in the woods

You have a mental condition, you have to take the drugs the doctor prescribed you...

I put my head to the side and sink into my pillow,

my eyes fall on the nightstand and I stare at the half-empty pill bottle.

I haven’t taken them in three days. I hate that stuff.

You need to take them every day, otherwise your state is going to get worse. Now, we don’t want you to get depressed again and do something stupid, don’t we now?

I turn to the other side of the bed and stare out the window. It’s dark and the wind howls with force. Branches hitting the glass. Bang, bang, bang. I shrug my shoulders, not caring. The darkness didn’t scare me, it was the dark thoughts in my head that prevented me from sleeping. The monsters didn’t hide under the bed. They lingered in my head. Making me do things, act all crazy. That’s why I needed the pills... and yet I stopped. Three days and three nights. My mind was hazy from them and I felt like I was behind a wall, everything was muffed. I couldn’t focus.

The pills have side effects, all drugs do. However, it is essential that you take them, my dear. Do you understand? Nod once if you do... Good girl, do as I tell you.

There is a storm coming, the noises outside increasing, yet in here, it’s perfectly quiet. All I hear is the clock ticking and my slow breath, as I lay on my bed. The sheets are made of satin and they are cool against my heated skin. I think I might be coming down with a fever. I feel badly lately. Maybe I shouldn’t lay off the pills. Maybe, but I needed a clear mind, I needed to know what was going around me.

The feeling of numbness made me slow and weak. People nodded and said I was doing the right thing. That eventually I would be fine. So I nodded too. I agreed. I wanted them to go away. I wanted to be alone in my home so I could do things my way. So they couldn’t see me... when I do everything against their will. I preferred the voices in my head to those, of the ones that gave me fake smiles and empty words of comfort.

I close my eyes and think of the alarm. Did I set it this time? I always did, every night. I check everything. I close the doors. I check the locks. I live peacefully here, in this empty house. Far away from people and those who mean me “well”. I can’t let them be too close, or I will go crazy. I arch my back and laugh hysterically for a moment. Hmm, that was funny. I take a deep breath, still smiling. But maybe they were right and it didn’t take much to take me over the edge.

But I was good here, the silence and the nature outside the window soothed me. The near woods bringing me comfort. Like big arms wrapping themselves around me. Giving me protection.

You shouldn’t fear the dark, it’s all in your head.

Don’t worry, it’s not the darkness that gives me chills.

Want to talk about it?

No, just give me the damn pills.

As you wish, just give me a call when something changes.

I will be sure to keep that in mind...

And I did keep that in mind, I just completely ignored the thought. The numbness taking all of my fears away. At first. But then it wasn’t enough. I felt like suffocating.

Big pressure on my chest. The walls pushing themselves on me. I felt constantly as if I was underwater... and I really needed to breathe.

So I stopped. I made myself throw some of them away in case the nurse came over to check up on me, and she did, every Tuesday at three. Like clockwork. She was a good nurse, very professional. Always with a perfect smile on her face. I hated her. I wanted her out as soon as she passed the threshold. But instead, I smiled and I nodded. I was polite and answered all of her questions.

Are you following the doctor’s orders... are you feeling alright... let me measure your pulse... are you having enough of sleep...? Are you sure?

Yes, yes, yes and yes. Thank you, for your concern. Yes, I am doing fine. Yes, I will be sure to do that... yes, I will see you in a week.

I look out the window and hear the trees moan when they move against the wind. I close my eyes and let my mind wander. I’m so tired but I don’t want to take the pills. They screw with my mind. I take a calming breath and let my body get heavier. I let it drift off. I can feel my limbs weighing down the mattress, I sink into its texture and fall asleep.

There is scratching against the wooden floor. Something crawls up on the bed. I can sense it. It’s dangerous and hungry. The claws are sharp. They reach the bed and sink into my thighs, ripping the skin and sinking into the delicate muscles. The claws slice against the skin until they reach my throat. I scream at the top of my lungs, just before...

I scream again and wake up, the sheets soaked, my body wet. My heart is hammering as I lift the covers and search for the blood, I look at my thighs... there is nothing there. The skin is smooth and perfect. Not even a scratch. I touch my throat. It’s intact. It was just a nightmare. Just a...

I hear a tapping on the glass and almost jump out of the bed. I look at the big window but see nothing. I stare at the moving shadows and notice the branches. I try to breathe normally. Just relax. It’s nothing. All of your nightmares are in your head. The real one has already ended... and then they give you your pills. They made sure you were doing alright. It didn’t work the way they planned but I was doing better now. Even with the voices in my head... but that happened less and less. They said it was the shock, the trauma of it all.

