My wishful thinking thoughts

Wishful thinking is hoping my brother will ever speak to me again because he wants to not because circumstance has forced him. Wishful thinking is waiting for my mother to apologize for helping my first husband take my first two children from me, then tell them I was dead. Wishful thinking is wishing that I'd made amends with my second husband before he died, so that his daughter would have had a chance to say goodbye. Wishful thinking is thinking my family will ever really be a family again.

And though some of these can never happen, and most likely all will never, ever come to pass, I can't help but fall into wishful thinking. I can't help but want my brother and I to talk like when we were kids and I felt like he was a twin born eight years before me. I can't help but want my mother to love me without condition and to know that what she did hurt me and was wrong. I can't help but want to hear "I'm sorry." And I can't help but want to take away my daughters hurt when she found her dad and it was too late.

So I keep on with my wishful thinking. I keep on hoping that we will find a way to say the things that we all were born to, like " I love you "and "you matter" and "I care". I know one day my daughter and her father will share the words they didn't on this earth and that one day I will have the family I was born to. And I keep on with wishful thinking and hope that they do too.