Arousal sparks as the rain hits the window,

You pull me in closer, running your hand up my thigh.

your kisses begin with my lips, and venture to my neck, and farther south.

Anticipation building as the lightening flashes and illuminates our world,

My hand on your chest,

with your back against the wall,

You look so beautiful as you lift me on to you,

My legs wrap around you as I feel you glide in tightly,

The gasp of passion escapes my breath,

We sit, but only for a moment, as we fully absorb each other,

Moving my hips against yours,

my lips are on your neck hungry with desire,

Our cries of love ring into the night as we compete against the thunder.

If I'd known what would happen when you drove me home, I could get into black cars without flashbacks. If I’d known what would happen when you pulled over, I wouldn’t have been 2.5 hours late for curfew from walking 3 miles home. If I’d known what you were going to do when you unbuckled our seatbelts, I wouldn't always feel hunted by the male gaze. If I'd known you didn't want to kiss me "just one more time" I wouldn’t have had fake falling down the stairs to be taken to the hospital for broken ribs. If I'd known saying "No." would result in a black eye and concussion, I would've ran away. If I’d known what was going through your head wasn't teenage love, I wouldn’t be haunted by you today. If I’d known who you really are sooner, I wouldn’t have lived the absolute worst nightmare.

She intoxicated him with her cognac eyes,

The richness of the espresso they obtained awoke something deep within him,

He basked in the warmth of her presence,

Becoming frustrated and dispirited when she was gone,

For she was the sun and illuminated his path with a light only he could see,

He hid from her impending gravity,

Though they already danced in orbit,

Longing to look directly into her eyes,

He kept his head down,

For the beautiful pain from those rays of sunshine could only lead to perfection,

Or annihilation.

It happened again today. It just randomly hit me like it always does, which usually feels like a punch in the gut. I wasn’t looking at pictures, there was nothing around to remind me of you, and yet everything does. I had just drove through Taco Bell, one of my many bad habits, sitting in my car before work eating before the restaurant would get busy. Noticing I had two voicemails I hadn’t listened to, I quickly opened them, erased them and your name got my attention. My three oldest voicemails are all from you. I worked backwards.

July 14th 2014: “Hello, it looks like I missed you before you left. Everything is all screwed up... it’s all just... everything is messed up. I’ll see you when you get back! Okay, love you, bye-bye.”

Hearing your voice again, it made me choke. I could feel my heart aching as I pressed play on the next one.

June 3rd 2014: “Hi Doozen, it’s me. I forgot where you were going, and I felt like there was something I needed. I can’t remember, but I will try to call you again if I do! Okay, love you, bye-bye.”

My eyes were blinded with tears as my emotions started to get the best of me. I knew every word to every one of these voicemails. I’d listened hundreds of times, I needed to hear you say those words over and over again, I would never delete them. Maybe I should, looking back. I have other memories of you. Better ones, from when you were strong, and you weren’t confused. You died on December 22nd, 2014. The memories came flooding back, more tears. The ache grew stronger in my chest as I longed to hug you.

Then my heart stopped. The last voicemail, my absolute favorite, from before you were sick.

February 14th, 2013: Nothing.

I hit the small triangle, and nothing played. I started to panic; how could it not play? I pressed it again. Nothing. It kept resetting as if nothing was there to be played. I was baffled. The voicemail with your name on it was right there! The length said 0:00. I was so confused, I didn’t delete it, I never would. Your voice saying “Hi Doozen! Happy Valentines Day!! I have a flower here for you, when you get off work you can swing by and pick it up. Okay, love you, bye-bye” never made its thousandth debaut. I knew those words by heart, but I needed to hear you say them again.

I knew it by heart. It was my favorite, but how could it be gone? I clenched my ribs sobbing in hysteria. I had lost another part of you, that meant so much to me. It was lost, forever. The only thing that could make it better would be you, and you’re not here either.

I’ll always love you. I’ll never forget about you. Nobody will ever replace you. But today, today I really missed you. I’ll always be your little girl.