Disapointing

I am humble enough to admit that I wasn't a great mother. I had all four sons before turning twentyone years old. No they didnt have different daddies, no I wasnt promiscuous, yes I had a good wholesome upbringing. One flaw, no father in my life to guide me in the ways of boys and men.

You know, I sacrificed so much for them, I loved them, and yes did I make mistakes, of course. After all there wasn't an instruction booklet.

My first son was a product of a date rape, understand here that I have never blamed my son, it was never his fault. He was sweet, and a beautitful boy and wonderful.

The younger three were from my ex, who also had a daughter a year older than my oldest son. She was two years old, her dad had custody, and I fell in love with her. I was in love with her dad, my ex, but he wasnt in love with me as I thought.

After spending four years together, my ex took the son he wanted to keep and left me pregnant with two little boys. His daughter went to visit his exwife, the two of them used her as a pawn in getting back at each other through the years. I did what I could to make her feel loved as much as my own, but later in her life it wasnt good enough, and it was all for naught.

I was encouraging throughout all of thier lives, when two sons came out as gay, I still loved them, supported them and never once told them they could not be what they wanted to be. I did tell them they had to wait untill they were adults before they made major life changing decisions....

Fastforward to the present.

The daughter I helped when she got pregnant out of wedlock at twenty, my husband I married when the kids were still little, we took her in and gave her a home and helped her with our grandbaby.

The boys were still in highschool, we all helped out.

Then, she got a house, a boyfriend and instead of celebrating getting married with the ones who supported her, she just got married.

I wanted to help pick out her dress or at least go to try outs.

I was completely cut out.

My oldest son as much as I exspressed my love and care for him, he was always in trouble, mixed up in drugs and with the wrong people. He married an addict and they have three children, I never get to see because I refuse to support thier drug habit, and they told his kids that I am dead. So I am dead.

My second son, the one my ex took with him when he left me, well it took me a month but I got him back. I was seven months pregnant with my youngest son.

So my second son was smart, a good baby, a good kid, everybody liked him and you could just tell he was going to be gay but I didnt care, I loved him no matter what.

I supported him, let him bring friends over, and yet, he still picked everyone elses moms over me because they had more money. They lived in fancier homes or nicer cars ect.

Fast forward to now:

Now he is married, we supported him because we wanted him to be happy, his in-laws live with him and his spouse AND he took thier family name.

So I handled that.

Then he talks down to me, and acts embarrassed that I am his mom. I noticed that on his social media all his pics are of his new family, the ones of me are from years ago.

Yes our political views are oposite, does that mean I dont love him of course not! It does for him though.

My third son has always been a middle child. Hes very good, easy going, and an introvert. Always has been. Kind and gentle he has a good head on his shoulders. We had a tiny bit of trouble when he was a teen, but he was just afraid of coming out. All is well now. He lives with his partner.

My youngest is on the spectrum but high functioning and keeps a job. When he was four months old he contracted spinal meningitis and it settled on his brain, as a result we spent two months in childrens hospital and in the end he had to have brain surgery. I was devastated. The doctors didnt know how well he would develop after, walking, talking ect. As it turned out he didnt talk until he was almost five. My older children said I favored him the most.

Maybe, but they never came so close to losing a child to death like I did, they never had to realize how precious that sweet child so sick with fever really is after everything you go through. You see in the end you love all your children no matter what. Period.

My youngest is married now, again, I was excluded from any of the planning or helping. I would have liked to be included but why start now?

My two youngest sons do keep in touch with me. The others have taken on the attitude that I should chase them around, call them all the time and bend over backwards so they will stay in touch. They want to hold the grand kids over my head.

So I give up. I cant do it. I cant be that kind of person so I'll just be dead. I never was disrespectful to my folks, and I took my children to see them every weekend.

So I'm disapointed that mine cant even wish me happy birthday, happy mothersday, happy thanksgiving, or happy holidays! Not one word or picture.

Yet I send them all those greetings.

Maybe I did everything wrong.

Maybe should have done what society today thinks is best by just taking the easy way out and murdering them before they were born.

All I know is that this generation is so

Dissapointing.