I've spent 32 years doing what others wanted me to. Rose up to other's higher standards of me because there was no other choice than for me to do so. For 32 years I was the "mature, responsible one that had to keep others in line and in check" because my elders asked me to. Taught that I had to strive for and towards perfection in order to be fully accepted; being told that my only goal was to be perfect in every way. That it was not okay to make mistakes because the punishment would be so severe that I would never make the same mistakes again... and I didn't. I went along with what my "friends" wanted me to, never questioning it because I believed in them whole-heartedly. Became the "caregiver" and "the strong one" simply because no one else was there to do so. Went silently suffering through life without most of my "friends" noticing the tears behind my smiles and actions... just to be accepted and loved by those who said that they love me if I did/would/say/acted blah, blah, blah. 32 years worth of self abuse thinking that if I did what was asked of me I'd be accepted. In all of that time I realized that the only person that was suffering was myself. I protected others from harm but not myself. Stuck up for others who couldn't, becoming their shield; neglecting the one person in this world that I needed to protect- MYSELF. I failed utterly in doing that. In order to make others happy I forsook myself for the greater good, telling myself that my needs/wants/desires didn't matter; if it was in my power to make others happy then I gladly sacrificed myself a hundred times over to help others be happy.

No more...

Now it's time for me to focus on My Self for once; taking time out for myself to make sure that I am the person that I choose to be; not what others may wish me to be. Watch out and protect myself from people who wish to do me harm, put me down to make themselves feel better, and stand up for myself when others try to bully me into submission by enforcing their wills upon me. Time to be my own best friend and to be gentler with myself when life doesn't go my way. To be there for myself when no one else is; to love myself whether or not I have money, a job, without make-up and to embrace the darkest sides of me with love and acceptance. My turn to be happy for myself and do things that make me feel happy about myself without worrying/concerning myself about what others might/ will say about me... time for me to fully shine regardless of what shadows within others that I may create because that's on you to fix- not me. Drastically cut my circle of friends down to the loyal ones that loved me for me; Surrounding myself with the people who were there for me when I had nothing, because they love me for who I am; not what I have. The ones that saw me at my worse and still stayed by my side- I know who you are and am grateful that you stuck by me!

They say that the first 28-32 years of being you are working off your karma of your previous life (or lives in my case)... It feels good to finally remove the shackles that bound me for so long- mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Its true that you do not know how strong you are till being strong is your only option that you have... never in my wildest dreams did I think that I could be this strong; maybe for others, but not for myself till I actually tried it. One of my favorite quotes is: "God doesn't want you to be happy; he wants you to be strong..." that in this life you are to be tested, broken down and remade to be molded into what he sees fit. That the trails / tests that I have gone through have led up to where I am at now in my life to give testimony to what can be accomplished if you have faith in the process of life, in yourself and a higher power. Every day I give thanks for every moment that I didn't give up or give in and rose to the challenges that is life; becoming stronger by finding my inner strength...

Chapter V: Cynnedie Meets Illuminata

Cynnedie still hadn't come to realize that she did something wrong. Yes, she understood that she hurt Kinne but in her mind she had deserved it because she was being pushed too hard to try to control her feelings. To Cynnedie, feelings and emotions were suppose to be felt and experienced; not hidden or tamed. There was no reason for Kinne to take it so personally... and yet she couldn't stop thinking about how her emotions could affect Kinne so much to the point of making her "ceasing to be."

That was the first time that Cynnedie had seen her father, The King, get so upset and tearful. He never striked her as the old type but The King looked so aged when he heard of what had happened to her garden that it surprised Cynnedie. When her mother, The Queen, disappeared The King put on a brave face around Cynnedie so she never saw him cry. It bugged her that her father got so emotional about a little bit of dirt. What did that dirt mean to him and why was it such a big deal for her to say how she really feels.

As smart as Cynnedie was, she refused to acknowledge that she made the wrong choice by telling Kinne to just die. That she wasn't being selfish by only thinking about her feelings and not Kinne's. Were the other kids mean to her because she brought it on herself? After thinking about it for a while, Cynnedie came to the understanding that she was much smarter than everyone around her and that it shouldn't be wrong to put others in their place when it came to intelligence. In fact, Cynnedie looked at it as her doing them a favor by pointing out where they were messed up. So what if they called her a know-it-all; it was true. Compared to them she knew waay more than they did. Cynnedie prided herself on being the smartest person in the room- that was how she shined. According to her logical reasoning, there was nothing to apologize for and that everyone was making a bigger deal out of this then there needed to be.