It is very common for the patients suffering from the post-traumatic stress syndrome. You have encountered a huge loss and it will take you time, to get back to the normal life.

Normal? What the fu** is normal? Do you know what I had to go through, do you even have the slightest idea...?!

I shouted and swore a lot before they “fixed” me. Before I got all the medicine to ‘calm down’ and then the ones that would wake me up when my state got too depressed... then they gave me different ones, and made sure I stayed in the ‘steady level’.

I lay back on the bed and try to relax, taking deep calming breaths. Making myself close my eyes again. Trying desperately to fall asleep again. I needed the rest to get better. I couldn’t stay awake all night and fall asleep during the day. My head falling down when I was doing things. I dozed off on the sofa, in the armchair, at the kitchen table... in the bathtub. This could end badly if I didn’t fix my problem.

I turn my head and look at the pill bottle. Maybe just one, what harm would that do? I was supposed to take them anyway. I lift myself to a sitting position and moan, my head throbbing. I get out of the bed and go to the kitchen. I don’t turn the lights on, the light too bright for me. I get a glass out of the cupboard and turn the tap on. The sound of the water soothing. I drink some of it, my throat parched.

I look absentmindedly at the glass surface and notice something, a shadow moving. My heart starts to hammer in my chest. What was that? Did I really see anything?

I lean to have a better look and I hear a branch crack. The noise is deafening in the otherwise silent room.

You live next to a forest, it’s the middle of the night. Nothing unusual, probably just some animal. I turn around quickly and go to the hall. I check the alarm, it’s not working. I try to turn on the lights to see better. They aren’t working either. My breathing quickens. Just relax, it’s probably the fuzes again. This happens at least once a month, with all of the storms and hurricanes happening. Breathe Abigail, breathe.

I go back to my room and sit on the bed. I open the pill bottle and slip one out. My eyebrows furrow. No, that won’t do. I slip another one out and swallow it quickly. I lay on the covers and stare at the ceiling. My breath rushes as the anxieties grow stronger. A heavy groan slips out of my mouth. The pills were supposed to make me feel better, not worse. I look a the bottle and reach for it again. I miss and it falls to the floor. The pills going in all directions. I swear and get up to pick them from the ground. As I bend down I hear a strange noise. As if something was breaking or being pulled out. I look up and see the shadow again. It’s closer this time. More real. And as it gets closer I can make out a man’s silhouette.

I can feel my throat get tighter when I stumble back from my crouch. I fall down, my back against the side of the bed. My long, silk nightgown tickling my legs. I pull my long hair back and stare at the glass door and freeze. He’s coming for me. My vision gets blurry as tears fill my eyes. Not again. I can’t do this again. They said he was gone. That it was all over.

You’re safe now, Abigail. You don’t have to be scared anymore.

But I still see him. I see his face. I see him in my nightmares.

That’s completely natural. Your subconscious is trying to deal with a lot of stress and trauma. It shows you the images that you fear the most. Your mind is at a very fragile state right now.

I can’t sleep. I can’t think straight.

This will pass, the sessions should help and the medication.

I don’t like the pills. They make everything fuzzy. I don’t like to feel that way.

You have to do as I tell you.

Yes, doctor Scott.

I move slowly against the bed, the floor feels cold and sharp against my bare knees. I move to the hall, pass it and head for the kitchen. I crouch against a counter and reach my hand towards the wooden stand. I slip up a butchers knife and put it against my chest. Feeling the smooth metal on my skin. My breasts moving fast. I feel a little comfort from having a weapon but a chill down my spine still lingers. I stand up slowly and stare out the window. There is no one there. I rub my eyes with my left hand and suddenly feel very tired. All of my adrenaline burned out in just one rush.

I keep my eyes shut and feel my heart speeding up again. I took the pills. They were painkillers, they helped with my brain and my unstable emotions... but most of all they helped me sleep. I already felt more tired, my vision getting blurry. I made myself focus. I wasn’t going to let him win. I head to the hall, slide opposite the wall and wait... and watch. My heart races, but the house is silent again.

I slowly move forward until I reach my room. My eyelids are getting heavier. I shake my head. No. Not now. I crouch against the bed. Something crashes against the window and I jump, almost dropping the knife. I look up. Something is smeared on the glass. It slides down and drops with a light thud on the ground, outside. I stand up and with my heart in my throat, I reach it. I lift my hand. The knife reflecting the light from the moon. He wasn’t going to get me this time.

Often the wrong use of the drugs can have additional side effects. If the dosage is wrong or if the time lapse is too big or small it can cause hallucinations.

How can I tell if it’s a hallucination?

