4/10/2024
Today I’m supposed to start working on my self assessment at work. I’ve been really screwing up for the past year so I really don’t know what to write. Maybe “with all the shit I’ve been dealing with in my life, it’s a miracle I can get out of bed in the morning. I’d have offed myself a long time ago if I’d known this was what my life was gonna be. So my self assessment is this: it’s a miracle I’m still alive and breathing. Anything else is above and beyond.”
I feel like writing about how I make a great salary but can’t afford rent or utilities because my estranged wife who told me two and a half years ago she was gay and wanted a divorce has refused to sign the papers because she’s getting a free ride from me. I’m paying for two houses, two sets of utilities, four kids, and her. I feel like writing about how I have four young kids ages 4-10 who are struggling and having behavior problems and depression issues because of their fucked up, fractured home lives. I feel like writing about how my mom is failing mentally and can’t remember to take a shower or brush her teeth or do all the things we take for granted and how my brother moved her closer to him so it wouldn’t be as big a burden on me but I’m missing her and constantly worrying about her and I don’t even have her phone number or address. I feel like writing about how my dad died four years ago but I never grieved him because my life since then has been catastrophe after catastrophe. I feel like writing about how my soul mate who I had a short fling with is with another man now and it’s killing me emotionally and intellectually along with everything else. I feel like writing about how hard it is to work when my mind is fixed on her and my heart and soul are aching and dying. I feel like writing about how I no longer have a person, a helper, someone I can turn to. I’m drowning and I have no life preserver, nothing to reach out for. No hope.
I feel like writing about how amidst all of this, I haven’t been evicted, my electricity is still on, my kids are being fed and have a roof over their heads and the structure and discipline I’m implementing are improving their behavior. I feel like writing about how rather than sitting around moping, I’m playing music at clubs and bars, I’m facilitating a bimonthly writing workshop and a poetry/spoken word open mic. I feel like writing about how I’m constantly getting out socially and meeting new people. I feel like writing about how I’m taking karate classes, working out, and running through all my pain and sorrow. I feel like writing about how I’m in the best physical shape I’ve been in my whole life. Though there are still nights I spend alone missing my kids, missing the woman I love, smoking weed and trying to watch movies to keep myself from staring into a bottle of pills.
But somehow amidst all of this, I’m alive, living life even, and trying my damned hardest to move forward somehow.
Today I’m supposed to start working on my self assessment at work. And I feel like writing all of this. But I have to stick to work stuff. Accomplishments and whatnot. And I’ve been barely holding it together, sometimes not holding it together at all. I haven’t accomplished much of anything at work. So even though I’ve done so much, and just turning on a computer and typing a sentence is a miracle for me right now, I’m afraid all I am is a blank page.
Listen to author Ridley Pearson 3/17/24 at 4 p.m.
Nationally syndicated radio show host Patzi Gil launches "Joy on Paper Live!" by interviewing best-selling author Ridley Pearson today (3/17/24) at 4 p.m.
LINK:
https://youtube.com/@joyonpaperlive
CLEARWATER, FLORIDA -- Nine years ago Patzi Gil launched a radio show called “Joy on Paper” (https://radio-joyonpaper.com) that went on to become a nationally syndicated program. Now she’s adding a new program on YouTube.
The goal of both: Promote authors and inspire readers.
“I launched the radio program on March 17, 2015 — St. Patrick’s Day,” Patzi said.
Patzi’s program can be heard in the Tampa Bay area Tuesdays and Thursdays at 11 a.m.” (Eastern Time) on WTAN 1340-AM and 106.1-FM, which is part of the Tan Talk Radio Network, http://www.tantalk1340.com.
The new YouTube program starts St. Patrick's Day, Sunday, March 17. It’s called “Joy on Paper LIVE!” (https://www.youtube.com/@joyonpaperlive) and builds on the success of the radio show.
Among her first guests will be Ridley Pearson, who has penned more than 60 novels, including two New York Times #1 best-sellers. His works for younger readers include “Kingdom Keepers” for Disney Books, a series following a group of friends as they try to save the Disney theme park from villains.
Pearson plays in a band with fellow authors Stephen King, Dave Barry, Amy Tan, and Scott Turow.
“I have spoken to more than 250 New York Times best-selling authors, and I’m very proud that many debut authors and Indie authors have joined me to celebrate the release of their books,” Patzi said.
Here’s what Mary Glickman had to say about Patzi and her program. Glickman is the author of “By the Rivers of Babylon” and a National Jewish Book Awards Finalist in Fiction with “One More River.”
