Bitter Sweet

Staring at the empty room that surrounds me, in a daze as I run my fingers across the rim of my drinking glass. I swallow hard, although I do not fear what comes next. Death is the best ending I could hope for. It’s peaceful, no more heartache, pain or disappointment; just rest. They say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you take your last breath; it must be true. For, I see it all.

Everyone walks by me as if I do not exist. Like a lone piece of trash just blowing in the wind, making its way through the crowd, dying for someone to pick it up and if they do, it’s only for a little while, then it is discarded once again. Being stepped on, torn and broken into pieces, until finally there is nothing left. The paper has no choice but to lie still. The words that were once written on it have faded, the lines within it are no longer visible and it is no longer bright; just transparent, becoming one with the universe, but the funny thing about life is. No one really listens until you can no longer speak. If death is what it takes just to be heard, then mine will be bitter sweet, just like the salt I tasted around the rim of my final drink.

People look at me and they only see one thing and maybe that’s what my parents seen too. Perhaps, I wasn’t just a helpless innocent baby girl lying in their arms. Perhaps they seen me for what I truly am from the very beginning, a monster in disguise. Camouflaged by an ivory complexion and big hazel eyes. These eyes of mine have seen more than I can carry around with me. I no longer crave the taste of my own blood tears. I have had my battle and I’m tired of losing, perhaps death can finally set me free.

This story is not about death, it is about the sanctity of life. I treasured my life, a little too much perhaps. I was always reaching for something out of reach. I longed for every possible feeling I never thought I would have and it turns out; I was right. I simply couldn’t accept who I was, where I came from, I always seen myself as more, turns out; I was wrong about that part.

I know what dwells within the depths of this world. I have seen the beautiful faces of pain and destruction. Everyone looks in the obvious places for corruption, but it is among us every day, blending in with everyone else and even standing out. It is not them that disguise themselves, it is our own eyes that create the optical illusion of what they truly are. Our eyes play tricks on us, we open ourselves up to what we perceive to be safe. But what is safe really? One thing I know for sure is, I have never played it safe. I have given into things I shouldn’t have just like so many others and for no other reasons than my own twisted perception. Perhaps this ending for me is the best thing that could happen, not only for myself, but for everyone else as well.

My mind never stops thinking, constantly being filled with all the visions and acts of violence I have had to endure. Which makes me question everything. Is it me? What good am I really doing anyone by being here? Is this world really a better place with me in it? What impact have I made? Would the people that I care about the most benefit more if I simply didn’t exist at all? The answers to these questions are all the same, but I don’t feel sad. I feel relieved in a way, because I am always filled with guilt, regret and pain that no one other than myself has bestowed. I am not cursed, maybe, I am the curse. I have spent countless years trying to find my purpose in life; maybe this is it.

There is no higher power. I hear people and even I have said. “You have to believe.” All I have done is believe, but in what? How can I believe in something that I do not know? Believing in something means you have to know what it is and I have yet to find exactly who I am. Being myself, has always been twisted into what everyone else wants me to be.

If I could just truly be myself then this decision would be much easier, less painful.

I don’t have any uplifting words to leave behind. My broken legacy is nothing other than a trail of neglect, broken hearts, bad decisions, pain and regret. The only words I would feel comfortable leaving to anyone would be. Know who you are. Don’t search for it as I did, for if you don’t know, then like me; when you find yourself. You may not be able to live with the results.