She thought to herself, "I didn't even want her to begin with. I even told my father that I didn't want this piece of dirt that I was given. Why does he care more about Kinne than he does me? He didn't need to yell at me because I didn't do anything wrong. If anything, its his fault for giving me something that I didn't want in the first place!!! It doesn't matter if I get her back because I won't change my feelings just so Kinne can live. Even if I admit that she made me feel better I still choose myself over her. Who is she to me? No one. Nothing. I created her from nothing; if it wasn't for me she would even be here!!!" With this mindset, Cynnedie marched into the throne room to where he father, The King, was to give him a piece of her mind.

"How dare you scold me over a piece of dirt that fed off of my emotions Father. You were the one that presented dirt to me. You were the one that told me that I had to keep my emotions in check. You were the one that said I had to tend and take care of her. I never wanted her. You forced her on me with too many rules Father. This was all of your doing! Did you really expect me to go along with this when there is nothing that she can teach me???"

"With anger like that Cynnedie it's a good thing that Kinne is no longer in your possession... You have no idea what damage you have done do you Cynnedie??? All you know is what you know which leaves no room for anything else for you to learn. When did you become this close-minded and self-centered Cynnedie? This isn't how you were raised to be. You were given something precious- a gift that only you can have because you are part of my bloodline. No one else can be entrusted with the secret of the garden; and you nearly killed her because of your ignorance. I left you alone to reflect on your actions but it seems all that you came up with was stubborn reasons as to why you were right and neglected to understand how you could be wrong. To prove just how wrong you are we are going to take a little trip. This is also part of your punishment so that you will understand what it means to think about someone other than yourself Cynnedie. Now close your eyes..."

The King loosely held Cynnedie's hand so that he could bring her into his own garden- Illuminata. He knew that Illuminata wasn't going to be too happy to see Cynnedie but The King had no choice but to follow through on his plan. Illuminata had stopped raining but the sky had become cloudy and overcast. "You can open your eyes now Cynnedie... we're here."

When her eyes opened Cynnedie saw many large, old looking trees that were taller than any tree that she had seen. She was in a forest of sorts- not able to see the sunlight due to the canopy that the tree's leaves provided. There were animals that she had never seen before that she didn't even know existed but they were staring at her as if they knew her. And hated her for some reason. Cynnedie felt uncomfortable in this place. With all of the animals watching her she felt the fear rise up within her to leave but The King still had a hold of her hand. Seeing her tense up The King decided to let her feel this emotion for a little while longer to let it sink into her heart what the feeling of being intimidated was all about.

"This is my little piece of dirt- Illuminata. Your piece of dirt came from Illuminata which is why all of the animals despise you at the moment Cynnedie. You nearly killed someone that they hold dear. This forest is my heart and tied to me. I tended her daily. Took care of her daily. Spent more time here than you will ever know... This forest, you could say, is my first child; the one I care about the most because I have spent so much time here. Does that surprise you to know that I care more about this place than you at the moment Cynnedie? Think about this for a moment if you will and watch..."

The next emotion Cynnedie began to feel was that of shock at how little her father cared about her right now... The King's demeanor changed as he thought about Kinnedara laying in the protective barrier and the monsoon that almost flooded the forest before returned. Cynnedie couldn't believe what she was seeing; that her father's emotions completely changed the forest into a watery mess.

In the distance there was a stern and demanding voice echoing all around them. "Gregory!!! Stop with all of the sadness and return the forest back to normal! And you..." With a dramatic pause Illuminata manifested herself in front of Cynnedie, pointing right at her in an accusing manor, "You're the one responsible for turning my precious Kinne to gray!!! If and when she recovers I will not hand her over to you just so that you can kill her again because you think that expressing your feelings are more important than keeping them in check!!! You, my spoiled and selfish girl, are going to have to earn the right to become Kinne's guardian again. No, it will not be an easy task- you will have to get through me if you ever want to see her again."

Cynnedie was taken back by her straightforwardness and fired back at her in a defensive tone. "I don't need to take this kind of attitude from you- you can't tell me what to do when it's my own feelings. I do not care who you are, you do not talk to me in that manner at all. Do you know who I am?? You have some nerve talking to me in front of my father, The King, whom you serve." Cynnedie's defiance was wearing thin on Illuminata, but The King allowed it to continue. "What gives you the right to talk or even address me in such a hateful tone? Its not like I did something personally to make you feel this way towards me?"

"Oh...???" Illuminata said in a questioning tone, "There's another mistake you've made on your part silly girl- I have known you since you were born!!! I am the only person allowed to talk to you this way because of who I am. In fact, I can talk to your father, The King, any way that I please and won't get in trouble for it!!! Don't get me started on how much you have wronged me little girl. I can guarantee you that you won't like me when I get angry and believe me entitled brat you are about five seconds away from me giving you a lesson that you will never forget!!!"

