32 Years...

I've spent 32 years doing what others wanted me to. Rose up to other's higher standards of me because there was no other choice than for me to do so. For 32 years I was the "mature, responsible one that had to keep others in line and in check" because my elders asked me to. Taught that I had to strive for and towards perfection in order to be fully accepted; being told that my only goal was to be perfect in every way. That it was not okay to make mistakes because the punishment would be so severe that I would never make the same mistakes again... and I didn't. I went along with what my "friends" wanted me to, never questioning it because I believed in them whole-heartedly. Became the "caregiver" and "the strong one" simply because no one else was there to do so. Went silently suffering through life without most of my "friends" noticing the tears behind my smiles and actions... just to be accepted and loved by those who said that they love me if I did/would/say/acted blah, blah, blah. 32 years worth of self abuse thinking that if I did what was asked of me I'd be accepted. In all of that time I realized that the only person that was suffering was myself. I protected others from harm but not myself. Stuck up for others who couldn't, becoming their shield; neglecting the one person in this world that I needed to protect- MYSELF. I failed utterly in doing that. In order to make others happy I forsook myself for the greater good, telling myself that my needs/wants/desires didn't matter; if it was in my power to make others happy then I gladly sacrificed myself a hundred times over to help others be happy.

No more...

Now it's time for me to focus on My Self for once; taking time out for myself to make sure that I am the person that I choose to be; not what others may wish me to be. Watch out and protect myself from people who wish to do me harm, put me down to make themselves feel better, and stand up for myself when others try to bully me into submission by enforcing their wills upon me. Time to be my own best friend and to be gentler with myself when life doesn't go my way. To be there for myself when no one else is; to love myself whether or not I have money, a job, without make-up and to embrace the darkest sides of me with love and acceptance. My turn to be happy for myself and do things that make me feel happy about myself without worrying/concerning myself about what others might/ will say about me... time for me to fully shine regardless of what shadows within others that I may create because that's on you to fix- not me. Drastically cut my circle of friends down to the loyal ones that loved me for me; Surrounding myself with the people who were there for me when I had nothing, because they love me for who I am; not what I have. The ones that saw me at my worse and still stayed by my side- I know who you are and am grateful that you stuck by me!

They say that the first 28-32 years of being you are working off your karma of your previous life (or lives in my case)... It feels good to finally remove the shackles that bound me for so long- mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Its true that you do not know how strong you are till being strong is your only option that you have... never in my wildest dreams did I think that I could be this strong; maybe for others, but not for myself till I actually tried it. One of my favorite quotes is: "God doesn't want you to be happy; he wants you to be strong..." that in this life you are to be tested, broken down and remade to be molded into what he sees fit. That the trails / tests that I have gone through have led up to where I am at now in my life to give testimony to what can be accomplished if you have faith in the process of life, in yourself and a higher power. Every day I give thanks for every moment that I didn't give up or give in and rose to the challenges that is life; becoming stronger by finding my inner strength...