5/23/24

“Eight billion people in this world,” I said to the asshole pointing the gun in my face, “and you picked me to fuck with?” I shook my head as I stared down the gun barrel. “You made a really bad choice.”

This part of the story is one hundred percent true. Yes I, Ledlevee, Mike Monroe, the real life person writing this, beat the shit out of two guys who tried to rob me at gunpoint. They fucked with the wrong person on the wrong night. So this first entry is the true part. Everything after this entry is going to be what could have happened the next day and every day going forward if I’d done things just a little differently after this night. But back to the story. And let me rewind a bit now that I’ve got the first sentence hook out of the way.

I’ve had five really bad years. Like legendarily tragically all-time bad years. My dad died. My wife of eleven years told me she was gay and wanted a divorce. I moved out and was forced to pay for both households since she refuses to get a job, and all that with four kids. My mom has dementia and has been steadily getting worse and I was the person who had to help take care of her, call her every night to remind her to take her meds, to do mundane things most of us take for granted. And that’s on top of taking care of four kids and paying for two households. I never have any money because of this shitty situation. I started messing up at work because of the psychological toll of all of this. I have therapists, psychiatrists, more meds than you can shake a stick at. I’m bipolar. And I have PTSD. Plus I’ve been dealing with Crohn’s Disease most of my life. I’m not saying all this because I want a fucking pity party. I’m just giving some context.

But of all the shit, the one thing that stung the most, the thing that hurt more than anything ever has my entire life, was when the woman I love stabbed me through the heart. Metaphorically of course. We haven’t gotten to the violent vigilante part yet. Let’s call her Mary Jane. Because every super hero needs to have his Mary Jane.

So Mary Jane showed up right after my separation from my wife, though I’d known her most of my life. She helped me through one of the hardest things I’d ever been through which was the separation and pending divorce. She was really there for me. And as the couple of years or so went on, we grew closer and closer and started going on trips together and spending more time together. I started to realize how much we had in common. And though I didn’t realize it at the time, I fell in love with her.

Things got physical very briefly. And right before she took me on this wonderful birthday trip, she told me an ex had emailed her. She laughed it off and said the only reason she’d ever dated him was she didn’t want to end up falling in love with some ex convict. Made sense I guess. She’d convinced me that this guy was totally wrong for her and she had no interest in him whatsoever. And then she takes me on this wonderful all expenses paid trip and we have sex. And on the way back she was talking about introducing me to her sister and I’m like “Hmm, maybe this could end up being something.” A week later she emails me and tells me she’s getting back with her ex; you know, the one she supposedly didn’t give a fuck about. So you can guess how that made a guy who already has major self esteem issues feel.

Anyway, five months later things hadn’t gotten any better. I’d been fighting suicidal thoughts for months. I really didn’t give a fuck anymore. So I went to this sound bath and acupuncture therapy I’ve been going to. And afterwards, I was hanging out with my friend. We’ll call him John since I probably shouldn’t use real names in this thing. He says “Hey buddy. Sorry I have to go to work now, but you should go treat yourself. Do something nice for yourself.”

So I’m like, “Okay. It’s a nice night. I’ll go for a walk.”

I drove home and started walking up Harford Road. I’ll use real place names to help things seem more real. This all takes place in Baltimore, by the way. So here I am walking up Harford Road, and on my way back, this eighteen or twenty year old kid comes walking up next to me, dressed in all black. And he says “Give me your bread, dog.”

And I’m like, “My bread?”

“Yeah, your bread.”

Then I notice there’s another guy walking behind me who says, “Give it to him!”

I say, “Why don’t you go to the fucking grocery and get your own fucking bread.”

He says, “Give me your money.”

I say. “I don’t have any money.”

He says, “Yes you do.” I really didn’t, but I wouldn’t have given it to him if I did.

I smile while I’m walking. “Go fuck yourself.”

So these assholes jump me and start punching me in the head and face. I should mention I don’t feel pain and it takes a shit ton to knock me out. So their punches didn’t even hurt, though they did knock my glasses off and it was hard for me to see after that. But I started punching back. I should also mention that I’m strong as shit and I’ve been taking karate. It’s one of the things that’s been helping me survive the past few years. I was using it to get out my frustrations. I never thought it would literally save my life.

Anyway, I started punching back, and though their punches didn’t hurt me, mine definitely hurt them. I was taking out years of pent up rage on their unsuspecting assess. I went all Darth Vader on them. The guy in front of me realized they weren’t gonna take me out like that so he took a few steps back and drew the gun. The guy behind me was still behind me.

And that’s when I said, “Eight billion people in this world and you picked me to fuck with? You made a really bad choice.”

The guy behind me said, “He’s gonna kill you.”

I said “Great! Put me out of my misery.”

I remember the guy with the gun laughing. He must have thought that was hilarious. “Come on mother fucker,” I said. “Kill me. Put me out of my misery. Do it. Just make sure you don’t miss and turn me into a brain damaged vegetable or something.”

Then this car pulled up. Apparently we were blocking the intersection. I tried to wave at them but they just sat there. So the guy with the gun moved out of the way and they drove past like nothing was happening. I tried to flag down other cars that were driving by. It was almost comical at this point.

The guy with the gun said “Ain’t nobody helping you.”

I smiled and said, “I’m not the one who needs help. You are.”

At this point I figured he’d have shot me by now if he was gonna do it. And I was super pissed that he was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger. So I decided to take out all of my rage and frustration on these two assholes.

I knocked the guy’s gun away with a left handed middle inside block. Then I gave him a heavy hook to the jaw with my right hand. I back kicked the guy behind me and hit his crotch. I turned and took a few steps back, making sure I had them both in front of me, and I stepped closer to the guy with the gun to take away his range advantage.

Now a normal human would have probably ran at this point, but I was having too much fun. They weren’t apparently, because they looked at each other and ran across the street and into some dark trees.

While they were running I yelled “You fuckers are lucky you knocked my glasses off or you’d both be bleeding in the street right now!” Then I picked up my glasses and put them back on.

Walking home, I felt like a badass. I had a shit eating grin on my face. Two guys tried to rob me at gunpoint and I beat the crap out of them. But then I remembered my four kids. I can’t leave them alone with their mom. I have to be there for them. I can’t be doing stuff like that anymore. I have to be more careful.

That’s what my real life self said. But from here on, I’m going to turn this thing fictional. But based on reality. This is the story of what may have happened if I’d decided to become a real life superhero.