Illuminata was growing bigger by the moment turning herself into a giant to intimidate Cynnedie and make her feel unbalanced. Her once rosy face had turned evil and filled with hatred over the way Cynnedie had disrespected her and Kinnedara. Her hand turned into that of a thick branch and she began to give Cynnedie a long overdue spanking for all of the trouble that she had caused. After the twentieth whack, The King finally stepped in to intervene. Cynnedie's eyes were filled with tears but she didn't scream out loud. Her eyes reflected a hatred that The King had only seen once before form his darling Cynnedie- on the day that her mother, The Queen, disappeared.

"Now that's enough now Illuminata- look at her. Cynnedie has had enough. Return to your normal, jovial self so that we may continue with her re-education of what it means to have emotional intelligence and gain some control over her feelings..." Reluctantly, Illuminata returned to her happy, robust self in order to properly make an introduction.

"I am the spirit of this forest that is called Illuminata. Your Father, The King, created this place for me to live and I govern over all that you see here including Kinne, whose dirt came from my forest. Gregory, as I call your father, has nurtured me and all that you see here since he was younger than you. I am not his 'servant' as you so rudely called me earlier; if anything he caters to my beck and call to tend me. He understands what it means to have your emotions in check so that we, the beings here, all are protected from the dangers of what happens when emotions go out of control. Unlike you, who blatantly wanted my Kinne to die because you didn't want to follow the simplest of instructions. Because of your selfishness, she was almost beyond saving!" Illuminata paused again to let Cynnedie process all of this new information that she was being given.

Cynnedie had never been treated so poorly in front of her father before and he was allowing it to happen. Had she really messed up so badly that the only way for her to understand what was going on was to bring her here, to this manly woman, to straighten her out? She was feeling her smallness and how badly she disrespected her father's forest spirit and the forest itself. Cynnedie felt like she had to hide herself from the horror of her actions but her father, The King, wouldn't let her run away from this. Since she wanted to fully take in all of her feelings he let her wallow in them and feel them to the core.

Of course The King hated treating his daughter this way, giving her tough love in order to learn how not to kill with emotions, so that she could be re-united with Kinne again. He had made the choice to follow through on this course of action and nothing was going to change his mind- even if it meant that Cynnedie grew to resent him; it was for her betterment that he was doing this...

Chapter IIII: Part V- For Kinnedara's Sake

The King walked with his head down in the heavy pouring rain within Illuminata. Reflecting on where he went wrong with Cynnedie and how he could make her understand exactly where she went wrong so that she could make it right. After hours of soul searching The King still couldn't figure out what to do.

So he decided to go and see Kinnedara to beg her for her forgiveness. Illuminata put a protective barrier around her so that Gregory couldn't get too close to her. The note read, "You are still on punishement Gregory for what you did... you can talk to her but I won't allow you to touch her. Figure out how to straighten out Cynnedie BEFORE I let you interact with my precious Kinnedara."

Through the enclosure, Kinnedara looked extremely pale and serene in her induced sleep. The King felt so horrible for what Kinnedara must have experienced with Cynnedie. Tears of sadness overcame him as he saw how close to death she had come. He made an agreement with himself to never allow anymore harm to come to Kinnedara for the sake of Cynnedie's "emotional education." The King almost thought of telling Cynnedie that she had actually killed her garden and that this is a new one that came with even more rules but he knew that Cynnedie made a bond with Kinnedara and was finally opening up to someone. Maybe he could have a sit down with Cynnedie to help her understand the gravity of her actions.

Then The King figured it out: He would bring Cynnedie to his own garden and show her firsthand what it means to tend and take care of your garden. Illuminata would show her around and help her better understand the relationship between her emotions and the garden. He would show her where Kinne was (in her child-like form so not to upset her with how much she looks like her mother) and explain to her that she can never do something like that again.

"Illuminata, I'm going to bring Cynnedie here to see the garden so that she can see with her own eyes what happens when she looses control of her emotions. I need you to please turn Kinnedara back into Kinne's form for this-" Before he could finish Illuminata cut him off to put in her two cents.

"I refuse to turn her back Gregory. But I will create an illusion of Kinne in another room where she can see her with a barrier so that Cynnedie can't touch her and see that she is the fake. Just know that I won't go easy on your daughter about what she did to my precious girl. Yes, I'll refer to her as Kinne but only this one time Gregory..."

With a plan in place The King left the garden and mentally prepared himself to deal with Cynnedie.