"Joy on Paper is a beacon of light in the wilderness for authors,” Glickman said. “Patzi's passion for books and her incisive insights into them runs deep, making ‘Joy on Paper’ one of the most entertaining hours on radio. There's a reason I call her The Last of The Red Hot Book Lovers!”
Here’s what Jonathan Santlofer said. He’s the best-selling author of “The Last Mona Lisa” and “The Lost Van Gogh.”
“Nobody loves books and authors more than Patzi, whose show, ‘Joy on Paper,’ is stimulating, fun, and a total pleasure!”
When Gil launched “Joy on Paper” in 2005, she had no experience in radio or publishing. Her secret weapon: She’d read 10,000 books.
“When I first got the idea, it was a whim,” the radio host said. “I never imagined it would grow into a magical carpet.”
And what a ride it’s been.
Along the way, Patzi expanded her format, adding fellow book lovers to her team, including:
Natalie Thomas — Natalie is Patzi’s sister and is known as the Connoisseur of Cozy Mysteries. “She has an amazing talent to spot new and talented authors. One of her finds was Rita Moreau. The other is Carol J. Perry.”
Rita Moreau, contributor of Book Buzz: The Best of Mysteries — Moreau is author of “The Ghost & Camper Kooky Mysteries.” She contributes quick, lively, summaries of the best-of-the-best mysteries on the market.
Davon Miller, contributor of Book Buzz: Children’s Book —Davon is author of the “Mr. Tickety-Toc Clock” series. He was appointed as a Sunshine Ambassador for the City of St. Petersburg.
Bria Burton, contributor of Book Buzz: Science Fiction — Burton writes inspirational and speculative fiction (fantasy, science fiction). Her motto, “Rekindle Your Wonder,” stems from her desire to renew a sense of awe and wonder in her readers.
Bill Larson, the Legal Eagle — Bill Larson of Larson & Larson answers questions from listeners about how to protect intellectual property, with a focus on the legal-related aspects of writing and publishing.
Jim Lamb — Retired journalist and author of ”Herding Butterflies & Other Poems,” Lamb creates radio spots for “Joy on Paper” called “Literary Gems,” little audio tidbits designed to encouraged new writers.
Among the special guests Patzi has interviewed:
Juan Felipe Herrera — “When I was a teenager, I listened to a handsome young poet wearing a red bandanna recite his poetry on the streets of Berkeley. I would never have imagined that one day I would be interviewing him — Juan Felipe Herrera, Poet Laureate of the United States.”
Carol J. Perry — Patzi’s first in-studio guest. Carol has two series going and received the coveted Starred Review for the first book in her “Haunted Haven” series.
Eugenia Lovett West — Author of “Firewall,” a mystery about cyber-crime. West celebrated her 101st birthday in February. She is currently working on a sequel to her Revolutionary War spy thriller, “Sarah’s War.”
Lee Child — “Who knew that while I lived in England Jim Grant (a.k.a. Lee Child) was working at Granada Television as a producer and would soon be fired, eventually inspiring him to pen the Jack Reacher series. It was fun to connect with Lee as a guest for an hour-long birthday interview.”
Andrew Child — Also known as Andrew Grant, Drew is now guardian of his brother’s Jack Reacher franchise. He and his wife Tasha Alexander are both best-selling authors. They were Patzi’s guests on her seventh anniversary show.
Margaret George — Author of “The Autobiography of Henry VIII” and “Confessions of Young Nero,” among others.
Cyrus Friedheim — Wrote a book called “Commit & Deliver.” He was the Vice Chairman of Booz, Allen and Hamilton, the consulting firm.
One more thing: Why is it PatZi with a Z?
“It’s because Jimmy Hoffa gave me the name,” she explains. “When I was a little girl, my father would take me to his Teamster local headquarters and whenever Jimmy saw me he would say: ‘Two bits, four bits, six bits a dollar — if you don't give me a hug, I'm gonna holler’.”
ABOUT: “Joy on Paper” is heard in the Tampa Bay area on the WTAN 1340-AM and 106.1-FM, Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 11 a.m. (Eastern Time). The new YouTube program starts St. Patrick's Day, Sunday, March 17. It’s called “Joy on Paper LIVE!” (https://www.youtube.com/@joyonpaperlive)
The Summer Journal - Entry 1, 2023
I had thought that I wouldn't make friends, that those three weeks would pass by quickly, and I wouldn't have to worry about the tears that would follow and the fear of never seeing friends made during those three weeks ever again. I had thought it would be that easy. I thought I could be alone for three weeks and get away with making no friends. But I was wrong - as I so very often am.
