Valentine’s Day

It happened again today. It just randomly hit me like it always does, which usually feels like a punch in the gut. I wasn’t looking at pictures, there was nothing around to remind me of you, and yet everything does. I had just drove through Taco Bell, one of my many bad habits, sitting in my car before work eating before the restaurant would get busy. Noticing I had two voicemails I hadn’t listened to, I quickly opened them, erased them and your name got my attention. My three oldest voicemails are all from you. I worked backwards.

July 14th 2014: “Hello, it looks like I missed you before you left. Everything is all screwed up... it’s all just... everything is messed up. I’ll see you when you get back! Okay, love you, bye-bye.”

Hearing your voice again, it made me choke. I could feel my heart aching as I pressed play on the next one.

June 3rd 2014: “Hi Doozen, it’s me. I forgot where you were going, and I felt like there was something I needed. I can’t remember, but I will try to call you again if I do! Okay, love you, bye-bye.”

My eyes were blinded with tears as my emotions started to get the best of me. I knew every word to every one of these voicemails. I’d listened hundreds of times, I needed to hear you say those words over and over again, I would never delete them. Maybe I should, looking back. I have other memories of you. Better ones, from when you were strong, and you weren’t confused. You died on December 22nd, 2014. The memories came flooding back, more tears. The ache grew stronger in my chest as I longed to hug you.

Then my heart stopped. The last voicemail, my absolute favorite, from before you were sick.

February 14th, 2013: Nothing.

I hit the small triangle, and nothing played. I started to panic; how could it not play? I pressed it again. Nothing. It kept resetting as if nothing was there to be played. I was baffled. The voicemail with your name on it was right there! The length said 0:00. I was so confused, I didn’t delete it, I never would. Your voice saying “Hi Doozen! Happy Valentines Day!! I have a flower here for you, when you get off work you can swing by and pick it up. Okay, love you, bye-bye” never made its thousandth debaut. I knew those words by heart, but I needed to hear you say them again.

I knew it by heart. It was my favorite, but how could it be gone? I clenched my ribs sobbing in hysteria. I had lost another part of you, that meant so much to me. It was lost, forever. The only thing that could make it better would be you, and you’re not here either.

I’ll always love you. I’ll never forget about you. Nobody will ever replace you. But today, today I really missed you. I’ll always be your little girl.