There is a recurring dream that I have had since I was eight and it goes like this:

I wake up completely surrounded and engulfed in darkness. I cannot see the outline of my body or even see the palms of my hands when they are right in front of me. I call out, "Hello, can anybody hear me?" but there is no response. Panicked, I begin to yell at the top of my lungs for what seems like hours but all I am greeted with is silence. My walk turns into a nervous run trying to find someone, anyone, that will acknowledge me. I don't find them.

Realizing that I am completely alone, I slowly curl up into a little ball and start to quietly sob. While I'm in the fetal position I can tell that this feels horribly wrong. My throat hurts from calling out and it becomes painful to swallow. Then the tears flow down until I cry myself to sleep. When my eyes open, I am still trapped in the darkness but in the distance I hear what sounds like static from an old television set and with my hands in front of me I follow it to what feels like a tv screen.

As I touch the screen I see the salt and pepper static appear on more than one tv. There are many televisions stacked on top of one another in a five by five pattern that all show the static. An image begins to materialize in front of me and I see people that I know in my life. I get a smile on my face and feel relieved to know that I am not alone. But something was wrong. I was calling out to them but they weren't responding. They were going out of their way to ignore me acting like I wasn't even there. Every screen had a different person that I knew on them and yet they couldn't see or hear me. Some of my friends were talking about me; some good and others bad. I got to hear how jealous they were of me, how they didn't want me to succeed and secretly hoped for me to fail, how petty they acted over the things that I did, and how no one ever really liked me.

All I could do was watch and listen to the people whom I'd considered family talk so badly about me. I was horrified that they could be like that... which made me think that I was truly alone in this pitch black world. Sometimes the screens would change to others that I knew but I would be at a higher angle as if I was watching from a tree branch. Many emotions went through me as I soaked up the information that I was being presented with: I felt cold and numb wanting to disassociate from this place and the people that I was watching. I felt absolutely alone and unloved. I wondered if this was my own personal hell; the things that I feared the most.

Never do I get a response to that question, just more images of people on the screens talking badly about me. Even the people that I helped out said that they just used me because they knew that I wouldn't say no to them. I cried, screamed and shouted out into the emptiness to make it stop but it keeps on going. Endless loops of people that have come and gone into my life and how they honestly felt about me. Being on the outside and constantly looking in was something that I dealt with all my life. I thought that these people whom I'd consider friends and family accepted me... but they really didn't. They just placated to me giving me just enough to hold on to the illusion of being my friend.

Over the years the dream/ nightmare changes... I see people I know but I am just observing them in their everyday lives. They aren't talking about me; but there is no mention of me anywhere at anytime from them. Sometimes I am an older woman in a black cloak watching all of the screens, keeping an eye out over them like a guardian angel. Something always remains constant- Always alone and in the dark without any light except the screens. Once I tried to use my energy to light up the darkness but it was swallowed up. Another time I called on the wind element within me to rage forth and suck in all of the darkness, but the darkness was never ending.

The majority of my life has been me trying to be myself and having others accept me for it. Truth is the more I became myself the harder it became for others to like me. If I shine brightly I cast shadows on others which brings out the worse in them. It hurt a lot hearing how people viewed me; but the hardest part was that I cared about these people who couldn't give a crap about me. I didn't want to care about what others said about me, but it was hard trying to keep my head held up high when my heart was crying out in pain because I wasn't accepted by the people that I was surrounded by. People mattered to me more than I let on and when I had to experience that loneliness and the feeling of being alone again I refused to do so. It isn't that I want to care about how others think of me; but everything that was said about me had a way of hitting me in the face unexpectedly.

This dream showed me that no matter what I did in life people were going to talk about me and not accept the person that I wanted to become because that meant that these people couldn't control me which scared them. It revealed that my path is a solitary one that was void of any kind of "light" no matter how much I called out for it and needed it- I was forsaken. I had to learn to rely on myself and not care about how others think of me. That the one thing that I wanted at the time, to fit in, was being denied to me in order to show me that no matter what I did I wasn't going to fit in. Friends were nothing more than people's representatives; masks that they tweaked in order to mesh with me and I fell for it because I wanted to finally have people close to me that I could share my hopes, dreams and feelings with.

Looking around now at my life that dream has continued to be accurate in many respects which saddens me. The people have changed many times on the screens, but their cores haven't; and I keep choosing the same types of people to be around even though they are completely different than the previous people I decided to share my life with. Some, I've learned, are just better at hiding their true cores than others. I have very few people in my life that will pay attention to the words coming out of my mouth. One person hears me but still if I share too much I get turned away yet when the shoe is on the other foot I am expected to hear everything without fail. I guess that kind of hypocrisy doesn't go away. People still talk badly behind my back and if I am lucky they do it straight to my face... I am still bothered by it but I tell myself to consider the source and move on in my life.

