Fly with Hope

Falling apart. What does it mean? Does it mean literally being in pieces and being thrown off a cliff? Or does it mean to feel like that but look fine on the outside? Doesn't it mean to be so torn apart that you're ripping yourself to pieces? That you're so upset, so emotional that you hate yourself and everything?

I have the unfortunate experience of falling apart. It feels like everything is my fault. I can do nothing right. Why isn't my life worse? Why do I still have a roof over my head and meals to eat? I still go to school and show my face. I smile and laugh, but if you really think about it, is it all real or am I just a really good actor?

I guess, maybe in a way or maybe completely, falling apart is just like falling into depression. It's blaming yourself for everything you've done wrong and not taking notice of the things you did right and good. It's blaming yourself for other people's problems, even when they say "It's not your fault" with smiling faces. It's feeling like you'll never smile or laugh with someone you love again.

In so many ways is falling apart like depression, some people even say falling apart is part of depression. In both situations you hate yourself, you feel like the world is wrong, nothing will ever go right. You notice when you genuinely laugh for the first time in a while because the ache in you pauses for just a moment until it hits you again. It's moments like those when you realize that it won't always be this way, always feeling like you're not doing it right. With that bit of hope, your life changes. It may take time, as it did with me, but it works. Eventually, you'll stop falling, because by then you will have learned to fly with hope.