend, including two Christian books that explore faith and geek hobbies together.

- Time with my family, including an enchilada and anime night at our friend's house.

- Partaking in what will likely be my last acting gig of 2022 - working a Christmas themed weekend at my haunted house.

11/6/2022

"What are you grateful for today?"

- Parent teacher conferences for my students going well so far.

- A little more rest I am going to get this morning before the workday begins.

- Goals to work towards in my spiritual, professional and personal life.

12/7/2022

"What made you smile or laugh this week?"

- Watching the old Garfield Christmas special with my sons last night.

- Being remembered by the kind hostess at a local sushi restaurant after going back for the first time in over a year.

- Reading funny Christmas books to my students, and decorating the school tree with ornaments they made.

12/8/2022

"How did someone help you this week?"

- Leadership Team at work supported me with a classroom situation, and also laminated for me so I could get my students' Christmas gifts to their parents done.

- My wife making everything possible - God blessed me greatly with her!

- God's unbelievable patience with me - thank You Lord!

12/9/2022

Affirmation: "I am loved by God."

"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"

Thank You God for helping me through a busy week, including parent/teacher conferences and getting Christmas gifts done for my students' families. Thank You for family time watching the new Santa Clauses show last night, and for one more weekend of haunt acting (with a Christmas theme) this weekend.

A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app....

1/9/2023

"What are you looking forward to this week?"

- Time with my family.

- Gaming, reading and writing.

- Working on spiritual growth.

1/10/2023

"What are you grateful for today?"

Enjoying a little more sleep, coffee in a little while, optimism training to work on.

1/11/2023

"What made you smile or laugh this week?"

- Watching "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" and "The Christmas Toy" with my sons.

- Talking about time management skills that we have learned from a video game with my wife and daughter.

- Getting a new devotional book at church.

- Burger King with the family.

1/13/2023

Affirmation: "I am loved by God."

"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"

Thank You God for helping me through this work week, thank You for the chance to do some gaming yesterday, thank You for the coffee I am drinking this morning, thank You for my family, and thank You for things to look forward to this weekend like anime with our friend, reading to catch up on, and the opportunity to get some writing in.