I've had to learn to walk alone; not to rely on others to help me, and not to share things with people because they don't understand. The only comfort I have are the words that I string together on paper or a computer because keeping a journal is just too sad for me to re-read. But in a way this recurring dream has given me the strength to walk my own path steadily with one foot in front of the other. Helped me find my inner strength to be unaffected on the outside by what cruel things others can say about me. Then calm myself down internally when what they say is false by telling myself that I know the type of person I am... this dream aided me in preparing myself for the life that I needed; not the life that I wanted, in order to be the person that I had to become to survive this world.

Ever since I can remember I have been a child of nature. Walking barefoot over the furtile Earth, climbing trees and breathing in their oxygen, I used to pretend to be an anthropologist and would conduct digging expeditions in order to find jewels and crystals. When I did find crystals the vibrations coming off of them soothed me. As children, we accept things as they are and do not question the things that we intuitively feel. This concept was something that I forgot when I grew up. Instead of looking at things from a child’s perspective I traded my intuition for an intellectual know-how that we, as adults, bear.

My life had been going down a path that didn’t feel right with me. People were taking away my power and my energy, I was constantly fatiqued and developed emotional induced illnesses. Negativity clung to me even though I was hopeful and optimistic. Things just kept getting worse with me and all of the modern medicine couldn’t help me. I didn’t give up my fight with what was going on with my body, but I did go to an alternative method of taking care of myself.

Then the crystals re-appeared in my life once again- this time I felt drawn to an askashic store that sold various metaphysical things including crystals. Intuively I picked up fifteen different crystals and their vibrations made me feel better. After taking them home with me and sharing the wonderful experience with my family that the crystals were actually helping me, I came to realize that they were just appeasing me and humoring me. They didn’t believe me and told others that I was crazy and had ill mental health. Once the talk reached back to me about what was being said about me I secluded myself in my room for days. Their non-believing had made me feel worse and my emotions were taking it out on my body by giving me hypersensitive nerve pain, a pain in my left side, and I became bed-ridden.

So for the sake of fitting back in with my family I forsaked my only cure and put them away. Later, I found out that half of the crystals that I bought were taken by my mother and still till this day I have yet to find the eight remaining ones as well as the ones that I had as a child. Some of the original crystals I had were “purged” by my mother as things that she deemed as unnessasary. With what little strength I had I did the unthinkable: I raised my voice to my mother and told her that I was angry at her actions and that she didn’t have the right to throw away my things when she feels the need to “purge” and let go. That she should be focusing on her own things to get rid of and not mine.

My actions caused my family to put me in a psychiatric ward for seventy-two hour observation for erratic nervous behavior. This taught me never to voice my opinion of how things are within my family and that I couldn’t trust my family with anything when it concerned me. The medication that they gave me turned me into a zombie, not helping with the pain that I felt. When I was evaluated, they found nothing wrong with me and even suggested that the route of me turning to crystals was a good thing that I was trying to do to raise my vibrations. That with proper exercise and positive affirmations my emotional induced illnesses could be managed.

I began to go to a spiritual church-like place to find peace. At the Lake Shrine service, they make time to meditate, chant and pray. Afterwards, they have this beautiful lake that you can walk around and soak up the good, healing vibrations that are surrounded by lots of nature's greens. It wasn't till I was finished touring the lake that I stumbled upon a small house/ room that housed some of the founders' crystal collection. Then everything clicked for me- that if someone like him could understand the power of crystals, then I wasn't being crazy for thinking that I could use them to heal myself. That my "forced mandatory observation" was unnecessary; brought on by fears and insecurities about things that my family didn't understand. My tears wouldn't stop flowing out of me. I couldn't help but feel betrayed by the people that were suppose to love and support me. This was the day that I made a conscious decision to distance myself from my family. I realized that I was someone that my family feared because my belief system was different from theirs.

After going over my astrology chart I noticed that an aspect in my chart showed that I was an empath and absorbed other people's emotions. An inkling told me to go back to the akashic shop and I bought a crystal wand necklace called "psychic" to help me deal with all of the emotions that I was picking up from others. It was a huge shock coming to terms with being an empath but the necklace made me feel better. I bought more crystals and let the energy that they had help heal me. Once they were surrounding me, my body synchronized with the energy that they were giving off and whatever impurities were within me I could feel them leaving my body. I began to look up the power of crystals and what different types of energy that I needed in order to feel better.

Months of self crystal therapy healed what the Doctors couldn't explain within me. Upon researching, I found that each crystal had its own positive affirmations, different energies, and have a tie-in with the body. All of the crystals that I intuitively picked up and brought home with me were needed by my energy. Some of them re-aligned my charkras, others cleared away negativity, but mainly they brought me peace of mind through their healing vibrations.