I had not expected you.
You were so nice and kind and caring, so funny and calm in all situations, you were everything I never expected to have. I was drawn to you in a way I didn't understand. We became close friends in a flash, teasing and playfully bickering like lovers, it was always a nonstop competition between us. I never won. I had known you for only a small amount of time, but it had felt like I had known you my whole life. I could trust you with anything, my feelings, my thoughts, and my secrets. You always listened with a caring heart and comforted me. You even opened up your heart for me. It was a friendship unlike any other I had ever had - and, I didn't know it then, it was unlike any I will ever have. We always had each other's backs, we were always happy around each other, always playing and teasing. It was the best three weeks of my life.
It ended too soon.
At the end when we had to go home, I had held in my tears so well, trying to be strong. I wanted the last thing you saw of me was a strong and collected woman. Even when on the inside I was falling apart, painfully unsure whether I would ever see you again. It hurt me so terribly to even think of it, but now, now several months after - soon to be a year - we hardly even text. We used to text every day. I had tried so hard to stay in touch with you, I was so afraid I would lose you, but now you rarely speak to me. Is it my fault? Did I do something to make you not want to be my friend anymore?
What happened to us?
Now I wonder, if I ever see you again, will it be different between us? Will we still be as close as we were? Or will the distance have pushed us apart? I'm not sure what the answer is to any of these questions, but what I do know is that I miss you and your jokes, and I truly hope that someday we get to see each other again.
Here's one last secret, one that you'll never be able to hear, a secret that will float through this computer and through my mind and through my memories, a secret that you'll never know. I was starting to fall in love with you. Most people could see it on my face (Kylie and Kara especially), but you never did and never will. Now, though, I don't even know if those feelings were real or not. If it was just that I thought I was in love because of how close we were, but what I do know is that I miss being your friend. I miss laughing with you and competing with you. I just hope that you are living a happy life and don't forget about all of the memories we had during that amazing Summer Intensive.
The 70.3 window - Part 1
First recap Jan 28.
“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming, (…), who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly” – Theodore Roosevelt
I feel this phrase encompasses the way I have felt these past days and the way this whole journey is going. Knowing that the road to the goal is long and winding, it seems unfair with both those who have been so kind by supporting and with myself not to reflect on the process. Now reflecting cannot just encompass how training is going and a matter of numbers (whether it is watts, strokes, or pace), that can be compilated in pictures and Garmin watches.
Also, it cannot encompass just training because there is a higher goal in this journey and it’s finding support for the Fundación Gero, it isn’t just about my journey to get to the finish line and I won’t lose the focus from which it matters, which is both raising funds that go straight to a local organization that creates immediate impact and spreading the word about Colombian cycling and how powerful it is/can be.
This writing is meant to be an honest look at all aspects of the progress and whatever feelings come up with it. So, I want to begin with acknowledging the vulnerability that I’ve felt present with this process, vulnerability is letting yourself be seen independent if the outcome is positive or negative. I’ve felt it both facing my training sessions, especially those that have been tougher, but even more, I’ve felt it when thinking (and acting) on how to ask for support and share the journey. It comes with a lot of doubt about myself, my intentions, if people care about what I have to say and then it all crumbles into ‘am I actually able to do this’. To respond to that, I’ve been learning how to be compassionate with myself, I’ve revisited and strengthened my intentions for taking this challenge, I’ve been learning how to lean more towards discomfort and let it shed light into areas that seemed dark.
One of the best enlightened paths has been all the support I have received. The most obvious or tangible support has been the funds raised up to today, almost 20% there which is crazy!! I thank all of you for your support and vote of trust and feel embraced within a community of people that are very caring. Although that’s the goal, support hasn’t just been there, it has been in endless conversations with people that are curious about what’s happening and give me some of their motivation; it also is in training with friends and going through it together; it is someone cooking for you; it is all the words of encouragement on social media; it is all the advice that’s been given on how to front it. Support is a constant embrace from people, an act of love and what allows me to go back to the discomfort and to be true.
Another heavy factor in this first part of the journey has feeling that resonance with the Fundación Gero and the work they do as a form of motivation. This is because I see how they’re creating change through various different ways, starting with the mayor impact we want to make and it is Youth, Women’s and Adaptive cyclist. This weekend were the National Road Cycling competitions in Colombia, and to watch cyclist that the team already sponsors like the women’s Equipo Ciclismo Capital battle it out with other teams to get a rider in the top 10; and then watch Héctor Ferney Molina, a rider that grew up and developed in the Team Tibaná (sponsored by Fundación Gero) clinch the 5thspot in the Under 23 competition shows the impact this goal can have in the development of current and future athletes in Colombia. Another way of change Fundación Gero is doing is promoting more sustainable ways of transportation, something that has really been present in my mind especially after seeing the effects of various wildfires in Colombia. Efforts like this, create a different understanding and approach towards our relationship with the world. These two reasons have been inspiring and make me want to put 100% of me into this, even with the discomfort.