You can’t. You have to follow my orders. Always. Do you understand?

Yes, of course.

Good, we may proceed. Lay on the lounge...

I shut my eyes tighter. What if...? I look at the glass and the long smear of blood. I stare at the dead body of the bird. Well, at least it wasn’t the cat. I think of the red alley cat and shiver. I would have missed the little guy. I liked feeding him and scratching his fur. I look past the glass and stare at the woods. The wind stopped howling. It’s so quiet now.

I step closer to the window, I touch the cold surface. I trace the bloody smudge and then I see it. The man from my nightmares. He’s holding a gun. I watch him mesmerized, not being able to even move. I see what he does and it all happens in slow motion, as I don’t even allow myself to blink. I look at him. He lifts his right hand and points it directly at me. I can’t move. I want to, but my legs won’t move.

He stands far away, but I see him in detail as if he’s standing right in front of me. I watch as his finger pushes the trigger. I see the gunpowder as the bullet slips out and heads directly at me. It rushes, and it’s just a blink of an eye, yet for me, time stretches endlessly. The bullet is getting closer. An invisible power lifts my hand and I push it against the glass. And then I blink. My mind firing up, my body jumps and I step back, tumble and fly through the air, my hands desperately moving as if wanting to touch something at the last moment. I hit the floor just as the bullet reaches the glass, sending it into shreds. Tiny pieces exploding and hitting my skin. I smell the gunpowder and inhale the tine shards of the glass. I choke. And I feel the blood in my mouth. It’s everywhere. All of the pointy needle digging into my body.

The bullet, where is the...? I can’t feel it. Did it hit me?

I hear footsteps on the broken glass, heavy boots crushing them even more... I look at his face. I know this man. He’s the one I kept running away all my life. Its dark in the room but I still see his cruel smile. He comes closer and reaches his hand to me. I gasp. Then I scream.

Remember Abigail, the hallucinations can take on many forms, it’s necessary to realize what’s real and what is not.

You said that it’s impossible to tell.

No, I didn’t. I only said that you can’t. But what I mean is that you are too weak to notice the hallucinations, but in time you should be able to notice the signs.

Like what?

When you will feel dizzy, or tired. When your vision will get worse. All those times when you will feel that you are a part of a nightmare. You are a strong woman Abigail that had to go through a lot but still managed not to sink under the water, despite the weight that kept pulling you in.

I don’t know if I can do this...

A bright light sips through my eyelids and I cover them with my hand. I open them slowly. I stare at the beeping machine, and an IV tube sticking out of my arm. I turn my head and look at my hands, they are all covered in bandages. And my back hurts like hell. I stare at the bright room and look at pale blue walls. I notice a glass of water on the little table to my right. I lift my hand and try to reach it but instead, I hiss with pain. I feel my lungs hurt as there is pressure under my ribs.

Wait, I will get that for you.

I turn my head and see a nurse coming my way. She is about middle height and looks around forty. She smiles at me and little wrinkles form at the corners of her green eyes. I smile faintly back, something warm and kind about that woman. Definitely not like my home nurse. I furrow my eyebrows. Why was I hear? My mind sips through my memories and I try to grab on to some details... the bullet... the man. My pulse races as I look at the woman.

Oh, honey, you must be so confused. I will explain everything in a moment. But I will let you drink some water first.

She helps me drink the water and fixes my pillows. She pulls my hair back so it’s not in my face and looks at me expectantly. As if I was the one to start this conversation.

How did I get here? What happened exactly? I can’t remember the details...

Well, that is completely normal. After what happened to you.

What did happen...?

You had an intruder at your house. Apparently, you saw him, took a knife and wanted to defend yourself. He broke the glass and the alarm turned on. That must have scared him off because a police officer that was driving by your house, caught him when he was trying to leave the property.

I stare at her in silence and try to piece two and two together.

And this?

I point to the bandages.

Yes, that. You were in your bedroom when he broke the glass. It was dark so he didn’t see you. Presumably, you got scared when you heard the smashed window, you tripped over the shreds of the glass and fell in a very unfortunate way... you fell on the knife, hun. And it broke right through the ribs and punctured the left lung. Very unfortunate indeed.

I stare at her and let her words break through my clouded mind. It was hard to comprehend the words that I heard.

I had a hallucination...

Yes. You shouldn’t have lied to your nurse and doctor Scott about it.

She sends me a disapproving stare but then smiles warmly. Making the room seem even brighter. I try to relax.

So they caught him?

Yes, they did. You don’t have to worry anymore. Just in the future, try to remember, to follow the doctor’s orders...

I will, I promise.

...after all sweetheart, knives are so sharp.

The End