I learned the hard way that you have to protect yourself and guard your energy against phychic energy attacks. That my illnesses were linked to a lack of protecting my energy and that I needed to "shield" myself from things that I couldn't see but feel. The concept of "white lighting" myself and becoming in the habit of carrying crystals with me everywhere helped. All of these things that were going on with me were things that highly sensitive people go through and learn how to cope with. Since I neglected this part of me, I wasn't aware of the fact that I had accumulated massive amounts of other people's negativity mixed in with their not so pretty emotions. They were tearing me apart from the inside out and needed to be released. Turns out there were crystals for that too which I also bought in hopes of keeping the icky feelings from clinging to me.

Read many more books about the idea of how to protect one's self from energy attacks using nature's healing powers that were found in things that came from the earth. I discovered earthing, white light protection visualizations, calling on angels and my own guardian spirits, and color therapy. My emotional induced illnesses are all but gone; I do get anxiety every now and then when I'm under extreme stress but all I have to do is reach for my crystals and I feel better. If I didn't go through all of this I wouldn't have believed that this world was even possible. That something so small as a vibration can wreak havoc on your body; an invisible feeling that had so much power over your whole entire body. Vibrations tie-in to emotions which in the past has revealed themselves to be called "demons." Which brought a new meaning to the quote, "battling my inner demons."

Crystals were my introduction into the world of what I refer to as "magic." Many things that I cannot see can and will hurt me if I do not take actions to protect myself. That energy and vibrations are real and when people know how to manipulate them it can be used for good or evil by a simple intention put behind the feeling. By surrounding myself with the loving energy of crystals I was able to heal and learn about things that have been lost throughout the ages since rationality took over. Nature does heal us instinctually; if only we allow it to do so. Once you accept Nature's crystal healing powers you cannot deny having being touched by it. That's why I call it magic.

It was love at first sight when I saw her... she was someone that I wanted to know more about and couldn't wait to get closer to. There was something in her eyes that said that she knew more than she let on; that she had a sparkle in her eye that she kept well hidden from others but I saw it. Like she only revealed it to me and me alone. She smiled and said, "Thank you" as she walked passed me. I guess you could say that was when I became obsessed with having to have her around me.

The more that I watched her and began to follow her around I became angry with the level of people that she hung around with. In my head I kept screaming, "Why doesn't she see through the fakeness that they give her? Doesn't she know that she deserves more than this?"

When she goes out with her so-called friends you can see their envy and dislike of her for getting more attention then they are. I keep asking myself, "Can't they tell that she's uncomfortable in this situation??? She doesn't like it when everyone looks at her wanting something more than lustful thoughts that she doesn't want to give them." I can see that she recoils every time she feels someone's lustful thoughts sent her way!!! They see her sex appeal, her voluptuous curvature of her body, men and women getting all hot and bothered by her and she hates it. When she smiles people only focus on the flirtation when all she is doing is being nice. But not me, I knew that she was just being nice to me when our eyes met and I could tell that she was grateful that I didn't try to hit on her.

I watch her daily going about her business; always trying to brighten up people's days with her warm smile. Rarely, is it reciprocated, but she continues to do so anyway. At work she wears more make-up than she'd like to but only to bring out her natural beauty. She doesn't need to beautify herself to make her outer appearance more attractive; her inner glow shines so much outwardly that other people's light pales in comparison; turning their light into a shadow.

Today I got brave and sent her orchids, her favorite flower, plus a romantic note that was signed anonymous that went over well. I secretly recorded her reaction on my phone so that I could re-live the moment whenever I wanted to. She lit up when she realized that they were for her- in that moment I could see that she was genuinely happy and felt loved. She cried tears of happiness which made my heart melt into mush. I was glad that I could make her happy so I continued to send them every two weeks, recording her reactions, for no other reason than to see her face light up.

No one sees her the way that I do... that even though she is smiling and cracking jokes all she wants to do is cry. That she feels the loneliest when she is surrounded by people that she calls her friends and they just use her for her beauty. I mean do any of those posers know anything about her??? She keeps her emotions to herself because no one cares about her feelings; even the man that she loves doesn't pay attention to her in that way. He treats her like she's just here to serve all of his needs, and not catering to hers. He doesn't deserve her and appreciate her the way that I can... I know that if she gave me the chance I would sweep her off of her feet and bathe her in the finest things... she wouldn't want for anything but me. That she would feel safe and secure in my arms and never want to leave them!!!

