Retrospection

The memory shook me. In retrospection, I saw myself with my friends during those years. I was there and they were there. Yet, I seemed (to myself) so distant. So detached. It hit me how much I kept myself distant from everything during those years. I had built walls, and foolishly waited for people to strike them down. I wanted somebody to extend a hand, but never made it seem that way. I created that safety distance for myself and they respected it.

How foolish! Now I understand why I had feelings of being an outsider among my friends. I am sure they did not intend for it to happen. How did they think of me? Is the picture in my mind the truth? or is it tainted with my later understanding of things?

Sometimes... sometimes I had the unrequited feeling of blaming them for not noticing how depressed I was, for not questioning my mood swings... But I had no right to blame anyone. I still have no right. I can't blame others for not providing help I did not ask for.

Still, why do the years torment me? Why do I still examine every interaction with others? Do they...think of me? Or wonder how I was feeling back then?