All that I’ve said have turned training sessions into a space of connection with myself, of self-discovery and of vulnerability. It is the place where I get to think about and act immediately on who I want to be and how to be better. It is, again, transcending the numbers. My body is feeling it for sure, some soreness especially in the legs and hip, but it is also recovering pretty well. My mind has been feeling it the most, at sometimes I feel tired and confronted, others I feel wiser and stronger; but most of all I feel grateful. I feel grateful for the support and opening the doors for it to come in; I feel grateful for the way I’ve been changing how I’m showing up for myself (which in turn is changing how I show up for others); and I am grateful for allowing myself to be in discomfort, where I feel challenged in so many ways.
Lastly, and not as relevant, the numbers for the week are:
Swim: 4200m
Run: 36.2km
Bike: A lot of sweat and effort. I’ve been doing stationary bike taking advantage of the Peloton at the Universities gym which gives me flexibility if the weather is too cold. Probably did 5 rides in the week, between 30-45 minutes each.
Stay true! Siempre más!
-N
I Do It For The Prose. 2
1/29/24
Okay. Very eventful week actually. Yesterday, Tom Felton put out two new songs and, trust me, they’re amazing. I’ve also been very obsessed with a new song by Benson Boone, Beautiful Things. I honestly love it, and it just touches my soul. I haven’t been writing much but I stumbled across a notebook I wrote in at least two years ago that made me cringe greatly. I bought new shoes this weekend, which I needed, and honestly, I’m glad I did. I hope everyone has enjoyed their first month of the year because the rest of the year is going to go by so fast, it’s crazy.
Anyway, that’s all I got right now!
See you in the next one!
-A.E.T.
I Do It For The Prose. 3
2/5/24
I’ve been waiting for almost two whole months for ‘Love Me Better’ by Corbyn Besson to come out. I only have to wait two more days which I honestly just want to pass. It may be a bit of a surprise but I’ve started writing a little bit and I actually can’t wait. If you have my spotify then you’ll know what I’m talking about. The title will stay hidden for a surprise but I actually really like this and for once don’t feel that stressed when I’m writing it.
That’s it now :)
See you in the next one!
-A.E.T.
Gratitude Journal For The Week of 3/4/2024
A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for last week's prompts from the app.
I am going to continue to do gratitude journals, but I will likely only be posting them in the Crossroads Anywhere app going forward. To anyone that read these journals in the past, I thank you :-)
3/4/2024
"What are you looking forward to this week?"
- Working on improving time management at work and at home.
- Seeing my favorite volleyball team play.
- A family adventure.
3/5/2024
"What are you grateful for today?"
I am grateful for the chance to make some progress on the work I have to get done this week, for the coffee I am about to drink, and the chance to spend a little more time with my family this morning due to a carpooling situation.
3/7/2024
"How did someone help you this week?"
My wife for transporting us around when needed, and showing us the blessings of helping a friend in need.
3/8/2024
Affirmation: "God will never leave me or abandon me."
"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"
Thank You Lord for Your help and guidance this week, for some time off with my family, and mutual interests to be passionate about.
Gratitude Journal For The Week of 2/26/2024
A Church I follow has an app (Crossroads Anywhere) where we journal together as a community, and one of the things we journal about are things we are thankful for. I wrote these for this week's prompts from the app....
2/26/2024
"What are you looking forward to this week?"
- A shorter work week.
- Working on some life improvements - getting back into reading, exercising, working on my voice acting class.
- Time with my family.
2/27/2024
"What are you grateful for today?"
- One more extra day off, even if it is for a dentist appointment.
- New music to check out.
- No shortage of sports to check out.
2/29/2024
"How did someone help you this week?"
- Ben and Jerry for their delicious ice cream, which was a nice treat after a rough day at work.
- The Antique Mall by my work for being a warm place to walk on my break.
- My dentist for continuing to help me.
3/1/2024
Affirmation: "God will never leave me or abandon me."
"Is there anything you would like to thank God for this week?"
Thank You God for being with me through a short but challenging work week. Thank You for a few days to rest and enjoy family, hobbies, and You.