It isn't that she's a sad, sorrowful creature... no, not by a long shot! She is a beautiful woman in her deep feelings, vulnerability, and her innocence. Her attributes often overlooked because of the niceness of her personality. People daily treat her like a pushover; thinking that she won't get upset but in secret she does. Once I followed her home because it looked like she was having a hard day. She began to scream, yell and sing at the top of her lungs cursing all of the people in her life for being so horrible towards her. Her angry side was so beautiful in her rageful manner that I had to record her emotional outburst on my phone. I wanted to watch it over and over again to see just how much emotion she was filled with. After she calmed down she went to the bathroom to start the shower.

I took this twenty minute window of opportunity to let myself into her place with the spare key under her mat and looked around. All of the things here looked like they belonged to someone other than her (of course it was his) . I left a note for her in her pile of mail so that she knew that I felt her pain. I smelled her pillow so that I could remember her scent. After doing a complete walk-through of her place I noticed that she had no identity within her own place. Seeing this made me love her even more; knowing that most of her life she has been seen and not heard. But I see her... I see all of her; the things that she hides and keeps to herself. Every time I see her all I want to do is take her away from all of the people that cause her pain and shower her with tokens of love. There is such a purity in her energy that she needs to be protected. No, not locked up in a gilded cage like she was as a child, but in a place that she could call her own.

She dreams of a freedom that others don't allow her- to be herself around people that appreciate her for herself. Where people can see the true value of what she has to offer. Why can't others see that she needs someone who cares about the things that she doesn't say? Someone who sees the tears beyond her mask and wipes them away??? Since no one is stepping up to do that in her life, I'll become the person that she needs in her life; become the only person that she can rely on who truly understands her and what she needs. I will be the man that can take care of her- no one else knows her the way that I do...

Soon. Very soon. I'll end her misery and take her away from all of the ugly people who cannot see the beauty that is her- Any day now I'll make my move and she'll be mine...

There is a place that I know of that calms and soothes my wary soul. Where the air is crisp, fresh and awe-inspiring. The birds chirp and the trees sway helping me to forget all of my worries. It is a place where the sun feels hotter but the winds make it feel cool against your skin. Elevated four thousand feet above sea level; a place where only few dare to drive to.

This place I call my desert oasis. My spiritual sacred space that fills me up with hope and positivity. The silence there is louder than anywhere I have been; talking to me as if we were long lost friends. It is here that I find myself calm, cool and centered. Away from all of the hustle and bustle of life. A place that slows down the fabric of time in one of the busiest locations of the world- that is where my sanctuary is hidden.

You wonder where this fantastic place is??? Twenty minutes away from the strip in the city of entertainment, Las Vegas, Nevada. As you travel away from the strip you begin to see more of the quiet wonder that is the lovely Vegas air. Time moves differently out here- where you make your own timeline of life. Here is my place of quiet reflection. A place of stillness that calms the restless wind element within me. The only place that I have found that I can truly be myself. Without having to hide my Self in order to fit in with everyone. Yes, Las Vegas, Nevada- my desert sanctuary...

Let me start off by saying that reading an astrological birth chart is extremely difficult when you have been trained, and me without training, had to teach myself how to understand how to read them. I see now why my sister made me start out by reading my own chart- they are highly individualized, and being a Gemini it is easier if I start by analyzing myself in order to know others.

I was getting into a different world than I previously lived in when it came to astrology. Up till now I had just scratched the surface of understanding what the zodiac signs were and how they related to one another. Reading a natal birth chart required skills that I hadn't used before in order to see the life energy one was dealt with as they come into this world. These charts are made like a circular clock- in the outer circle they have 12 houses that all have individual meanings corresponding from Aries to Pisces but have differing starting points in the same sequential series, you have the planets that are located within the twelve houses that take on a similar and yet different energy, and the inner circle is where you read the lines to see how each of the planets interact with one another. My brain didn't know where to start and this made my head hurt something awful.

Breaking the chart down I looked for something that I could understand, focusing on my Sun Sign of Gemini. According to the model that I was looking at for a reference, besides my own chart, I noticed that I had two houses that were Gemini; not just one. My twelfth and first house were Gemini. That my placement of my sun sign was in the twelfth house and not the third house (Gemini is the third zodiac sign) as the model one had put it. This confused me greatly but I kept on going. My chart also showed that I had houses that were empty and some that were sharing two signs within their one house. Lastly, seven out of the nine planets had a Rx next to them- Mars and Venus being the exceptions.

Turns out that all of those things had a specific meaning and were important aspects of my chart. As I began to google things on the computer it became rather obvious that this information was over my head. Finding out things like Rx means that the planet is in retrograde at the time of my birth (from Earth the planet looks like it is moving backwards), that a twelfth house Gemini is odd compared to a normal Gemini (I take on the qualities of a Pisces), That my Rising sign (the way that the world views you) is in Gemini, my Moon is in Taurus, and three houses that are blank.

