confession

"what are you afraid of?"

she asked me.

"nothing"

I said.

"I'm not afraid of

anything."

"not even spiders or snakes or frogs?"

"nope."

but I was lying.

I didn't know it then

but I was lying to her.

I was always afraid.

I had always been afraid

she would leave me

one day

soon.

even when we were young

I sensed the difference

between us.

I always could.

even before I could recognize

grown-up feelings

like jealously and

resentment

I noticed an uneasiness

aching

under my breastbone

next to my heart.

I was always

watching her

as I stood by her side.

I watched her as she grew up

growing stronger

and more beautiful

by the hour.

everyone loved her

as soon as they met her.

why wouldn't they?

she was always

lovely and

happy.

I loved her

too but

she was moving on.

and I was here.

I was the same.

I couldn't

keep up with her

forever.

so when we grew up

I left first.

I took a plane

and I went somewhere

far away.

I thought maybe then

we would be the

same.

maybe then she would feel

afraid and alone

like me.

maybe then I could move on

past this fear

I always hid so well

from her.

but even though I was

the one who left

out of spite.

even though I was the one

trying to hurt her.

even though I envied her

and resented her.

I missed her

constantly

and I wondered how she was

doing

and what she would say

if she were with me.

I was afraid

when I came home.

I was afraid she didn't

want me

anymore.

but instead she

held open her arms

and called my name

as if nothing had

changed.

as if she loved me

perfectly and

unconditionally.

and I wanted to cry

because I realized

how ugly I really was.

how ugly I would always be

on the inside.

I realized she knew

and she didn't care

because I loved her

and she loved me

and that would never

change.