Visually, a natal chart has everything that you need in order to discern the type of personality that person is born with. You can see the relationships between mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, and social interactions. Trauma that occurs within their life, careers, money, romance, the emotional side of yourself, the things that one hides in their mind, their hopes as well as their dreams if one so desires to look for it.

Slowly, I began to look up my houses and saw that I wasn't normal for lack of a better word. My perspectives on things were skewed in such a manner that people mistook it as odd behavior when in actuality I just saw the world using different colored glasses. The retrograde planets in their signs revealed that I had many memories of my past lives- some horrendous, others tragic and some great ones where I lived out my passions. When I matched them to the houses however, I saw things that I wouldn't have wanted to see. There was a sadness to my chart that made me reconsider how wonderful my childhood was, that I was lonely and alone at times that I needed others, my father trying to stamp out my 'weaknesses' by telling me what I did wrong versus praising what I did right, my mother being a 'wound that would not heal', attracting ill tempered men who only wanted to objectify me and control me; abuse me and much worse, and that I had the capability of manipulation in many areas to get the things that I needed in life. In order for me to learn in this life I had to learn through experience; not just being told that I couldn't do something because...

The inner circle, where the lines that tell you how the planets are interacting, was the toughest part of all to comprehend. This had an altogether foreign energy to me. It was unique from where I had come from in my understanding of energy; there were six different ways that the energy could manifest known as Aspects: Conjunction (where the planets are next to one another and bring out both planets energy), Square (hard energy where its either one or the other), Opposing (hard energy that when confronted is forced to go on another path; usually comes out as a Square of the two planets), Sextile (energy flowing freely with positivity), Trine (harmony and ease), and Quincunx (tension between the two planets). An example of this would be: Sun Conjunct Mercury, Pluto Square Venus, Sun Opposing Moon, Neptune Sextile the Moon, and Jupiter Quincunx Saturn.

According to the lines I had a 5/11 issue: that the majority of my planets fall within the fifth house and the eleventh house causing a see-saw effect within me; that I had a battle between my innocent playful side (fifth house) and the seriously quiet adult side that can be controlling (eleventh house) or it could be taken as a fight between caring for others versus being detached, having friends or being a loner, being the life of the party or becoming the smartest person in the room, being loved or hated... all of these 'issues' applied to me coming in the form of opposition. Meaning that they were manifesting as a 2/8 issue: coping by having nice things, a place to call my own, quiet time in solitude, retreating to nature, eating food as a comfort tactic (second house), thinking about sex and other things considered to be 'dark', using other people's possessions, surviving by living off of others, taking an affinity to all things psychological, and finding the deeper meaning in life (eighth house).

Most of these things I didn't want to know about myself at the time. My life sounded pitiful and I did not want to feel that way. Many of the not nice things in my chart came to fruition and left me with a sense of numbness. When I found the book, The Instant Astrologer, the author had done something that I hadn't thought of: combined psychology with astrology and Lyn's information gave the issue and then showed ways of combating such issues. It taught me even more about astrology that I again, hadn't paid attention to in my previous readings. Things called hemispheres, modes or modality, the breakdown of how to arrive at the information by hand and synchronicity of looking up two charts in one.

After my new discoveries I went to my sister to tell her what I had learned about myself. She was pleased to know that I went above and beyond what she thought I was doing and showed me her version of how she reads the charts. I followed her way of reading charts till it no longer suited me. Somewhere along the line I stopped seeing the charts and began to feel them; certain people's charts began to make me sick while others made me feel happy. I went from viewing the natal charts intellectually to understanding them intuitively; that is I got more of a general picture in my head than spat out all of the verbal information that I used to. Instead of going through every little detail I began to see the whole chart as one cohesive thing, discussing the chart as an overview then picking out individual points to bring up.

Currently, I use the big three method when giving astrological readings: Looking at the Rising, Sun and Moon to get the basis of the person's chart. From there I use the Ping-Pong method of going from planet to sign to ruling planet (i.e. Sun in Gemini which is ruled by Mercury so then I look at Mercury and what sign he is in...) till I cannot go any further. Then I go over any trends that occur or repeating patterns that can be seen, the nodes (the karma of your previous life and the karma of this life) and answer any of your questions in regards to an area of your life.

It's been twenty years since I started this journey... learning more and more as day passes something that I previously didn't know about astrology. I now have programs that help me create the charts and can edit the program to add more information to make it more of 'my own.' Most people blow it off, rambling about how it's fake and unfounded but when you do come across someone that knows what they are doing you will then understand how much work and effort goes into becoming an Astrologer.